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so alone

May 12, 2012 - 0 comments
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alone

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i feel so freaking alone right now. we got back from the disneyland grad night trip this morning and i've felt like crap since. im tired, i hurt, and pretty bummed about how the trip wasn't as fun as it should've been. but, what's really got me messed up is i made the mistake of expressing my always-wrong-political-opinions to my best friend [[she didnt go on the trip]] and we ended up almost fighting. that always happens because we cant agree on politics for **** and i have trouble not sharing my opinions sometimes. even if everybody hates what i think, i want to say it sometime, to try to get these idiot republican oakies to understand how evil they are in what they believe. but, i'm wrong in wanting to do that, because i always, without fail get **** for it. and now i think my best friend's mad at me. i wanna say i'm sorry, but she's not on facebook and i dont want to be annoying and text her. and its the worst when its her i cant talk to, because she's the only one i feel safe enough confiding in. i cant even go past the superficial with my boyfriend. so with no one to talk to, i'm just all bottled up inside. i cant stand it.
i'm just so sick of the feeling that i'm losing her, losing my best friend, the person who understands me better than anyone else ever will.

its a good thing...

Apr 17, 2012 - 0 comments

That my eyes don't get puffy from crying at night, cuz I've been doing a lot of late night crying.  Im not sure how much longer I'll be able to handle all this crap. And when I do finally snap, my dad sure as hell has it coming. I don't give a care that this was the 'hardest time of his life'. He had no right to make me feel like I did, like I do. I hate him. I wanna move out and live alone. I wanna go to college and never come back. Ever. I'm so sick of this life... I'm so sick of pissing everyone off and making them hate me even more than they already do. I know I deserve it all, for being such an ugly disgusting fat *****, but I can't take it. I wish I was dead. I just don't ******* care anymore.

really, theres no hope

Mar 23, 2012 - 0 comments

I just don't know what to do anymore. People keep saying that it gets better. Hell, they've been telling me that for over a year now. And for a short while, they're right. It gets better... For a very short amount of time. And then more **** just HAS to happen. It's pretty damned clear that I'm not allowed to he happy. I get the ******* message, okay??? I just wish the world would stop screwing with me. It's times like these when I regret that I quit cutting. God it would help right now, when venting to a keyboard is my only way to cope. Well, I'm not allowed to be happy, so what does it matter, anyway? I should've killed myself last year when this all started. **** me.

just a quick question...

Mar 05, 2012 - 0 comments
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question

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feeling

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control

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normal

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Sad

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upset

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vent



...why is it that struggling to hold back tears is such a normal feeling for me? why do i have to deal with this so often??

why do i get so upset so easily? why, whenever i am angry or frustrated or stressed, do i always end up in tears? why do i have no control over my emotions? why, even though i've never been happier, do i still get so sad? why cant i just be normal, and not such a wimp? why am i such a wreck? why does he see anything in me? why does he say he love me? there's nothing to love... why, when i get upset, can i never calm down?

i'm sorry, to whoever reads this, but i need to vent, and nowhere else is safe... -_-