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Out of boredom, I made a list of all the meds I've taken

Nov 23, 2010 - 1 comments

After counting them all, I almost fainted. Well, not really.

Panic Attack control -
Diazepam - Most effective of the four listed

Sleeping Pills -
Lunesta - Worked well but diminished quickly
Ambien - Sleep walking
Trazadone - Akathisia, also affected anxiety
Benadryl - Very effective (when I actually take them)

Pain Killers (Analgesic, "self medicating") -

Anti-depressants -
Lexapro - Currently taking
Wellbutrin XL - Currently taking
Paxil - Complete nightmare
Zoloft - Worked well, but suddenly stopped...?

Augmenter Drugs -
Buspar - Just.....useless
Seroquel - Slept all day, and had a hangover until I went back to sleep
Zyprexa - Slept all day, no change in depression
Abilify - Akathisia

Stimulants -
Provigil - Anxiety increase
Ritalin - Just started taking it, this won't last long
Vyvance - Worked very well when I tried it, limited if any anxiety increase, and gave a good boost of energy

Off-Label Stuff -
Deplin - Levomefolic Acid supplement
Clonidine - Used along with Vicodin withdrawal, and for a while after. No change.
Gabapentin - Same as Clonidine
Vistaril - For anxiety, didn't work
Tramadol - Did nothing

33. Yea.....

A new low in depression is possible for me

Oct 24, 2010 - 3 comments

Monday night, I'm tossing one of the family cats, Whitman, onto the bed. He loves it, we know this because he always runs back to whoever tossed him purring as loud as he possibly can and looks at them expectently. Whitman is 11 years old, a Mainecoon. His "color scheme" is basically a tuxedo, with white feet, which we call his snow shoes. He's a big guy at ~16 pounds, but not fat by any means, he also had somewhat long fur, not annoyingly long. I'd say he was a little bit poofy. One of our favorite traits about him is his high pitched voice. It's cute to see this big cat walk around meowing in the octive of a dog whistle (ok, not really that high). We often joke about how he reminds us of an owl. Unless he's asleep, his eyes are as big as quarters, and he liked to turn his head upsidedown when he was laying on his back.

Tuesday I wake up and find my brother in his usual place in the family room. He turns to me and says "something's wrong with Whitman. Mom and Dad took him to the vet this morning." I think my brother sensed my fear, as he almost immediately said "they did an X-ray and Ultrasound and the doctor said he has a couple of kidney stones floating around, and one was blocking his bladder. So they unblocked it and he's doing good." I'm relieved, but still afraid.

Wednesday my Dad and I go to the vet to visit him. They wanted to keep him overnight to make sure he was ok. While we're in one of the exam rooms visiting him, one of the doctors comes in and starts telling us more. Apparently the Radiologist double checked the X-rays and Ultrasound, and found around a dozen kidney stones floating around in his body. They offered a possible solution of a new diet that breaks down the stones so he can easily pass them.
Later that day, Mom gets off work, and it's her turn to visit. This time, she talked with the doctor in charge of the vet. One of Whitmans kidneys was completely shutdown, and the second was not far off. The food the other doctor suggested to us was no longer even a hope, as the doctor said, the stones would just keep coming back, and of course there was the problem with him having basically half a kidney.

......... I'm sure most pet owners know what comes with something like this. Early Thursday evening, we all showed up at the vet to spend our last moments with one of the best cats that ever lived. My Mom held him as they gave him the shot, and I sat infront of him so he could see me, so then he'd at least see someone he loved as he went to sleep.
But now I'm stuck with something that could take a long time to get out of my mind. When he was given the injection to stop his heart, he was looking at me, and I looked at him. I looked into his eyes............. I saw his eyes droop half closed, the color of his pupils going from bright green to almost black. This image is burned into my memory, and it's been haunting me every day and night since. I'd never seen a death before, and I'm sure it would've been easier....... had I not looked into his eyes and seen them go from big and green to dark and lifeless.

........... ****

More depression. Yay.......

Sep 25, 2010 - 0 comments

I'm getting tired of waking up every day to feeling unrested, in pain all over, lethargic, lonely, etc. I feel like there's no hope for me to get my life back. I've tried so many medications, none of which have worked, and my doctor has even expressed that he's frustrated that he hasn't been able to find something that helps me. I noticed that when I started to isolate myself, my friends stopped talking to me, and I feel like they never tried to reach out to me to begin with.

I want to make new friends, but with the way I feel every day, plus my social anxiety, I feel like it's impossible to do. This has been a problem for me since I was 16, so it's getting to a point where I can't take it anymore. I think the worst part of this is that I feel alone when I'm around my family. I can't figure out why I feel this way around them. So basically, I feel alone in my own house, around the people who actually do care. Can this get any more ****** up?