Aug 30, 2010
WTF? I have enough on my hands dealing with my depression and all of the thoughts that plague me that are not real.... why do I have to deal with such a harsh reality? Thoughts that ARE real. How do I know they are real? (It is kind of ****** up that I have to even figure out if something I am thinking is real). I know they are real when outside sources verify them. For instance, I am in serious financial trouble. Things are going to get pretty ugly. Are those distorted thoughts? Catastrophizing? All or nothing? Black and white? No. My therapist, my family (what there is of it), they all say, "yep... it is gonna be hard going for you." I don't like that on top of my desperately hard inner life, that my outter life will also be desperately hard. The really screwed up part is that it is because of my inner struggles that I have to struggle through the world at all. The depression ate my lover, ate my job, ate my career, ate my art, ate my friends. It is endlessly hungry for any scrap of life I hang onto. And if it feeds, that is my fault. What you feed grows. So I can give myself a break on everything that fell apart before I was diagnosed. After that, whether I like it or not, all the wreakage is at least in part my fault. Either I was too lazy to fight, or wasn't strong enough, or didn't pay attention... but I have a nasty disease that wants to kill me and if I do not keep ever vigilent I lose. Well I have about 9 months. After that the floor collapses. Oh well. For now my blade is drawn and I have some demons to slay.