All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

Everything Is Wrong, I've Lost ALL My Self Worth! </3

Dec 29, 2012 - 2 comments

So much has happened in the last few months. I moved half way across the country in with my Dad and Step Mum Sister and Twin Brother mid October. I was expecting to move into a peacful envirment. Instead I am walking on egg shells!

My Step Mum is absolutly crazy when it comes to clean. If something CAN cause a mess it is OFF LIMITS! Not aloud to use the microwave cause it can get dirty, not aloud to shred cheese cause it can cause a mess and the list go's on.

There are $20 fines for everything wrong we do. Got a $20 fine for eating an apple in the living room.

I'm always hiding in my room because I KNOW for a FACT everytime I go down stairs I will hear a 3 hoir conspiracy rant from my dad.

I HATE it here!

And since I have no friends or any support here (well I have one friend I see sometimes once a week but I need more than one person in my life) anyways so since I have no support or acceptance here when I was at my friends fashion show and guy gave me some attention and rubbed my thigh, my heart went crazy! I felt accepted!

Now I might be pregnant. I have had 3 negative tests but I am not sure if it is still too early to tell.
If I am pregnant I don't want to raise a baby here! NOT in this house! And I will NOT abort nor put up for adoption. I don't trust people.

And if I am pregnant I want to go back and live with my Mum. I have more support there. But that depends on if "he" would want to be part of the childs life. He said he isn't ready to date cause he doesn't want to be tied down.

Also if I am and I move back across the country theres like no jobs there. I looked for two and half years out there. And a baby cost money!

However what REALLY hurts is I thought there was more to the relationship than sex. Theres not :( And now I have lost all my self worth because I gave away my Virginity. I can NEVER get that back! ! ! !

In the future when I marry I won't be able to experiance the first time with my forever husband.

Today I slept in to 5:30pm because I didn't want yo go down stairs and risk a conspiracy rant. I WANT a Dad. Not consporacy rant!

And now tonight I have spent all night crying off and on. I am hungry but I can't make anything cause the microwave is off limits and I don't want go down stairs a. Because I have been crying and b. Because I don't want to listen to my Dad.

I don't know I am just SO Alone and I need someone. But I don't know were to turn.  :/  </3

And worst of all I fell SO far from God! :/

Talked/Opened up to my Mum! :D :D :D

Aug 26, 2011 - 1 comments

Just talked to mum about about my weight. :D It took a while for me to actually press send but I did it and then she came up to talk. Even in MY room! :D 

It wasn't easy to get started but once I did I found I was able to be open up, and Mum said she will call the doctor on Monday! :) :D

I'm actually really excited to get some help! I know I NEED it! And in a way that won't let me sink! I always think lately those treatment places would be awesome cause I could get the help I NEED, but they are too expensive and I'm not underweight. Not "serious" enough. 

You know I HATE how no one will jump into help someone with an eating disorder unless it's deadly! They think if it's not deadly it's not serious! Well excuse me what do you think the step before deadly is?  

I really hope their can be help offered to me! I really wish I could get the type of help they give at the treatment places but I know I can't, but I just hope there's something that CAN HELP ME! 

Sincerely Finally want help! :) :D 

Recovery of ED . . . not possible :(

Aug 25, 2011 - 1 comments

You know I watch these videos were they say recovery is possible, but is it really? NO! 

I hate myself for letting myself get into this! Now that I'm into the ED there no ever getting out! D: I want to be free and happy from this, I'm so tired of crying and being a lone. I'm tired of no one knowing how I feel, of everyone just saying "well then just forget about it"

They have no idea how much that hurts. If I could just forget about this thing that has ruined my life, believe me I would of months ago! But I can't! :( 

I always here it's possible, but I think they're the lying. Or it just doesn't apply to me. I'll never be free of weight, it will forever and always take my joy away from me. It will forever and always take the real me away from me! :(

But no one sees it. They all think I'm better and past the struggle, but what they don't know is it's at it's worst and I would do anything to wake up tomorrow 40 pounds lighter! 

They have no idea that if they let me I would eat 36 calories a day! But they won't let me so I'm stuck in this pit of hate and I'll never be free. Because I never can really say that's it I know have what I want. 

The finish line is always moving and my too strong stubbornness for ED will never end! 

Just another divorce

Jun 07, 2011 - 4 comments

Well that's it I'm pretty sure mum and Harold are done, they're splitting. Not like I haven't lived through divorce before. But the thing is when I was I'm grade 3 when mum and dad split I was too young to really know what was going on, I don't even remember anything about it! I always thought I just went down stairs and continued playing with my toys after my parents told me but according to my dad I ran and bawled my eyes out on the couch. I guess I just blocked it out. 

But still I don't know why this hurts. I don't even like Harold, I never have! But that's not the thing it hurts because as much as I can't stand him I still want mum to be happy! 

And mums right it is our fault us kids I mean. If we had just done our chores there would of been less stress on mum and Harold. But the thing is I try and try, and I can't do my chores any better than I do. I really do try I just can't. And as hard as I try I can't keep my room clean, and that's what stresses mum and Harold right out! 

Anyways I guess I'm moving back across the country with Dad and Auntie mummy, can't wait! I'll be free and maybe actually happy! I'm always hiding in my room here cuz I know otherwise I'll be yelled at, but with Auntie mummy it will be different. I've never once heard her yell! Things will be AWESOME, school will be hard but I'll make it through. I just won't take math like I was planning. 

As for now until I move, I don't even know if I'll be in my room tonight, mum woke us all up at 2:00am and said were leaving but she had no were to take us, so she's figuring it out today