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No terrible, not great

Dec 22, 2010 - 2 comments
Tags:

Suicidal

,

alcoholic

,

Hypnagogia

,

nausea

,

insecure



Havent dissociated much.

Remembered more about last night. Heres what i noted in my phone :

"past few days are a bit better but still with blemishes. Considered sleeping pills last night, but alas, somehow didn't take them this time. Definitely the absence of the stress factor. Some strange phenomena prior to lapsing into sleep, but most likely attributable to hypnagogia. Stuff like, deafening silence, imagining music, then cringeing because it was so loud, strange thoughts etc. I should talk to a psych about that."

Considered becoming an alcoholic today. What with hard liquor so cheap here, it would totally work to buy a couple bottles and have them by my bed for self medicating. But no, not yet.

Also was designing a guillotine in my head for suicide. That worries me.

I feel a fair bit nauseous right now. I also wonder why she didn't listen to my mixtape.

She also didnt call this morning as she was supposed to. Apparently her phone is wrecked but where there is a will there is a way. Maybe there isn't any will.

Its really really tough but i'm fighting, promise.

It would be so easy to end it.

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Okay with exceptions

Dec 21, 2010 - 7 comments
Tags:

okay

,

scars

,

suicidal urge

,

pills

,

Smoking



Feeling okayish. A couple of hiccups so far including being pretty triggered by a Neurofen commercial and having a brief, but potent urge to take a lot.

Also, my little french brother asked me what the big scars were on my arm, probably the only time ive had short sleeves since being here. I hurriedly responded the first thing that came into my head "uh, my cat".

He seemed to accept it and let it go but bot him and Margaux know I don't have a cat (I think).

Bailed to my room, put on my flannel and felt a bit better.

Also, my french family seems less comfortable with me smoking a lot, which is a little unsettling, because it helps me.

I think i'm still improving, please please don't fall again.

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Some notes

Dec 20, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

scared

,

Suicidal

,

Suicide and suicidal behavior

,

improving



Strange night, was on the phone and had some of the usual thoughts, but devoid of emotional attachment? Like suicidal ideas but without an urge, more an intellectual desire.

Also, my french dad yelled at Hugo for like 2 seconds and it really freaked me out, like I bailed upstairs and was like shaking. I don't know why; i've dealt with a LOT of family issues but it being here was a bit different, perhaps shattering the paradigm its a perfect family? I dunno.

Still improving.

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