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Miracles

Aug 24, 2013 - 8 comments

I've come to the realization although I will never give up hope for my mom, I have to concentrate on her quality of life as well.  Our visit with Sloan Kettering yesterday was not what I had hoped for but it doesn't have to mean its over either.  The doctor was very thorough, explaining everything from day one up until now.  She went over all the procedures and treatments she has had and agreed with her treatments given thus far.  Unfortunately, she said she wanted to be honest about their not really being a cure.  The cancer is very aggressive and now it was more about finding a treatment with little side effects so my mom can get back to her life.  She did speak of a clinical trial she maybe eligible for however, it would require her to make numerous trips and stays in the city.  Yesterday, we visited the Sloan suburban center about a half hour drive from her house in NJ.  They do not do clinical trials at this facility, its just an outpatient center.  My parents are not to fond of having to go into the city so I don't think she will go for this trial right now.  

The dr at Sloan also spoke about different oral medications instead of chemo, should this new chemo not work.  This is also the problem - because she did not respond well to the last two types of chemo, she is not hopeful for this new chemo treatment either.  This is disappointing as its hard for mom to deal with hearing this again.  However, there is a plan b in place and again, other trials that maybe available to her closer to her home.  

In the meantime, we try to live life as normal as possible.  My wish is my mom can go back to somewhat of a normal life.  I'd love this chemo to contain and slow down the process enough for her to see my sister and bil with their adoptive child, hear my boys talk, experience Disneyworld with us the first time we take them, and maybe finally take a trip to Italy to see where her father was born and lived.  I wish so much for her and my dad as well.  Next June 2014, is there 50th wedding anniversary.  I pray that God gives her long enough to celebrate that day with my dad.  The only thing I can do now is pray for a miracle.  Oddly, after our visit yesterday, my mom said to me with tears in her eyes, "I guess I better pray for a miracle because that's the only way I will survive."  It broke my heart and I couldn't even get the words or the right words out to say to her.  

Later in the evening after having some time to sort out my feelings I called her.  I told her mom, you said you needed a miracle and I am here to tell you that my boys are living proof that miracles happen.  Not only that, I said it happens for many.  I told her many of my friends here on Medhelp were told over and over they would never have a child and they got their miracles too.  My own dad told me to give it up and I told him no - never.  So I told her there's no harm in hoping for a miracle and knowing that miracles happen every day is something we can all hang on to.  

The dr at Sloan is going to work with my mom's current oncologist, assisting with her treatments, etc.  She will also find out more about the clinical trial in the city and take it from there.  In the meantime, she will continue her treatments (she has 7 more to go) and hopefully we will get some good news that the tumor has responded to this treatment.  On Thursday she has a small outpatient surgery to have a stent put in her kidney.  This will help as well.  I told her one day at a time and that's all we can do now.  

I don't know if I feel better really but I have to keep going for everyone.  My boys are a good distraction for all of us.  My sister and I had planned a surprise 50th for them but we are really not sure what to do.  I think we will put this on hold for now.  

Anyway, I want to thank you ladies as I know you are all going through ttc right now, pregnancies, loses, etc.  I know my postings are not really related to this forum anymore and at times I feel I should stop posting  now.  I want to tell you all never ever give up on your dreams.  For those of you who are ttc, I know your pain, I've been there and I understand.  I will always be here for you all.  For those of you who finally got your BFP, I'm so happy for you. Enjoy this time as much as you can.  For those of you who just gave birth, Congrats and enjoy this time as well.  It goes so fast.  

Believe in Miracles.... they really do happen! xoxo

Dear Cancer - Who the hell invited you?

Jul 31, 2013 - 10 comments
Tags:

Cancer

,

Uterine Cancer

,

Sloan Kettering



It's been awhile since I've written a journal and although writing usually helps me with my feelings, I've been too unmotivated to do anything.  

In the last couple of weeks I've questioned everything I ever believed in.  I'm not sure what to believe in anymore.  I use to have faith now I can't seem to find it.  I don't understand why this is happening and why now.  I can't stand having no control and not in a position to do anything to change the circumstances.  I feel robbed.  I feel cheated.  I feel defeated.  

Why can't my mom have a life filled with happiness?  Why can't God give this to her?  Why does he have to put her through this?  I know many of us have been told this is God's plan and we have to accept it.  I'm sorry I just can't.  I want him to change his plans - give us more time, give my mom her life back.  Please.  I've done nothing but beg the last two weeks - I don't simply pray - I beg.  I'm not sure praying or begging has even been heard.  But I'll keep begging if I have to.  

The only hope I have right now is this new dr she is seeing.  Although he did not offer much as in hope for remission, he did offer some options.  My biggest hope is Sloan Kettering.  The appointment is August 23rd.  Please let my prayers, I mean my begging me heard.  

Dear C, Please go away, who invited you anyway?  We don't want you in our lives, please leave us alone.  

If anyone has had or known someone with Stage 4 Uterine Cancer and has had any success in treatments, doctors, cancer centers, please let me know.  

You know what, I don't feel any better writing this.  

My mom

Nov 13, 2012 - 14 comments

My mom went in for a hysterectomy and once they got a better look, they realized the cancer had spread all throughout her stomach and intestines, uterus and colon.  She had a test a week before, colonoscopy and endo - both the dr said she was fine, so this was a huge surprise to us.  
The surgeon came out and said I'm afraid I have some bad news, we have to change directions now with the plan.  He explained everything to us very well - but all I heard was Stage 4 - aggressive - and the look on his face.  He told us that the next step was for her to heal from the surgery, she had a large incesion and that needed to heal first.  In two weeks she would come in for a follow up and to discuss the plan of treatment. She will need 3 cycles of chemo, petscan and then if all looks better, surgery to remove the rest of the cancer.  He told us it would be a tough road ahead and that he would answer all of our questions.  My dad looked a mess and my sister wasn't much better.  It's been a long weekend to say the least.  
I'll update more later.... Please keep my mom in your prayers!

Donor - to tell or not to tell?

Oct 09, 2012 - 12 comments

It's really funny but I had to get this off my chest so I figured I would do it my journal.  As many of you know we used donor eggs to finally get our beautiful boys.  When we were deciding to do this, I know for me, I spent many hours thinking about whether or not I would tell my family and friends.  Well after talking to the therapist we decided it was best to have the truth out there to avoid any problems later.  
So I made a conscious decision to tell everyone.  I worried over nothing I thought after everyone responded so well.  Most family members told us who cares where they come from? Great, I thought my worries were over.  
What is funny now is that since the boys have been born, I am repeatedly told that Michael looks like my husband and Alex looks like me.  Really?  I mean really, did anyone pay attention when I was explaining the whole donor egg process?  My dh said I need to let it go and to just say thank you.  I understand that but it still bugs me a little.  I think I am more upset over the fact that I dreaded telling everyone, worrying about what everyone would think and the fact that they don't seem to remember annoys me more.  
Well here we are four months later and I am told at least once a week wow Alex looks so much like you.  lol I have to laugh because now I do what my husband said to do, "Thank you."