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definitely a chemical

Jan 06, 2013 - 11 comments

so I just knew and you can see why. It's gone negative which if it had to be a this way, I'm glad it's resolving quickly. Going to bed! Had a long day with very little sleep last night. I am sad but encouraged that we are doing something right and catching the egg.


Dec 30, 2012 - 16 comments

Have the worst stiff neck today. It started yesterday and I was like nooooooo! I remember how bad this gets because it happened one other time before... In my tww on my bfp cycle. I chalked it up to stress (probably was) due to visiting my son in rehab and doing the "family counseling" sessions with my mom and sis too (train wreck lol).

I'm sure it's just stress related again. After all-- we are coming off a very busy holiday and I had many houseguests. However, I ended up googling (I know, never wise!) "stiff neck bfp" and there seems to be a phenomena with it. Probably you could write any symptom with bfp in google and it will show you at least one person who had it, but there were MANY who got stiff neck right around the same time as I am.  Either way, I thought I should write it down since I didn't last time.

Man I am not talking about a little bit of pain-- I am really suffering! Last time It was so bad by 7dpo I was in tears... I'm nearly there now. I need to try something for relief. Last time I was crying to husband and just said "f it, I'm taking naproxen! I am NEVER pregnant and always am cautious for what?!" Naturally it was the one cycle i did conceive. I still wonder if that contributed to the blighted ovum?

If anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears. I'm thinking a hot bath with Epsom salt... But I have no Epsom salt lol. Poop.

My situation

Aug 28, 2012 - 24 comments

Boy where do I start...?

I guess by saying I normally wouldn't disclose this info on this forum only because I use it mostly as a support for infertility issues. Problem is, it's all consuming and I really need to vent.

So as some of you know I have a son who is 23. Let me start by saying it was a really difficult pregnancy with him and an even more difficult childbirth lol... And that was the easy part. I was married a month after high school graduation and had him when I was only 18. His father was a MONSTER and we were finished when Troy was only one year old. Back in the day we couldn't rely on anyone but ourselves so I worked my azz off to support the two of us taking whatever job I could. Troy was always a difficult child, even getting kicked out of preschool at age 3. He really needed a full time mom but I was too busy working to be there for him 100% not to mention I was so young I made many mistakes. In elementary school he was always in trouble. Teachers couldn't handle his behavior and there were often meetings with teacher, principal and myself. Pretty daunting when you're a 24 yr old that looked 16 trying to defend an undefendable kid.
Around age six he called me from his fathers house while on a weekend visitation and was crying and terrified and hiding under the bed. I picked him up and called the police after I found out his father had turned his violent anger towards his poor defenseless son. I immediately put Troy in therapy and found out there were many instances of abuse I was unaware of. It was absolutely heartbreaking.  He stayed in therapy for three years going once a week and never had an unsupervised visit with his father again (court ordered!).

Things were better but he was always a difficult and 'different' child. After I remarried I sent him to the best private schools in our area. He excelled in academia and football. At age 16 he started showing signs of drug/alcohol experimentation. I found him getting into trouble outside of school and was very concerned. A month before he turned 17 (during Christmas no less) he went missing for three days and I was beyond terrified. Police were involved looking for him everywhere and I finally found him two towns over in a hotel hot tub partying. I sent him to rehab 5 days later. While in rehab he denied having any problems and the center agreed with me that he DID have a problem and wanted to keep him after the initial 28 days and extend it out to 90. I was in full agreement. His FATHER decided to check him out of rehab without my knowledge or consent! I was so flipped out that they released him to his father who had ZERO custody of him!!! I took him to court but by this time Troy was 17 and the courts felt he was basically an adult and let him decide where he wanted to go. This is when I lost him...

He slipped into many years of lying/manipulating and substance abuse. Our relationship was not good and he spent time going from my house back to his father's and back again.

Fast forward to now... He came to me this year and decided he needed to go into rehab and wanted our help. I can't tell you how happy this made me. He went in the first week of May (which is the month I got pregnant incidentally) and has been clean and sober for 4 months. It has been so great to have my son back all these months and had actually made the miscarriage easier for me to handle. It has been such a blessing.

Last night I woke up at 3am stricken with grief with a feeling in my bones that he relapsed... I couldn't sleep at all. I texted him around 5am saying I knew he had relapsed. No reply... I texted him at about 10am today telling him to call me when he was ready to talk about his relapse. Nothing. Finally, this evening he called and admitted he used last night. I am utterly gutted. I feel like all the trust he's established is gone. He says he is sorry and that he's sober today, talking to his sponsor yadayada but it's just words right now.

I saw this coming... Over the past couple of weeks his attitude has been changing and I told him I was worried he was heading for relapse. Thing is, he is saying things like, it could've been worse and that I should give him credit... it was 'just pot.' So his mindset is still in the dump. I don't think this is the end of his relapse... I think it's the beginning. He was kicked out of his Sober Living House (like a halfway house) which I have been paying 1/2 his rent. He was kicked out because he broke curfew too many times and didn't do chores, so yeah, it's back to old behaviors. He needs to find a new place by the first of September.

I told him I'd continue to pay if he found a new SLE male only (since he has sexual addiction issues too).

So anyways, that's my life right now lol. If you're still reading I apologize for rambling on and commend you for making it to the end.

Please keep me in your prayers for strength and to handle this correctly.

Am I really still going through this?!

Aug 23, 2012 - 16 comments

So I emailed my Dr today because I've been crampy all week and last night it became nearly unbearable. I started getting pretty scared that something is going really wrong. Had to take some percoset to tame the pain...

Dr. thinks my body is trying to pass the last of the tissue. I am told to go in for another hcg and if cramping gets worse to come in.

So it looks like I'm entering into phase 2 of the miscarriage! Sheeesh, will this ever end? I tested hcg this morning and it's still got a faint positive, so I'd say It's under 50. I'll attach a pic so you can tell me what you think.
oh, ....and my migraine is building again today :(
OHHH, and DH is battling a (so far mild) bout of kidney stones!!!!