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Mirror Image

Jan 27, 2016 - 1 comments

So maybe I just don't feel like cooking tonight. But this morning, as I looked outside to the snowy landscape I said, "you know what Princess, your a selfish *****."
I do feel selfish because I didn't want to do it anymore, and ironically thinking since he's been gone, its been so peaceful in my home. It has been too nice that I don't have to slave at the stove.  No more walking on egg shells. Yet at the same time, I feel a lot of pain, because of the love lost. When I think of his laughter and how much fun I had with him, on those nice days. That is the killer of the whole ideal-the nice days. There could be a good month of NICE DAYS but then, out of the blue, the devil was back. I keep thinking, maybe I am the one thats crazy and overreacting and everyone has a temper and loose control once in a while. That his behavior may be a little extreme, but its not that bad that I have to end my entire relationship with him. But then I think, how much I am virtually ill from his anger that I say, I can never go through this again. In how it makes me feel, so bad I am up nights unable to sleep, because of the thought of loosing him because I got angry for him for dealing with his anger. There was times I would lie in bed and feel the shakes, at 2..3..4 in the morning. I also had to admit, I lost a good job at the gallery because of stress on one of our 300th breakups. But I blame myself for allowing it to get to me.
"The trouble with him is how he reacts to the mishaps that happen in life," said the witch woman who reads my cards. I had to admit she was right. He could be such a charming, comfortable person to be around, but if something bad happened in his day, he was a nightmare to live with. He would vent for hours, pacing with his bitching and complaining  and yelling about this person which did this to him, and my night would be able trying to make the peace, or possibly trying to tune him out for my own sanity.
  "Everyone ******* and moans," my friend Kat would say. "It just depends on how much."
One thing which was true which everyone would say, was how he overreacts about things that really aren't that bad. He would get so angry about things that the normal person would just shrug their shoulders at. Is it weakness? Is it insecurity? I would often spend hours wondering.."why is he like this?" He would get so mad that he would yell so loud and my cat would run under the bed. What about the time he bitched at me for not wanting to make gravy. He would go on and on in how I just don't care because I don't want to do anything for him, he would go on about how much I never do anything for him, and I would think I was selfish, again.
  "And you are going to forget the time he stomped out of your house slamming the door because you didn't want to  go walking?" Jay said.
  "How many times had you cooked a big dinner for him to walk out with a scream, 'I'm not eating your food!!"
  I had to remember all this when I was feeling sorry, and feeling like maybe it was me, maybe I am just too self centered to put up with it all.
I am not sure if it just my obsession for the lust we had, the control he had over me, or just the loneliness that makes me want to call him, and say that its ok he had another outburst.
And then, there is that angel that always appears in the foyer in my house and says, "really?"


How can you lose yourself in a room full of mirrors, when you know the truth is in the reflection?


Oct 14, 2015 - 1 comments

I had been walking around my living room, so happy that the side gig of picture framing photographs for Mr. Henley was done and I was able to put the room back in shape. I lit a candle and it felt ghostly around my house, which even though I was the one that built it in 1987 it had a way about it, that seemed 100 years old. Maybe it was from all the antiques and vintage fabrics I collected through the years even before the girls were posting pictures of them on Pinterest for being quaint, that I threw all over the tufted brocade sofas or hung on the casement windows, it just felt old, and I felt older around them. But like Drew use to say to me, I was like a Victorian woman, I had felt a coldness that seemed to creak from the front door, and I knew Jay was back.
  He had been appearing a lot more lately. I had read once, that when you thought of a person that passed away, it meant they were really thinking about you. The truth was I had been thinking a lot more about Jay lately, because I was on another break up. And just like magic, there he was.
  "thanks a lot."
  "Huh?" I asked.
  "You only want me around when he's gone."
  Thats really not true, Jay. I always wanted you around. Who else am I going to drink with?
  "I can't believe you can't drink chardonnay," he growled that was so human like, and loud.
  "Well, Jay, it brings on AFIB."
  It was then, he was wearing that short tartan skirt. I had started laughing. You see since I met Jay, he was done with all that. He never even told me and Jen about how he use to dress up in woman's clothes, because at the time we met him, his lover had already been gone for years and he had no interest in meeting another guy again. It was almost strange, how he was gay, yet didn't like men anymore enough to date again. In a way thats how I felt about Tanner. It was like I was a widow and he passed away. Gone from my life, and really, now I could understand, why Jay never wanted to date again, and like hearing my thoughts, in a way like he knew me then, he said, "well, not really...there was that cab driver that drove me home from the pub that night!"
  I started laughing so hard that I had to sit down on all the ripped laced curtains that were hanging over the sofa. It was really pretty funny, how I forgot all about him, and his friend Neil that would tell us what the real Jay was really like. I had asked him, why didn't you tell us? as little Jen would pipe in, "did you think we wouldn't love you anyway?"
  Thats all it took. I got up in a split second, twirled around, and almost opened a window, to look out, to search to see him at least once more again, but he was gone. I almost went calling, until he said, "don't you think its about time to stop depending on me? You need to let go of me, Walnut, maybe its time you stop depending on everyone."
  Crossing my arms I said, "how can I depend on a ghost? Your kidding right?"
  It was the truth. It annoyed me to pieces but that was the reality.

