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nothing to worry about...

Oct 19, 2011 - 0 comments

okay so i know i havent wrote in my journal for a very long time not even the one i have secretly stored in room but today i just felt the need to write these words down...

im a mess but then my lifes never been this good and yet i cant seem to enjoy it or im missing stuff i used to love because now i cant do them, i have a job now and i drive now witch is awesome but i miss my friends being available to see them not the whole im sorry im working and theyre the same we're all to busy to be friends with each other i guess im just scared we're all gunna forget each other and move on with new people. another thing i feel im missing out on is love i havent had a boyfriend or even a crush in months ive never been really excited about the guys i know i dont want to be alone anymore i wanna feel love a big romance or even a small romance. on my days off im stuck in my room watching tv when i should be out there meeting new people hanging out with my friends and finding new things to do with my time instead i just wanna hide behind the reality of tv the love lives of fictional characters...

is working this hard to achieve what ive achieved so far worth loosing parts of myself and being able to say no to doing stuff because im simply too tired? i cant be this lonely this scared and sad when my life at the moment is good ive got what ive wanted what ive wished for a job and a car ultimate freedom! financial support and free will to go wherever i want but without  my friends theres no where to go no one to see nothing to do and no one to really worry about.  im even going to gym more and using the sunbeds to feel and look better im doing well i was doing better than i have in a long time but im missing a huge chunk of my life im doing it all alone i have no one to share my day with but my parents. i cant even spend my money because im saving for spending money for my holiday in november im gunna try a put a halloween thing together but how much do u wanna bet that more than half my friends cant go!

i dunno anymore

Aug 27, 2011 - 0 comments

ive been in a deep depression for a couple weeks now ive sad lonely and angry im wasting my life and to that note i realised i am wasting my life i need treatment and support im just not coping anymore. my life isnt over yet its just beginning and if people forget about because of what i am then screw them im perfect im me.

Mood Tracker

im losing the battle....i think

Aug 14, 2011 - 0 comments

well where do i start i still haven't sort out help and advise from professionals like counselling or medication. i dont write in my journal anymore and i havent updated my tracker in over a week! i get into dark depressive moods and they last longer than ever. im lonelier than ever but i dont want anybody to help me i dont want to drag them into my hell. my best friend betrayed my trust by telling someone we knew about bipolar. i just feel like sometimes i cant breath and just want to escape or scream or even cry! i get the occassional hour where im actually happy and optimistic about my future the i can do anything mood thats what im calling it anyway. they make it worse because for short time i believe in myself then something will happen it could be anything a bad memory, a petty arguement a knock back down to reality and then within a moment im lower and darker than the time before i writing this now because i need to get it out i need to be understood.

Mood Tracker

still feeling but getting there

Jul 26, 2011 - 1 comments
Tags:

feeling

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Depression

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Life

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help

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scared

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friends

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Blood



i still feel pretty rotten and again i want to see my own blood but thats because im getting frustrated my friends on holiday have decided to start an argument with me just as im starting feel better more okay something like this knocks me down. the day im dreading most is friday i have my driving test and if i fail ill have to re do the theory its my 7th test so the pressures on to succeed and i really want to pass in the past every fail was a huge knock that sent me in either a huge depression or crazy i would drink till i couldn't walk straight but where im not drinking im just scared that if i fail its going to wreck all the hard work ive put in the past week to snap out of my depression it hasn't been easy at all im actually looking forward to the manic days or even close to manic days so i can feel happiness again. yesterday was a fog i had no feelings no emotion what so ever i didn't care what happened around me i cant really recall a lot of yesterday but that might be because ive been hiding away in my room for the past two weeks wallowing in my own self pity and hatred just feeling entirely alone in life. i know writing an online journal seems silly i write in my journals anyway it makes me feel better to write on a place where you can get help from complete strangers. bipolar definitely isn't a fun trip and isn't as laid back as most people think its a real challenge a chance to discover how far you will go and how weak or strong you are if anything it makes you stronger you start to react to what life throws at you but responsibly with the right anyone can reach balance. thats the challenge balancing it all out u have to ride the bad and the good but you just have to learn from your mistakes faster and rely on the people around more. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger for someone like me what kills me is ME...so only i can make myself stronger right?! im rambling a lot because these thoughts are so fast they're come and go but then come back. well if todays my last day i say f**k it! mistakes are mistakes they can never be changed only made better regret can always be corrected and this life is gift id be a fool to waste it! am i right?!