... so now that i am more relax, my black little monster keeps on circling the desk as if: com'on now, spent last few days worrying, researching, stressing, time to go play..." He deserves a few balls but his thing is really being chased after.... hey, to each his own...

:)

Got my bx results back and to my big surprise, i am diagnosed as grade 1, stage 0. Honestly, I was expecting my liver to be much more damaged considering what i have done to this poor baby for a long time...

Partyyyy!!! Just kiddin'

i thought about that in yoga... this forum the people i recently met (although we don't know each other yet i feel that it is no coincidence that we are all here, at that moment, even spread throughout the world, there is no accident... it is still mind buggling if you ask me... the internet/forum phenomenon... when you stop and think about it... I have been spilling my guts to total strangers yet...) anyway, i have been participating quite a lot and enjoyed to give my two cent feedback and when it is really satisfying to help or try to help. and

...but...

between you and i, my motivation in doing so might be a bit on the selfish side after all or let's say in the self interest department.. When i help, this feeling of disappointment in myself becomes a little lighter... These last few weeks have been quite a ride as far as looking back at my life and realizing that I might have wasted a few years as well as opportunities all because of my addictions. so when i help, these f*** ups aren't completely useless. It is not in vain, it is not for nothing... it is actually helping someone...

... that's pathetic....

ok... i am not too upbeat tonight... i need a massage... anyone? :)

you know what it is... I feel lonely tonight and although i have my friend to visit, friends to speak on the phone who are actually worrying for me, i do feel lonely tonight. and it is not about romance, boy, or party with friends. it is not about people around... there were times in New York City (of all places on earth) I had felt loneliness. tonight is one of those times...

...double pathetic...

got to stop before this turns into a soap opera...

I ask myself about tomorrow. something that i cannot tell everyone as it would make no sense of course... i just hope that if in case it is pretty serious, if the results are not great... if damage is advanced... i am just a bit (and maybe it is good to be just a bit so that this does not bite me you know where) a bit scared that i go buy myself some gyn and drink myself to stupidity. seriously, i know that this is what happened the last time i relapsed, four months ago, it was only one night but it was one night and i know (intellectually) very well i can't afford it anymore. I know for sure that I drank and used all my life allowances when it comes to booze and drugs in a matter of 20 or so years (with spaces in between of course) i am done. nothing left.... and yet, I know how powerful this beast is and when tomorrow comes, and if good old doctor S* tells me that it is severe and that tx cannot wait... blahblahblah... first thing that is going to come up is: I will never be a mother. Besides the actual fear of what hep c can do to me, thinking that I could have f***** up this part of my life completely and definitely is quite something for me... How did this happen? All my life, I believed that one day I would be a mother. that one day, i would feel the strength and the love that only a mother can give and i would be, one day, able to share everything with a little one. a little being to whom i gave life. I always thought that this day would come and if in other areas of my life, i did not score too well, i would actually be and do everything in order to be a great mother... so tomorrow, if i am sincere with myself tonight is stressful (... stressful... yeah whatever.... actually it is blank... i feel but i don't feel) 'cause tomorrow comes and I may need to switch my thought process, my brain, body, soul, you name it, reprogram because starting tomorrow i might never be a mother after all. Parenthesis: I found out about my low platelet count while doing blood routine work because i had decided to try to get pregnant... this is october 2010. why did I wait so long? because, i got pregnant beg of last year (was in a relationship...) but had a miscarriage. the few weeks i was pregnant, I felt so at peace, so determined, so protective, so right that it just made all sense to me... Now, is the time. I can't wait any longer. A* and I broke up but this did not stop me to wanting a baby and I was ready to do things (bank...) that I never would have imagined to do... you know.... but being pregnant felt so right.... i am spilling my guts here... :) at least I am not drunk and will not regret it tomorrow morning... Hehe

...So...

I cant let it come back up. it is fast and once out: finito: it is like going on automatic.  straight to the liquor store (well aware yet cant stop myself) well aware that the next day, i will feel like ****, well aware that all i am doing is adding more damage to my liver, well aware that it is a step backward and a costly one... i simply cant stop it. so yes if i am concerned about tomorrow it is because of the results themselves and what they really mean to me.... and also, how I will react if the worst case scenario...

...