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Nov 07, 2012 - 0 comments

i dont know what to do with myself right now. my brain just gave me the most serious inclination i've had in a while to pick up smoking. i know it's wrong. i have asthma. smoking could kill me. but i want it? cuz i know that it makes you calm. i know that it helps with the hurt. i have a lot of hurt right now.

i want to cut right now so bad. but where? cutting my thigh was great... until i put pants back on and tried to walk for the next few days. also i'm afraid if i cut too deep all my fat will spill out. that sounds dumb as fukk but i'm serious. it could happen. i really wanna cut tho. i need it. thighs are out, so... arms? which one, where? i'm sick of cutting my upper arm, but with my roommate here i dont know how i could pull off some forearm or wrist cutting. and i've never cut my wrists before. what if i cut too deep? im not i'm going to see michelle this weekend. she doesnt know i've started cutting again. god i'm screwed.

I feel like...

Nov 07, 2012 - 0 comments

I feel like i shoulda voted. But obama won anyway. The electoral college votes won by a landslide. The popular vote had nothing to do with him winning. My vote wouldnt've mattered. i dont matter.

aww fukkkkkkk

Oct 31, 2012 - 0 comments

my boyfriend







i just realized something. when fred's and my one year anniversary hits in december.... fukkkkkk. i'm gonna have to do a lot of pretending to be happy and deal with all his "we've been together for a year, we'll be together FOREVER" sh*t..... fuckkkkkkkk. cuz i'm the one. he's gonna someday convince me to marry him cuz i'm the only girlfriend he'll ever have and we're going to be together forever. well fukk that. he's a great guy and it really makes me sad that i have to tell him dont feel the same way he does, and it's gonna break my heart to tell him that i dont even want a boyfriend ever, to tell him that i'm ace. i don't even think he could comprehend the term 'aromantic'. it'll be best if i wait to tell him... i think.... fukk. well, maybe he'll actually buy me flowers for once between then and now. if i have to have a boyfriend for a few more months, i'd like it to at least feel like i did, rather than just have this lovesick puppy trying to convince me that our futures are not 'his' and 'mine' but rather 'ours' *noise of utter disgust* if it wasn't for that i would be cool with staying with him. i wouldnt dread 'romantic' sh*t like our anniversary. fukk i wish i was single. he just doesnt get it that no, i dont want kids! it's not cuz 'i dont believe in myself'. knowing i'd be a sh*tty parent is besides the point. i dont like being bound to people like that. having kids, or a clingy boyfriends is just.... GAH!. its like... get it offffff. at least we live over 100 miles away from each other.... XP i just wish it was easier. cuz i'm really good friends with his [gay] brother, and i feel like breaking up with my bf will result in me losing them both XPPPP

Broken Promise

Sep 29, 2012 - 1 comments

I did something today that i never thought i would ever again. I cut. after over a year of being... 'good'. i've come to the decision, that the promise i made, never to betray heero by cutting again, was a worthless promise. it was based on the conviction that she was my closest friend and would always be there, and that cutting again would betray how much she cares about me. well now, in college, all alone, i dont feel very wanted anymore. there's no point in even trying to make friends because i'm just not a likeable person. i dont think anyone would ever be as trustworthy and caring as i thought heero was... or at least, how she used to be before she made all these wonderful friends in college. shes changed. shes not the person i once knew. she's so open with them, shows them a side of her that i never got to know... the outgoing, funny, amazing side of her... that i never got to see firsthand.

no one here likes me, or is willing to be friends with me. there was one girl, emily, who i thought was going to be a great friend... but i just found out that she's joining a sorority. if that doesnt make her not want to be my friend anymore, then it'll change her and make her a stuck up b*tch like the rest of them... and the one other girl, sandy, is really great, but i get the feeling that she's never going to be a close friend, which means shes not worth making friends with at all. my roommate is nice, but she never wants to hang out with me. whenever we do stuff together, i get the feeling that she cant wait to leave and get away from me. she seems really shallow.

I cut myself again because i know that, even though i wont ever have close friends ever again, i still have my razor. my razor wont leave me. my razor wont turn on me. my razor wont be better friends with someone else because they're a better person... I don't know why i ever promised to stop...