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something good

Jul 01, 2012 - 1 comments
Tags:

family

,

Home

,

Sad



so, as odd as this sounds, for the past year and a half, i've had a persistent feeling of running out of time. that some big change was coming, and that life would never be the same, that i was gonna lose everything. i'm pretty sure this was brought on in part by knowing college was coming soon, and feeling that my friendship with heero was fading. i just realized, that i dont feel this way anymore.

maybe it's because, the home i was afraid of losing no longer feels like home. I came back from my mom's house the other day [[my mom, who i'm getting along with better than I have in nearly a decade]] to my dad's, the place I've called home for quite some time, and felt like whatever made it 'home' was gone. the house felt violated, by people who i once considered family, but now see as unwanted strangers. i guess it's a sort of closure, since i've always felt attached to this house... but now that my dad and i are always fighting, that sense of 'home' has vanished. I dont belong here, i dont belong anywhere. I'm afraid to spend a lot of time with my mom, because we'll start to fight again, and then what would i do? i cant go back to that...

I'm so excited to go away to college in a month and a half. i'm finally getting out of this **** town--i've wanted to leave since I was ten. i really just hope that my dorm in the city will feel like 'home', will feel like somewhere I belong...

thinking bad thoughts...

Jun 02, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Bad Thoughts

,

thinking

,

bad

,

thoughts

,

help

,

hurts



i have a very bad image in my head right now. an image i want to make a reality, at least part of me does. that image is of my razor, tearing into my skin, making a very deep cut, adding to the myriad of barely-fading scars... I want it so bad, and so often. can it be so wrong to betray the promise i made, if i want it this bad? i'm afraid i wont be able to live with myself if i break that promise, but cutting is the only way to ease the hurt... god i dont know what to do. i want to talk to someone but theres no one... it would be so easy to make the hurt stop, but at what cost? what is the cost of the only means of help?

i just need a distraction for now... something to hold me off until next time...

....oh and by the way, its really not a good thing that there's a straight-pin next to me... well, its not good, given i intend to refrain from self injury...

ow....

May 24, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

head

,

hurts

,

Depression

,

self injury



ugh my head hurts. cuz i was bashing it against the wall. ....i know what you're thinking "what a fukking retard, hitting her head on the wall? why?" well its cuz i'm the biggest most stupid, worthless piece of sh*t on this worthless planet. I had a cup of chocolate milk [[i'm a fata*s pig, i know]] sitting on the couch. i knocked it over somehow, and it got over everything. i panicked and set it on the floor, and moved everything out of the way. when i got up to run and get a towel, i tripped over the cup and it spilled *again*. what kind of piece of sh*t moron would let that happen? me. obviously. i managed to clean it up as much as possible, but the sofa reeks now. bleh. not gonna have chocolate milk for a while. fukk, i shouldnt even eat for a while, i'm such a fat pig. a wh*re.
but, when i get upset like that, when i do something wrong, i *have* to hurt myself. i'll either bite my hand or bash my head against the wall/slap my head as hard as i can. sometimes i'll even claw myself. whatever is easier to hide [[not gonna hit myself in the head while sitting in school]] i dont know why i do this, just the justification for it. i'm a piece of sh*t, i screwed up, so i have to pay for it. by hurting myself, and making myself feel as sh*tty as i should. its not fun, but i always deserve worse.
of course, this makes me wish i could still cut. i'm not allowed to, but i still think about it more often than i should. i miss it so badly... maybe someday i can convince myself that to do it is worth the betrayal, worth the hurt it'll bring. i dont know...

is it weird that...

May 22, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Relationships

,

Life

,

help

,

mom

,

dad

,

hurts

,

weird



is it weird that, now that i'm living with my dad full time, i've grown to hate him? and my mom, who i've hated for almost a decade--i'm finally starting to have a decent relationship with her, now that I hardly see her? why is this? it makes no sense.... why cant i just get along with my parents?

and why the hell does my dad have to kick me out of my own house? why does he have to get mad at me for acting like my mom, whom i clearly take after in several ways? i cant help that i'm like her! and when i'm not like her, i'm like my dad, which makes me both a bit-ch and an a*s! i'm gonna hurt that a*shole one of these days. a kick to his nonexistent balls. manwhore. b*stard. god i hate my dad. i'd say i wanna live with my mom, but then i'll hate her again. and i'd much rather have a good relationship with her than him. he doesnt deserve it... well, she doesnt either, but at least she realizes that she screwed up. he doesnt.

fukk it all. just a few more months, and i can leave all of this behind. all of it. forever. i'm starting a new book in my life, and this one's gonna be so much better than the prequel. i'm sure of it....