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Jan 03, 2011 - 0 comments

How can you honestly expect me to get help? How can I possibly open my mind to officials now? I would be committed, you might call that safe.

Oh, feeling like harming? Ending your life? That's okay because i've read this part of the textbook, aced it actually! Here take these pills and go sit in your room. We'll monitor you, for your safety.

Oh don't want to? Too bad. You aren't deemed competent to refuse treatment. Here it is by force. Now you can sit in a really safe room! And don't worry, this all goes on your record!

I've read the books, I can talk you back to safe normality. Or medicate you forcefully.

You can't medicate yourself though, no more of those sleeping pills. You aren't allowed options. Don't argue, are you being uncooperative? Hold up, hey, I think he's being uncooperative again, do you share my expert opinion? Good, thought so. Sign the record with me, will you? Thanks.

No sir. I ain't doing this. No therapist can fix me by talking.

But hang on, what kind of position am I putting you in? It really isn't fair, I acknowledge that.

So forget me, wipe your hands off me. You tried. If you want, I can sign saying you did all you could? It's true, isn't it?

This is an unfixable problem. It will kill me soon. You should get out now before it kills you too.

Saga continues

Jan 03, 2011 - 0 comments














I was very suprised by my ability to wake up this morning and get to school. I though 5 sleeping pills would have destroyed today, but was wrong. That's encouraging.

Not an easy day, often felt down and as if I was dissociating. Want to comment that my dreams are becoming increasingly vivid over the past couple of weeks. Very nearly had a lucid, actually.

Dissociated a bit today, couldn't tell what was a dream and what was real, but it was very brief.

Not in the right state of mind for lucid dreaming. Very bad idea I think.

Here's what I wrote in my phone thought tracker today :

8:41am  "Crazy ward thoughts are beginning to penetrate regular waking life (bus to school). It might be time to leave soon whilst I still can. Sh*t I'm getting f*cking paranoid"

11:50am "It is hard to understand the effect that the concept of hospitalisation has on me. I merely read the word 'hospital' in a different context in the book I am reading and instantly felt very uneasy and nauseated. I really don't understand this!"

I feel my sanity crumbling and it scares the sh*t out of me, really. Same routine tonight.



Jan 02, 2011 - 9 comments

I feel rejected, worthless, hopeless, unneeded, unwanted, lonely, nauseated, sedated, embarrassed, worried, depressed, torn, shattered.

I wish I couldn't feel.

I am a blemish on this world. I taint it. I taint everything.

Not suicidal or gonna harm just feel HORRIBLE.

There it is

Jan 01, 2011 - 7 comments

7:30pm.  Suicidal again.  First real time today though and it didn't happen yesterday.