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Jun 09, 2009 - 11 comments

Well, Thursdays ultrasound gave us a "pretty sure" it's a boy result. SO happy about that, but I've always wanted to do the Intelligender test. It claims 90% accuracy and I've known a few people who have done it and it was right for all of them. SO...

My girlfriend went out and bought an Intelligender test for me yesterday. She knew a few weeks ago we were going to get one. We were both curious if it "works" or not, so out of curiosity I took it this morning with fmu and the results were clearly boy. I'm more convinced now that I'm having a boy. The ultrasound with a "pretty sure" guess, the strong boy vibe and now the test. I think I feel better now, even though some people say the test is a scam, they claim 90% accuracy. The test seemed legit to me and not like a "just for fun" type thing. Who knows, who really cares (: I got my thrills out of it!

I needed a pick me up

Jun 03, 2009 - 3 comments

I've been feeling so blah lately. Not sure if it's prenatal depression or what, but I needed something to lift me up. SO, I spontaneously decided that we need to head up to Minneapolis and have a 3/4D ultrasound tomorrow! I feel bad, because Ben works up there and it's his day off, so the hour and a half drive up there and then again back won't be all that fun for him, but we are going to make it a family outing. After the 5 pm ultrasound we will also go out for dinner. The girls and Brody will be there as well, so it will be exciting for us all. I just hope that at one day shy of 16 weeks we get some good pictures and can find out the gender of this baby. The ultrasound tech I spoke with there told me that it's possible, but not a guarantee, depending on the baby's position. I hope he/she cooperates! If baby doesn't cooperate, he told me they will do it in a week or two for free. I just can't wait to see this baby and find out if my guess that it is a BOY is right (: I couldn't wait until June 23rd to find out.

Feeling emotional and a bit sad...

Apr 30, 2009 - 27 comments

Ugh...I'm not sure why I sometimes make a bigger deal out of things than need be, but I do. Then I feel angry at myself and I want to retract everything I've said and done. I've just spent the last 2 or 3 hours here at work crying off and on. Why? Because I made a mountain out of a molehill. Or did I? Sometimes I can't trust my own feelings! I know being pregnant makes me more emotional and sensitive. I cry easily over things. But, I'm trying to find the root of this sad feeling. On Tuesday Ben, Brody and I had lunch. He had the day off, the girls were in school and they met me downtown for a burger. It was nice. I reminded Ben that Brody had speech therapy on Thursday at 3:30. He simply said "That won't work, I'll be in Lake City at my parents house. Maggie and Andy (his sister and her husband who live in Omaha) are coming and I'm going to go see them and work on the trailer." We have a trailer that he wants to make sides for so we can use it to haul stuff when we go camping. I was a little surprised, because he hadn't even told me. I love Maggie and Andy and their kids. I love trips to Lake City visiting with his family. He hadn't asked if I wanted to go. His excuse was that he had just found out about it the day before and hadn't had a chance to tell me. Fine. I understand that. My next concern was that he didn't ask me to go. Well, the rest of us (the girls and I). I asked if it was alright if we came. He said if we wanted to go that was fine, we would just have to come after I get off work. I asked if maybe he could just wait until I get off work. I get off work at 3:30 but could leave an hour early at 2:30. It doesn't make sense to take two vehicles. It's an hour drive one way. He said he wanted to get there and start working on the trailer. I left it alone.

Fast forward two days. This morning while we were still in bed he asked me if the girls and I were going to drive to Lake City after work today. I said yes, but that I still didn't understand why he can't just wait so we don't have to take two vehicles and waste gas. He told me he didn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of it. I asked if he wants us to go and he said he didn't care. Of course, then I was hurt. I said "You don't care if we go? I would like you to care." He just said "Good Lord" and rolled over in bed. End of discussion. I dropped it.

So I call him from work and tell him we will see him in Lake City tonight. He says that since it's raining out he probably won't be working on the trailer. I tell him then maybe we can ride together after all. He says "It's not that big of a deal, I'll just see you there". I say, "Well, if you're not working on the trailer then I don't see why you can't wait for us to get home so we only take on vehicle." He says "I don't understand why you're giving me such a guilt trip about this." So, about to cry because I'm emotional, I said, "I have to let you go" and I hung up the phone.

I get a text message from him saying "I love you too!" It was sarcastic obviously, because I hung up and didn't say the usual "I love you" at the end of the phone call. So, I tell him in text back, that I do not understand why he thinks I'm giving him a guilt trip and why it's such a big deal to wait for us, being that he said he didn't think he would work on the trailer. Then, I start getting more upset, crying at work, and text to him "Thanks for making me cry, I love it when that happens at work." He writes back "FINE, I'll wait for you to get off work and we'll drive together. Happy now?"

WHAT?! Happy now? NO! I'm not...I shouldn't even have to beg him to wait for me. Should I? I know I made a big deal out of this and a lot of it is being overly sensitive due to being pregnant but I think I have figured out the root of it (for me). I feel that the girls and I are segregated at times. Maybe I bring some of that on myself, but I feel he wants to get there and spend time with his family without the girls and I there and for some reason that really hurts. We are a family. Am I being stupid? Probably.

So now I have to figure out what I'm going to say. I have to figure out if I want to open this can of worms with how I am feeling with the girls and I feeling a bit separated at times, or if I want to just chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and apologize and move on. I just somehow always feel that my feelings are never justified, they are minimized and I am always the one in the wrong. Maybe I am, I don't know. Just feeling really emotional and I guess it's not really that big of a deal. Or is it?

PS-if you comment on my journal, don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Tell me what you truly think! In other words, don't sugar coat it ;)

Please help me understand...why do people do it, or attempt to do it?

Feb 20, 2009 - 78 comments

Okay, first off I am going to ask people to be nice. If you are not nice, I will just delete the entry. Now that that's said, I am trying to understand from a point of view that people probably will be upset with. It's about suicide. Why do people go there? Why do they do it? Here is my opinion and please do not bash me for this. IT IS SELFISH. It is the most selfish act. What type of person would or could feel that their pain or their depression or their life is more important than the ones who hold them dear? What type of person thinks that leaving a child or children that love them and a spouse or parent or sibling left to deal with the sadness, the grief and the pain that they caused is okay? I do not understand this concept. And what makes them think that it is their right to take the life that God gave them so selfishly?

Several years ago a close friend of mine committed suicide. He left behind a 5 year old daughter who thought the world of her Daddy and a wife. The grief I experienced was tremendous but I cannot imagine how his wife and daughter felt. Not to mention, then I became angry. WHY would he do this to them? WHY did he think that the pain he was feeling was much greater than the pain he left THEM with? WHY? His little girl was heartbroken!!! I don't get it. I can't comprehend it!!

This might be because I've never been there. Oh, I have had down times. I have had bad times. Don't even get me started on the things that have happened in my lifetime that could have put me there. BUT, there was a voice in my head that told me to look at all of the good instead of all of the bad. That even at my most down times, there was still good all around. Even the simplest of things, I could pick them out and lift myself up. The sound of my children's voices, or a phone call from a friend. The sunrise, the birds chirping, the green grass and the blue sky. The list goes on and on...

What is it that sets a person off to a point that they can't see these beautiful things in life? What is it that makes them care only about their pain and about nothing and nobody else? I just don't understand it!!! All I see is selfishness...