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Sep 11, 2012 - 0 comments

wow im such a freaking idiot. my ONE night class, all fukking week, and i forget to go. i FORGOT. that is the stupidest thing ever. now i'm probably gonna get dropped from the class. it feels like there's no point to go to any of my other classes now that i FORGET to go to them. what's the point? i'm gonna fail college anyway. there's no fukking point. my life is ruined. there's no point to even trying anymore.

its official

Aug 08, 2012 - 0 comments

I've officially given up on writing. Might as well start forgetting that dream of being a best selling author and having an awesome penthouse in sanfrancisco... Cuz its never gonna happen. At this rate, I'm nothing but worthless. All I'm good for is complaining and playing videogames. Oh, and getting fat. ******* fat. But that's okay, I'm resigned to that part of my fate. Why did I ever think I could be skinny? I don't think losing weight will work next time cuz the motivation, the sheer loathing of every fiber of my being isn't there so much anymore. I don't hate myself when I look in the mirror anymore, I'm not disgusted... And its not that I'm happy with what I see, its just that I don't give a fukking sh*t.

And about the writing, it was coming--me giving up, that is. No one cares about my writing. No one. I know blah blah blah youre not supposed to care what.other people think, do what you like because *you* want to. Well writing doesn't work that way, at least not for me. I need approval to be worth anything, and no one can give me the time of day without acting like they'd much rather be elsewhere. Maybe its, or maybe my writing really does suck. I have no way of knowing. And it doesn't really matter, since I'm giving up something that I love very much, but simply cannot do anymore. I just can't. There's nothing. My worthless mind is spent. I'm done, and right now I'm much too upset to sleep.................


Aug 06, 2012 - 0 comments

Is it weird to say that, even though I don't leave for college until another three weeks, I'm already feeling homesick? And is it stupid to say that this low mood was inspired by a scene in a video game? Meh.... There's just something about my dresser that makes my pjs smell so calming.... That's something I'm really gonna miss. And my candles. I don't know if we'll he allowed to burn them in the dorms, but I'm taking them with me. It's also kinda odd that my favorite candle scent is a cheapo glade candle... Like my pjs, its a comforting smell. I guess, its not really homesickness... It's missing and knowing what I will miss sickness. This place doesn't feel like hone to me anymore, even my own room, but there's small things, like my pjs, the candle, sady, that I'm gonna miss so much... I don't know what to do, but I know its gonna be hard... I just hope that the dorm will at least be able to feel a tiny bit like home....


Jul 29, 2012 - 0 comments










i really just get sick of people. i guess it's normal, but when i need alone time, i get frustrated... i get irritable and just want to get away from whoever i'm with and whoever's making me annoyed. but of course, i can never get away. right now, i want more than anything than to be home alone for the night. but with mom being mom, and dad having dumped linda for the ten millionth time, i'm stuck with constant parental supervision. granted, i AM moving out in a month to go to college, but that wont be much different. at least, there'll be places on campus to be alone...

i saw a post on facebook the other day of this girl ranting about how she's sick of always being the one to have to make plans, and always getting left out... i didnt know her, but damnn, i know exactly how she feels. that's me. i always have to make the plans myself if i wanna see any of my friends. i can assure you, if i never asked heero to hang out ever again, we'd never see each other. ever. she's my best friend and means the world to me, but i'm taken for granted i think. i'm just always there, ready to entertain or annoy. always. i think, next time i get to talk to her [[she's up at the high ride now, and wont be back for a week still]] i'm gonna leave all the planning to her. and she'll know why--i'll tell her that i'm sick of making all the plans myself and being taken for granted. if she wants to hang out with me, she has to have at least some responsibility. friendships are two sided. and i dont want to go away to college knowing that if i never take the time, i'll never see my best friend again. she just means to much to lose, you know? she just means too much to me...
dammit, i know why i'm feeling this way [[not the wanting alone time part]]... its cuz i miss her. i've seen her like three times in the past month and a half, cuz she's been gone so much... i miss my best friend. honestly. and it doesnt help knowing that she's having too much fun with that boy from florida to even have me cross her mind. XP

well, now i need to wipe away these tears and make myself look normal again.... my computer's about to die, and my charger's not nearby XP

not to mention, that aside from craving time to myself, i'm extremely lonely. missing your most important person will do that. jaim and the others are going to the waterparks in a few days i think... if they invite me, i'm not turning them down.