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Not Good

Nov 05, 2010 - 0 comments

I've had a yicky stomach feeling for a week now.

Starting Saturday night and hitting a peak on Tuesday night, I had a kidney stone, which is the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I've had stones before, and everytime I'm doubled over in pain....vomiting, crying, can't get comfortable. Every other time I've taken a pain pill and was able to sleep through most of it. This time though was the first stone I've had since acquiring anxiety, and it was horrible.

When the pain pill seemed to be working, I got scared that I was dying. The pain didn't go away, but I started to feel a little numb in my chest, and that scared me. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had a panic attack, my first one in a really long time. My teeth were chattering and I was shaking uncontrollably, begging my mom to take me to the hospital. I knew I was dying. Not only was I panicking, but I was in so much pain and I couldn't stop throwing up. I forgot everything I've learned about handling a panic attack because there were just too many other things happening at once. It was 3 a.m. and I hadn't slept at all, and on top of that I was keeping my parents up because I couldn't stop crying...thinking I was about to die.

Since then I've felt completely nauseas and I can't eat without getting sick. The feeling has me on the verge of panic because I don't know what's going on. The kidney pain is gone, I think the stone passed, but the sickness stays. I just feel weird and off and tired and blah.

I'm also on my period a whole week early, which isn't helping matters.

I just wish I knew what was going on with my body and my mind.


Nov 02, 2010 - 0 comments

I'm feeling a bit better as far as anxiety is concerned, but health wise I'm a wreck. I have a horrible cold and stomach issues that just won't go away. I can't eat and I'm almost always feeling pain in my stomach or back. I thought it was maybe a kidney stone, but I've never had a stone last this long or feel quite this way before. I can't sleep and I think this is all making my anxiety act up just a bit. The trembling in my stomach and legs has returned, which I hate. Plus today is my Monday, which I also hate.

When it rains it pours, right?

All of these issues are making me extra nervous for my vacation. What if this happens out on the cruise? How on earth am I going to stay sane without my mom, dog, or dry land? I'm going to be out on a boat in the ocean, how am I going to keep from feeling trapped? What if I have a panic attack? What if I get seasick? What if I completely freak out and lose control?

I hate anxiety. I hate that it robs us of ourselves. Happiness. Freedom. I hate that I'm not the same person I was before all this anxiety and panic nonsense. I hate that there seems to be so many setbacks and no clear finish line. I hate that I'm not 100% better, and I hate that I don't know if I'll ever be.

I hate a lot of things right now.

Anxiety Acting Up

Oct 21, 2010 - 1 comments

I don't know why my anxiety is acting up again lately. I thought maybe it's because I just moved back home, but I've been in my parents house now for 2 weeks, and I would've thought that the first week would have been when the anxiety would show up, if it all. Not now.

I woke up last night around 2:30 am feeling out of breath, tingly, and scared. That's the first time that has happened in quite a while and it really threw me off.

I'm feeling really out of sorts and tired today. I just feel off, and I don't like it. I thought about calling into work simply because I'm so tired and I just want to sit at home and calm myself down, but I pushed through and came to work. Hopefully I'll make it through the entire day.

I hate feeling like I'm going backwards. I hate having what I guess is some kind of anxiety relapse. I was doing so well, and now I feel like I'm almost back to square one. I know I'm not, and I'm handling this much better now then I have before when the same-ish thing has happened, so that's something to be proud of. I just wish this didn't happen at all.

At Work

Oct 19, 2010 - 0 comments

I'm sitting at work feeling okay except I've noticed the buzzing in my stomach and legs has returned. It's kind of been there all day, but all of a sudden I really noticed it and immediately my thought process became "Oh my gosh, what is that? Why is it doing that? It's never been this bad before, something horrible must be going on." And then I felt the rush that usually proceeds a panic attack. I stood up and excused myself to the restroom, and while walking my legs felt incredibly weak and tingly, and i just knew I was about to pass out. I sat in the bathroom breathing, and now I'm back at my desk, still feeling shaky, but the rush isn't so severe. I'll be damned if I'm going to suddenly have another attack after doing so well. I hate this so much.

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