Oct 13, 2015
"Just use some muscle and get in the damn truck."
Ugh. Here it comes..another breakup.
I then turned to look at him, while he was sitting in his van staring in mid space. We were outside the Old Attic Bar, and it was down pouring. It hadn't rained in New Jersey in months and I was happy to see the rain. There was something cozy about it, and I could get out all my old sweaters again. But I was not feeling the spirit because that night, he wanted to drop his van off at work. I wanted to see Nick, who had moved to Europe, 5 years ago and was in town for one night, at my old haunt at the shore. But I couldn't because he had to get this lousy van which I couldn't stand west. I had been thinking even on the way, how at that very moment, Nick was in New jersey, and I wouldn't be able to see my old chum. It was really pretty disappointing. But I couldn't tell that to him. If I even told him he was in town, he would of got nasty.
There was a missing step, and I couldn't get in. It was so high up compared to my car, and with my scoliosis it was impossible. "I can't get in." I said, after trying and falling back almost on the concrete. Of course I couldn't keep in to myself, "it would be nice if you actually tried to help me, can't you help me in?"
He says, "grab the handle!" and he was getting inpatient.
I guess it was really all my fault for being such a wimp that I couldn't get in his f-ing van. But after struggling, I finally got in and closed the rattly door. I didn't talk to him the whole way to his job, where he wanted to drop off the van. I saw his truck and relaxed a bit knowing that was what was getting me home, of course he parked the van right next to a fence where I had no room to get out, in the dark or see where I was going. I opened the van and said, "ugh its pitch black I can't see anything." He ignored me. And I said to myself, you'd think he'd at least be a gentleman and pull the van out on the road so I could get out where I could see? Nope. Nope. Nope. It didn't suit him.
While we were sitting in the Attic he asked if I had any desserts and I said I had apple pie from work, and so we planned to go in. But something happened on the way home. While getting from the van to the truck, he picked up his cell. Big mistake. Nothing I could help. There was a bunch of nasty texts from his son. We had already spoke that when he was fighting with his son, and having issues with him, that we would not see each other. How many times had I told him not to see me if he is having problems? He just never listens.
So it all changed. I didn't have to ask what the message said. I didn't want to know. We finally got to my house. I opened my garage door with my presser and he looked the other direction. Not one word. I got out. And I went into the house. I turned around to see his truck backing out of my driveway. And I said to myself, "I guess he's going home."
And that is the life with a bipolar man. You never know what it going to happen 5 minutes later.
Another big mistake of mine was calling him, "I thought you were coming in for pie."
He hangs up on me.
I call again because I am angry.
He hangs up again.
I call again, and he finally picks up, with a, 'WHAT???"
I said I thought you were coming in. He says, you don't even talk to me the whole way home why would I go in and be miserable? I said, You didn't talk to me either..I wasn't going to say you could of at least been a gentleman and helped me in and let me at least get out on a dry street...but that would of started a WAR..A war I have been down many times before, and with my heart issue, I have to stay calm. But thats a lame excuse. The truth is, I hadn't been saying anything for years way before I got AFIB because if I did, there was hell to pay. With dealing with his nasty texts and disappearing acts. S I did all I could to say, "it was annoying with the rain and water everywhere and I was trying to stay calm, I am trying to rest my heart." And he said, "then go rest your heart." He didn't sound all that mean then,but then it was all boiling up, and I hung up on him. What was wrong with me that I had to always give him back his own medicine?
Had I known this was going to happen, I could of went to see Nick, and bask back in the memories of all the fun, all the times we took the town by storm, me, Jen and Nick, and Jay, before he died. Jen moved south, Nick moved to Europe and Jay passed away. I felt abandoned. But I had him. But now I didn't even have that. But as Jay would say, how much? How much did you? How many times was he gone? The truth was, Jay was right. This wasn't the first episode of him leaving over something so unimportant. But after many years got to realize how his mind worked. You just didn't know what was going to set him off. I many times said he created this because he was a sabotager. That he lived on drama. That he was bored with things if weeks went by and everything was peaceful.
I had grand hopes. for the last 2 years he had been good. A few episodes but nothing major. Then his son returned. And they all came back. It was time I faced that they never were going to end.