Nov 21, 2010
There are no words to describe how much I love & appreciate you. When I came home from counseling on Thursday crying my eyes out, I was so scared to tell you everything but I knew I had to. We've been through this before and I hated to admit that I've failed you and failed myself. I was afraid that this would be the last straw and that you would leave me. I feel like I would leave someone who did the things I did. You are very strong for staying and putting up with me.
I know that no amount of apologizing can fix what I did, but I still want to tell you how sorry I am. Sorry for using our money on these stupid little pills instead of paying the bills. Sorry for leaving you home alone while I ran to the dealer's house, and sorry for lying about where I was going. That is so not like me; I am never usually able to lie to you about anything! This is just proof that the pills really do grab your mind and turn you into someone else.
It amazes me that you are still willing to be with me and fight this fight with me. It would be so easy for you to give up and move on; you don't need this stress in your life. You are not the one who chose to take pills, so why should you suffer the consequences? This just goes to show how strong and unconditional our love truly is. For as long as I live, I will not ever be able to thank you enough for helping me with this.
The road to recovery will not be easy. There will be times when I'll be irritable, mean, cranky, you name it. I'll probably yell and scream at you, thinking you're the bad guy for taking my precious pills away. The doctor even warned us that this will take a huge toll on our relationship. It's amazing to me how you are aware of the possibilities and what is to come, yet you still stand firmly by my side. It takes an incredibly strong person to do that.
I love you with all my heart & soul. You are my inspiration, my rock, my soul mate. Waking up next to your beautiful, smiling face every morning is one of the most important reasons to get sober. I am going to do this so that we can truly enjoy the many wonderful years ahead of us.
Dear Best Friend,
I came clean to you today. Funny how you already knew what was going on. A few weekends ago when you were here for a visit you kept asking me questions and even making accusations, yet I still didn't admit the truth to you. On the way to the airport you looked right at me and said, "You're high as a kite right now; I can see it in your eyes," and even though you were spot on I still denied it. I should have known you weren't stupid. I never could successfully lie to you about anything, big or small, so I have no idea why I thought I was getting away with this.
The consequences of addiction have affected our friendship, and for that I'm sorry. I feel extremely selfish for allowing you to pay my phone bill, treat me to dinner and drinks, and for the time being forget about the large amount of money I owe you from a previous loan. Here I was playing the pity card, when all the while my money issues could have been prevented. It blows my mind to find out that you were aware of where my money was going, yet you didn't explode on me. I also realize now why you said no when I asked you to borrow more money; I thought you were simply "unwilling to help," but it's just that you refused to enable me any more. Thank you for that.
I told you that I feel like such a failure; thank you for telling me I'm not. When I told you I don't think it's right how a real life hero, a US Soldier, is best friends with one of the weakest, most pathetic people on the planet, I like the way you simply said, "Well then, it looks like you're going to have to step it up a little." Thank you for always being there for me, even when I didn't realize you were actually doing it.