May 24, 2012
ugh my head hurts. cuz i was bashing it against the wall. ....i know what you're thinking "what a fukking retard, hitting her head on the wall? why?" well its cuz i'm the biggest most stupid, worthless piece of sh*t on this worthless planet. I had a cup of chocolate milk [[i'm a fata*s pig, i know]] sitting on the couch. i knocked it over somehow, and it got over everything. i panicked and set it on the floor, and moved everything out of the way. when i got up to run and get a towel, i tripped over the cup and it spilled *again*. what kind of piece of sh*t moron would let that happen? me. obviously. i managed to clean it up as much as possible, but the sofa reeks now. bleh. not gonna have chocolate milk for a while. fukk, i shouldnt even eat for a while, i'm such a fat pig. a wh*re.
but, when i get upset like that, when i do something wrong, i *have* to hurt myself. i'll either bite my hand or bash my head against the wall/slap my head as hard as i can. sometimes i'll even claw myself. whatever is easier to hide [[not gonna hit myself in the head while sitting in school]] i dont know why i do this, just the justification for it. i'm a piece of sh*t, i screwed up, so i have to pay for it. by hurting myself, and making myself feel as sh*tty as i should. its not fun, but i always deserve worse.
of course, this makes me wish i could still cut. i'm not allowed to, but i still think about it more often than i should. i miss it so badly... maybe someday i can convince myself that to do it is worth the betrayal, worth the hurt it'll bring. i dont know...