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It's over...we're done.

Nov 19, 2010 - 10 comments

Well, It's over.. I knew there would come a point when we would decide not to try anymore. I didn't think it would happen after taking my 2nd round of clomid but it has come to that. I'm still confused and not sure how we ended up right here, right now, but maybe it's this nasty cold/flu I'm still trying to fight off on top of the out of whack hormones or something. I go through spurts of depression and feeling sorry for myself and I get irritable at the tiniest of things, well, they don't seem tiny at the time, but in hind sight, they are. I know that I react (more like over react) the wrong way sometimes and it gets in the way of things. I know it's my fault, I get too emotional sometimes, but I can't help feeling the way I feel.
So, we've come to the decision that we should go down a different path. I've been at that fork in the road for a while now, and it leads to nowhere, so we're going to try and see whats down that other path. The path that leads us into our golden years with a little more freedom, a little less frustration. I know this is probably hard for a lot of people to understand but there are days when raising a teenager is so frustrating and difficult, it makes me question why I am even trying to have another child. If DH wanted to, I would keep trying, but even he is still on the fence about it all, not being sure if he wants to give up the future freedoms we will soon have. It only makes the decision easier when we feel like no matter how much we try every month, it still isn't happening anyways, so maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Things happen for a reason (and don't happen for a reason), so it makes us think this is not the road we should be going down.
I will miss keeping in touch with all the MH ladies here and I hope and pray each of you get your BFP's real soon. I'll probably check in from time to time just to see how everyone is doing but I'm going to try to stay off for while, just so I can transition a little easier from "trying" to "not trying".  

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Still Lost and Confused...

Oct 30, 2010 - 4 comments

Yesterday my internet crashed, so I couldn't get online all day! ~ Well, I called yesterday to get the results of my beta, the Dr. wasn't in but the receptionist said the result was negative, and when I asked her what am I supposed to do now, just keep waiting for my period?? She said when the Dr. gets in he will call me... I had errands to run, so I went out for a few hours and came home and NO phone call...What a Jack A$$!
  I'm still lightly spotting, hardly anything really, it finally turned from brown to pinkish/light red yesterday, and I started having some cramps so I thought for sure I'd get some kind of FLOW and finally have fracking closure to this cycle and move on, but NOOO, still waiting. I'm starting to think maybe I did not ovulated and I'm having some kind of weird annovulatory cycle, my temps are weird so I don't even know what to think anymore. I will call the Dr. again Monday, will probably have to make an apt. to go in and see what the heck is going, at which time I will express my dissatisfaction at the fact that he didn't extend the courtesy of calling me to let me know what I should/need to do next. I'm at my wits end and I've even told DH I'm not so sure I can even keep trying anymore. I'm so lost and confused, and I'm irritated that I can't even get a period now so I can just move on. I'm at the point where I just wanna give up and put this whole TTC business behind me and get on with life. I know this is very selfish though, because DH does not want me to give up just yet. He's so loving and supportive and tries to encourage me to keep trying. He tries to reassure me that it will happen, it will just take a little more time, Bless his heart, I wish I had his patience! I'm truly lacking in the patience department. I just keep thinking that if I wrap my head around giving up TTC, and move on with life, and just not even think about it, maybe that's when it will actually happen, I mean I hear all the time how women who throw in the towel suddenly find out they are pregnant without even trying.. Maybe my problem is that I'm just trying too hard. I have obsessive compulsive tendencies anyways... I dunno, I never thought I'd be praying so hard for AF, I'd rather have a full on niagra falls AF for 3-5 days, than to just keep having endless spotting day after day after day.

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New Cycle?

Oct 26, 2010 - 0 comments

So, I'm pretty sure I started a new cycle. The last 5 temps were down. Even though I only had the tiniest bit of spotting, I'm assuming that was technically my period. I'm guessing thats not good, it probably means the clomid thinned my lining and thats why I didn't have a period. What a bummer. Dr. finally called me back yesterday afternoon and said to come in Wednesday morning for a beta just to make absolutely sure it's a BFN. Then he said we can decide on another round of clomid, but at this point I don't think I should do another round. This is all very frustrating and I'm getting a little discouraged. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I think I will just move forward with assuming I started a new cycle, and let my body decide what it wants to do and see if things get back on track.

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Still NO AF...

Oct 25, 2010 - 0 comments

Never thought I would PRAY for AF!! I just want to get on with the next cycle, I'm so annoyed and confused. I know I'm not pregnant, so why is she a no-show? UGH!

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