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May 05, 2010 - 1 comments









please. :(

I read about more people my age; boys I guess I should be like; things I guess I should be doing.

The need to conform is really tearing at my insides right now. Unfortunately I am far too much of an oddity to fit in.

My logical mind tells me I don't want to, but my emotional mind rebels.

I want to kill myself, or get life good.

Please somebody help my life to be good. :'(

Want to be dead.

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May 01, 2010 - 0 comments









Evolutionary Psychology







Today was a weird one.

I went to the hairdressers by myself for the first time. I had to do some serious "self-therapy" just to get myself in and reduce my phobia. It wasn't easy.

I walked through town by myself, seeing everybody I knew from yesteryears- people I went to school with, people who hardly knew me. Most of them just ignored me, though I did get a few gasps at how bad my vitiligo had got, and acne. It wasn't very nice. I then walked up the steps of market square to the hairdressers, took a little breather on the balcony whilst looking over memories. Then just walked straight in. It's strange how one can be so nervous before they are faced with their fear (but they know it's coming) but when directly in the  situation, all anxiety goes away- but self-detachment entails.

It was incredibly busy in the hairdressers, which was not a good thing for me. I stood waiting in the queue and noticed a little baby trapped in his pram reaching out for his dummy helplessly. I got down on my knees and picked it up for him. I extended my hand offering it to him, but he just looked at me cautiously and disapprovingly. It's no surprise when I have vitiligo and acne. Evolution is a heartless *****.

Finally my hairdresser got round to me only to tell me that I should come back in half and hours time because there has been a mix up with appointment times. I obliged and made my way to a marvelous little nut store tucked away in the corner of market square. I brought myself some ground almonds and aloe vera gel, unfortunately I found out that ground almonds are virtually void of nutrition. It was my plan to use them almost as "protein and fat powder" to gain weight.

I headed off to the library, past everybody from school. I tried to make eye contact and smile, but they just frowned back. Fair enough.
In the Library I was searching for catcher in the rye, I thought it was about time I started to read, but the librarian couldn't find it. He was a wonderful man though, and extremely helpful- he went everywhere looking for the book for me, and even let me up onto the balcony where they store all the classics. He went searching for more books and returned to me two books he thought I may enjoy, I took them out. What a beautiful man.

Back to the hairdressers, just my luck, the model was in there. She is very plain but with the most amazing skin, and obviously photo-genic. After a very uncomfortable hair-cutting session where my hairdresser cut away all my hair (and my soul), I told the model how I loved one of her recent photo-shoots in a local magazine. She appreciated that.

I started walking home, past all the beautiful people, who I was both envious of and in love with at the same time. I walked along the beach, and stopped at an abandoned bunker over-looking the other islands and town. It was quite peaceful and I started to write almost a poem about how I being completely detached from society for so long, and not having any friends, ever, has made me a very strange person in the eyes of others, who don't understand me, and I don't understand them. ONe day when I am back in society, and am the most beautiful and popular boy in town, I will look back on these days and be thankful for them- they would of gave me a beautifully unique view of the world. There is a treasure trove of knowledge and wisdom to be gained from looking back on these years.  

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Apr 25, 2010 - 0 comments

I must say, I have been taking my supplements- large doses of l-phenylanine, and omega oils. However it was only today that I acknowledged their benefits on my mood, and not just my health.

Omega oils are necessary to maintain my good skin, l-phenylanine was for repigmentation. But is now obsolete for that purpose. Though for my mood, it is excellent.

Therefore I shall continue taking it, eventually weaning myself off when I am in a secure place in life.

In the meantime, it's my little magic pill ;D

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Apr 19, 2010 - 0 comments

Today I went to see the psychotherapist, he was not there so I met a new woman called Ross. She is simply wonderful- a writer, trained musician and psychotherapist. Equally beautiful, with striking eyes.

Then I headed to hospital and disappointed the nurses by saying I'd like to cancel my treatment. They seemed very annoyed. A shame, but I will still send them flowers... sometime.

I got back and planned to stop procrastinating and just get to it. Unfortunately not, I just ate and then the math teacher came.

I was very tired throughout the day; by the time the teacher came, I was paralytic. But I managed to trudge my way through that hour. Then time flied, it was about eight when I went out by the car, I swore  at a little chav who had punched Jamie earlier in the day, calling him "emo". Then had to endure five minutes sitting in a car park with him on his bike staring at me with a grown up chav. (This is where the excited anxiety came in, a wonderful and funny feeling) So I played Lady Gaga up extremely loud and annoyed them more. Of course it was childish and stupid- I will overcome it- but in the meantime, it was hilarious.

Time to stop my procrastination? Nope. I watched shameless for two hours, and then Graham Norton. It was only once Jamie and Rosa-Maria had gone to bed that I decided to go on msn (Cameron was on- Euphoria, and praying to God to make him talk to me. Then error noises, and getting very frustrated because he might be talking to me, but the laptop is stopping him, and I don't want to ignore him. I love him.) Ryan was also on, I said hi, but it took him ages to reply. In the meantime, I got to it. I wrote far too much and was not satisfied, and so left notes that I would structure into a shorter essay.

I went to bed at three, took a while to get to sleep.    

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