How it all ended

Oct 13, 2015 - 5 comments

"Just use some muscle and get in the damn truck."
  Ugh. Here it comes..another breakup.
  I then turned to look at him, while he was sitting in his van staring in mid space. We were outside the Old Attic Bar, and it was down pouring. It hadn't rained in New Jersey in months and I was happy to see the rain. There was something cozy about it, and I could get out all my old sweaters again. But I was not feeling the spirit because that night, he wanted to drop his van off at work. I wanted to see Nick, who had moved to Europe, 5 years ago and was in town for one night, at my old haunt at the shore. But I couldn't because he had to get this lousy van which I couldn't stand west. I had been thinking even on the way, how at that very moment, Nick was in New jersey, and I wouldn't be able to see my old chum. It was really pretty disappointing. But I couldn't tell that to him. If I even told him he was in town, he would of got nasty.
There was a missing step, and I couldn't get in. It was so high up compared to my car, and with my scoliosis it was impossible. "I can't get in." I said, after trying and falling back almost on the concrete.  Of course I couldn't keep in to myself, "it would be nice if you actually tried to help me, can't you help me in?"
  He says, "grab the handle!" and he was getting inpatient.
  I guess it was really all my fault for being such a wimp that I couldn't get in his f-ing van. But after struggling, I finally got in and closed the rattly door. I didn't talk to him the whole way to his job, where he wanted to drop off the van. I saw his truck and relaxed a bit knowing that was what was getting me home, of course he parked the van right next to a fence where I had no room to get out, in the dark or see where I was going. I opened the van and said, "ugh its pitch black I can't see anything." He ignored me. And I said to myself, you'd think he'd at least be a gentleman and pull the van out on the road so I could get out where I could see? Nope. Nope. Nope. It didn't suit him.
  While we were sitting in the Attic he asked if I had any desserts and I said I had apple pie from work, and so we planned to go in. But something happened on the way home. While getting from the van to the truck, he picked up his cell. Big mistake. Nothing I could help. There was a bunch of nasty texts from his son. We had already spoke that when he was fighting with his son, and having issues with him,  that we would not see each other. How many times had I told him not to see me if he is having problems? He just never listens.
  So it all changed. I didn't have to ask what the message said. I didn't want to know. We finally got to my house. I opened my garage door with my presser and he looked the other direction. Not one word. I got out. And I went into the house. I turned around to see his truck backing out of my driveway. And I said to myself, "I guess he's going home."

And that is the life with a bipolar man. You never know what it going to happen 5 minutes later.

Another big mistake of mine was calling him, "I thought you were coming in for pie."
He hangs up on me.
I call again because I am angry.
He hangs up again.
I call again, and he finally picks up, with a, 'WHAT???"
I said I thought you were coming in. He says, you don't even talk to me the whole way home why would I go in and be miserable? I said, You didn't talk to me either..I wasn't going to say you could of at least been a gentleman and helped me in and let me at least get out on a dry street...but that would of started a WAR..A war I have been down many times before, and with my heart issue, I have to stay calm.  But thats a lame excuse. The truth is, I hadn't been saying anything for years way before I got AFIB because if I did, there was hell to pay. With dealing with his nasty texts and disappearing acts. S I did all I could to say, "it was annoying with the rain and water everywhere and I was trying to stay calm, I am trying to rest my heart." And he said, "then go rest your heart." He didn't sound all that mean then,but then it was all boiling up, and I hung up on him. What was wrong with me that I had to always give him back his own medicine?
  Had I known this was going to happen, I could of went to see Nick, and bask back in the memories of all the fun, all the times we took the town by storm, me, Jen and Nick, and Jay, before he died. Jen moved south, Nick moved to Europe and Jay passed away. I felt abandoned. But I had him. But now I didn't even have that. But as Jay would say, how much? How much did you? How many times was he gone? The truth was, Jay was right. This wasn't the first episode of him leaving over something so unimportant. But after many years got to realize how his mind worked. You just didn't know what was going to set him off. I many times said he created this because he was a sabotager. That he lived on drama. That he was bored with things if weeks went by and everything was peaceful.
  I had grand hopes. for the last 2 years he had been good. A few episodes but nothing major. Then his son returned. And they all came back. It was time I faced that they never were going to end.

Behind a Tree's Shadow

Oct 13, 2015 - 0 comments

I had just noticed while driving down route 52 that all the trees had suddenly turned gold and pumpkin orange. How lovely fall is in New Jersey, and really not as ugly as the news makes the state out to be. I saw a dirt road off the road and decided to take some pictures. I felt a pang at that instant when I heard the ghost of Jay whisper behind my newly dyed ebony hair, "don't you realize if he was around you wouldn't be able to do this?"
Yea, I know Jay. There was a lot of things I wasn't able to do if he was around. But he would of been company. Somehow I had to find a way to be alone. It wasn't easy. I was just telling Lynda on the phone how I was tired of getting rid of ******* ****. That was all the crap left in my garage from all the men that lived in my house. He was number three. Come on, Walnut, I told myself, "isn't it about time you stop letting men move in?"
I had almost got the nerve to text him, please will you come and get the rest of your ****? But the thought of talking to him may bring on an episode of atrial Fib. Like an alcoholic without booze for a whole week, it was like getting an reward for having a week without an attack. I had to remember, back then, all I said, which was, "all I care about is my health.." I said, if I got better, and I didn't have to lay down under the rosemary curtains of my canopy bed, without having a pounding heart that beaten so loudly that my whole body shook and I couldn't fall asleep, that if I didn't have an attack, I would give him up. I hated being sick so badly that I would give him up.
"You have been going through this for years!" Jay exploded and then he was gone. He always seem to disappear when I was just about to tell him off, the only good thing was, I knew Jay would be back.
  Exhaling, I looked into the woods. It was so calm and peaceful. I crept deeper into the brush, wishing I had my easel and my paints. Not that I would have the strength to carry everything, but it was a nice thought. Lifting up my hand, a persimmon leaf fell on my palm, a gift from the trees. It was then, I took to looking up at all the beauty, and suddenly I forgot all about him.