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really thin ice

Dec 28, 2010 - 1 comments
Tags:

Crying

,

fragile

,

suicide

,

help

,

official

,

past

,

Music

,

future

,

Guitar



i'm scared, okay? at the same time i'm peaceful.

i just found a new band and i'm in love.

i don't know i'm going to make it. but I said I will. just please, please don't interrupt this trip. don't tell my parents, don't tell anyone.

and in exchange i promise to get help when i get back. but i might need you to come with me. because i'm terrified, okay? i'm a wreck.

occasionally i get glimpses of the future and its strange. like i used to have this thing where for a second i would feel exactly as I had before, it was as if my soul was back in that body, that reality, for a second. its so hard to describe.

anyway, its happening again, but this time to the future i think. its strange, but good i guess?

we couldn't figure out why i have a problem with these things being official. i'm just not sure i could bear to know?

i don't know. please stay with me.

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okay

Dec 27, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

okay

,

sleeping

,

talking

,

risk

,

good

,

night



been okay today. last night was terrible, with the dissociation and paranoia. woke up to nice thoughts fantasising about suicide, not good.

my day was generally fine, up until about 15 minutes ago, some suicidal thoughts again. going to do more research. i would not consider myself at risk though.

not looking forward to bed tonight. sure, ill be talking to my girl and i like that a lot bit, but last night the f*cked up **** permeated into normal waking consciousness and i was lapsing in and out of a nightmare, whilst on the phone. i hate that. i wonder if the sleeping pills are related? i wont take them tonight before we talk and see what happens.

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terrible

Dec 24, 2010 - 1 comments
Tags:

terrible



terrible terrible terrible.

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bit better

Dec 23, 2010 - 3 comments
Tags:

pharmacy

,

okay

,

worry

,

sleep

,

sleeping pills



5:14 pm

Today has been a little bit better, no real breakdowns or anything. Been working on guitar which is sick and went shopping. Have not dissociated at all I think today.

Was a bit worried about french family but eventually succeeding in hinting that I wanted to go to the pharmacy by myself, and succeeded whilst there, so yeah. Probably dumb, but comforting okay? I don't want another last night, and if it happens, I can remedy it.

On that note, pretty intense presleep stuff last night, detailed on my sleep tracker.

I hope I stay alright, but don't expect to. But it's okay, i'm armed.

Hugo wants me to go play football. Distraction works.

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