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Dedicated to the Ones I Love

Nov 21, 2010 - 1 comments

Dear Wifey,
There are no words to describe how much I love & appreciate you. When I came home from counseling on Thursday crying my eyes out, I was so scared to tell you everything but I knew I had to. We've been through this before and I hated to admit that I've failed you and failed myself. I was afraid that this would be the last straw and that you would leave me. I feel like I would leave someone who did the things I did. You are very strong for staying and putting up with me.

I know that no amount of apologizing can fix what I did, but I still want to tell you how sorry I am. Sorry for using our money on these stupid little pills instead of paying the bills. Sorry for leaving you home alone while I ran to the dealer's house, and sorry for lying about where I was going. That is so not like me; I am never usually able to lie to you about anything! This is just proof that the pills really do grab your mind and turn you into someone else.

It amazes me that you are still willing to be with me and fight this fight with me. It would be so easy for you to give up and move on; you don't need this stress in your life. You are not the one who chose to take pills, so why should you suffer the consequences? This just goes to show how strong and unconditional our love truly is. For as long as I live, I will not ever be able to thank you enough for helping me with this.

The road to recovery will not be easy. There will be times when I'll be irritable, mean, cranky, you name it. I'll probably yell and scream at you, thinking you're the bad guy for taking my precious pills away. The doctor even warned us that this will take a huge toll on our relationship. It's amazing to me how you are aware of the possibilities and what is to come, yet you still stand firmly by my side. It takes an incredibly strong person to do that.

I love you with all my heart & soul. You are my inspiration, my rock, my soul mate. Waking up next to your beautiful, smiling face every morning is one of the most important reasons to get sober. I am going to do this so that we can truly enjoy the many wonderful years ahead of us.  

Dear Best Friend,
I came clean to you today. Funny how you already knew what was going on. A few weekends ago when you were here for a visit you kept asking me questions and even making accusations, yet I still didn't admit the truth to you. On the way to the airport you looked right at me and said, "You're high as a kite right now; I can see it in your eyes," and even though you were spot on I still denied it. I should have known you weren't stupid. I never could successfully lie to you about anything, big or small, so I have no idea why I thought I was getting away with this.

The consequences of addiction have affected our friendship, and for that I'm sorry. I feel extremely selfish for allowing you to pay my phone bill, treat me to dinner and drinks, and for the time being forget about the large amount of money I owe you from a previous loan. Here I was playing the pity card, when all the while my money issues could have been prevented. It blows my mind to find out that you were aware of where my money was going, yet you didn't explode on me. I also realize now why you said no when I asked you to borrow more money; I thought you were simply "unwilling to help," but it's just that you refused to enable me any more. Thank you for that.  

I told you that I feel like such a failure; thank you for telling me I'm not. When I told you I don't think it's right how a real life hero, a US Soldier, is best friends with one of the weakest, most pathetic people on the planet, I like the way you simply said, "Well then, it looks like you're going to have to step it up a little." Thank you for always being there for me, even when I didn't realize you were actually doing it.  

Implementing This New Schedule

Nov 20, 2010 - 0 comments

I was about to label this entry Day 2 but in all reality I haven't been "clean" at all, so I think I should leave the counting to those who have gone cold turkey. I'm simply on a new tapering plan, comprised by Dr. N and agreed upon by me and Wifey. Right now I'm on 60 mg MS Contin (30 mg twice daily) and 30 mg Oxycodone (10 mg three times daily). The schedule works like this:

7 am        Take one MS Contin and one Oxy
1-2 pm     Take one Oxy
7-8 pm     Take one MS Contin
9-10 pm   Take one Oxy

Wifey has complete control over my pills, so she'll send me to work with one MS Contin and two Oxys. When I get home she'll either give me the remaining one MS Contin and one Oxy, or if she won't be home she'll have them waiting for me. The tricky part is when she is going to be gone for a longer period of time; for example, she leaves today while I'm at work and won't be home until tomorrow morning. She will still send me to work with the morning and afternoon doses and will still have the evening doses waiting for me when I get home. In order for me to be OK tomorrow (and so she doesn't have to rush home first thing in the AM with me flipping out because I'm in WD) she's going to hide my morning dose somewhere, and reveal its location only when it's time for me to take it. We talked about this in length and while I can't be trusted with many pills at one time, we both think I can handle this. i seriously do not see myself ripping my house apart in order to find two pills.

I told Wifey I'm extremely anxious about this plan. I trust her with my life and I know that she would never let me down by forgetting to leave me the pills or neglecting to reveal the hidden dose's location at the right time, but pill head puts doubts in my mind. I know myself well enough to know that I would totally and completely flip the %$@! out if for some reason I can't get in touch with Wifey and I don't get my meds on time. We both know that pill head would see this as a huge issue and drive a very large wedge between us. Heck, it would probably insinuate that Wifey messed up on purpose in order to hurt me. In reality I know that Wifey loves me and would never, ever purposely let me down. The rational me also knows that Wifey is human and all humans make mistakes once in a while. If Wifey were to make a mistake she would take swift action to correct it, and I honestly would not suffer very much as a result. All that being said, we both know pill head all too well so we *had* to talk about and make sure we understand the repercussions of a potential mistake...    

Overall this plan seems to be working pretty well as far as staving off WD. Do I still get "cravings?" Yeah, but honestly they're not bad at all right now because I'm on a pretty high dose of each med. I feel like I'm OK but have a false sense of security...what am I going to do when I see Dr. N in two weeks and he lowers my dose (probably going to lower the Oxy first)? Am I going to flip out and are the WDs going to be too much for me? *Sigh* I think I sound like a real wuss right now because I see all of these brave people on this forum doing it cold turkey. But hey, at least I'm making a genuine effort and I'm determined to beat this...

Time to go take a nap. I work 6-2 today but for some reason couldn't fall back asleep after getting a few hours in earlier. (No, I'm not even in WD!)

Day 1

Nov 18, 2010 - 1 comments

Went to see counselor for the first time today. Decided enough was enough! Told Wifey and doctor how I am not tapering like I am supposed to be. Doctor N. put me on a new regiment. Will follow up in two weeks to reduce dosage...

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