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pain pain go aay

Jul 08, 2010 - 0 comments
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Pain pain go away
come again some other day
when I'm feeling big and burly
'cuz right now I might Hurl-eee

so thankfull

Jul 07, 2010 - 0 comments
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Chronic Pain

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I am feeling very thankfull right now.  I am not sure why.  I am exhausted and rather angry with the world right now because I have been in super high breakthru pain state since I LEANED OVER TO TURN DOWN THE VOLUME. last night at 10. So not cool of my body to do that to me.  Especially when people are here and I am barely holding on pain wise as it is.
I felt so bad last night.  we had planned for them to come over yesterday for like 2 weeks, and I felt so gross, I only slept 2 hours the night before that. (BTW I hate my Dr. and the insurance company for not approving the medications my Dr. prescribed to me for 2 weeks.  Forcing me to use the samples in the Dr. office and keep their little drug dealing game going for them.  
  It makes me feel like they OWN me.  make no mistake that giant box of bottles is as effective a ball and chain as there ever was.  I feel like the pharma companies are just Giant drug dealers, but they get payed like 400 times more than any drug dealer I have ever known in my life.  Now granted I have not known many, but still...

but I digress from my rant on the evil pushers that wrap their poison in fluffy clouds and call in (better-ify)

but anyway

so, I feel like I freaked my friend out because I was all "painbrainy" and loud and jumpy and general full of adrenaline.
I have no way to explain to people that I can actually see the flash of frustration across their faces when I am like that.
They don't understand I cannot be a friend to them and be on enough meds to make that go away.  I go away when I am on enough meds to do that.  And quite frankly, adding a new 90 dollar script every few months isn't really my thang.  there is a reason I didn't know a lot of drug dealers in my life.
Who wants to take handfulls of ouchy to the tummy and general state of being pills everyday, like 6 times a day? any takers?? no, yeah, didn't think so.

you know what the difference between medicine and poison is?

not much.

But back to being thankful.  I am so glad I discovered this medhealth.  There are actually real people in chronic pain here, not just people trying to troll your posts to get info to drug seek.  This is the first online place I have found where I have found so many people's posts that make me think, "OMG, maybe I am not as crazy from this as I thought I was"
for that I am
SO THANKFUL
So thank you guys!

angry

Jul 07, 2010 - 0 comments
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210094?1278777514
Sorry, I am supposed to be mindful right now, but I lost it, it got away from me.
I am supposed to be anry right now
But I know I shouldn't be
should should should should
should should should should
should should.
is all my brain will tell me.

even the ones who understand cannot, or willnot,

I listen to monks and sages chanting all day.
I seek peace all day
its a slippery ribbon that slides through my fingers EVERY DAY.
And you are going to say to me "why don't you go downstairs and make dinner"?


well, buddy, I love you more than anyone else on this planet, and I have given you willingly much much more of my real self than I am ever really comfortable with.
But even you will say that when I have a sleep attack after not sleeping for 4 days.
and it makes me want to rip my limbs off and beat myself and the stupid wench who ran the redlight senseless.
but I can't.

Because you might feel better later, but I won't.
Because you can help, but not when you need help.

I SHOULD be able to listen to meditations and mantras and yoga and chant and breath and be able to beat this.
But it has again bested me.
So I will go cry in the pit of candles and despair I have built in the room next door.

I will feel bad when I want to rage against this machine.
I will feel guilty for listening to angry chick rock from 1990,
when I SHOULD be able to deal with it.
But I cannot and will not just stuff it down inside of me again.

The geyser of tingling anger and rushing blood is to faithful.
She is my new constant, I am the satellite, and pain is her orbit.
Round and round and round, circling the drain
in an ever lasting, never ending,
eliptical orbit of doom.

Slurp, slurp, as I circle the drain.
You don't have to push me, you can leave it to my brain.

Mood Tracker

Monday morning

Jul 05, 2010 - 0 comments
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Monday

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morning

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Pain

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muscles

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Chronic Pain

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TIRED

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day

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toes



I am hoping to write for about 20 minutes this morning.  I have set the timer for 30 minutes, knowing that I will most likely get distracted for at LEAST 10.

Anyway.  Just finished listening to  a few of the John Kabat Zinn mindfulness meditations for pain releif  I think they could be accurately renamed meditations for depressed and angry Chronic pain patients.  They don't really provide me with "relief" in the sense that most people think of as "relief from pain"  If you sib your toe and you take 2 tylenol, your definition of pain relief is very different from what I am trying to articluate.

HAving very shaky hot day.  Its getting kinf od hard tp tipe so I am going to stop, it has been about 15 minutes, but I am so freaken tired still, I need to move around becauce my muscles are all tight and like only moving to 30% of what they can stretch to after spiral warm ups and my "adapted" poses.