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Completely. Utterly. Devastated.

Jan 05, 2013 - 13 comments

Just turned 45. Lost our baby boy 5.5 years ago at 20 weeks. Husband dropped a bomb on me in late November that he doesn't want to be married anymore. Losing my marriage is worse than losing my son. My husband just threw us away like we meant nothing. He wasn't even willing to try. I am devastated and very depressed. I lost my marriage, my home, I am living with my parents, and all my friends are over 1,000 miles away. I miss my husband horribly. I am very angry and profoundly sad. We were in the adoption process and now I will probably never be a mother. I am a good, kind, loving person. I DO NOT DESERVE THIS.

Our last try?

Dec 26, 2009 - 5 comments

So, I think this was the last time Rob and I are TTC. I'm turning 42 on Tuesday, December 29th which also happens to be 12 dpo. I'll start testing tomorrow and through Tuesday. I realize 10 dpo is early, but I bought a 3 pack of FRERs. I'm having period-like cramps tonight and my bbs are sore, but these are pretty normal for me. The cramps feel a bit different, though. I usually have them lower near my ovaries, but tonight they feel more like period cramps. I hope to God it's implantation cramping. I'll look for any bleeding tonight and tomorrow.

I don't really know why I get so hopeful every month any more. With a
diminished ovarian reserve, I don't know why I still think I could get pregnant.
I had a big meltdown last night. I was missing our baby so much. He would have been 2 on 12/21. I just sobbed and sobbed. I was so very sad. I woke Rob with my crying and he just held me until I could stop. He's such a wonderful husband.

So, wish me luck for the next 3 mornings of POAS. I'm not holding my breath by any means but still feel hopeful. I'm still hoping for a Birthday Miracle.



Feelin' Good!

Oct 14, 2009 - 33 comments

I got my first ever Smiley OPK on Monday and I was so excited! It felt almost like getting a positive HPT. I was sick as a dog and Rob was exhausted so we didn't BD the day of the smiley. We did get busy the next evening when he got home from work. I was so sick and he was so tired and we just laughed and said how incredibly unsexy we were both feeling. I was lying there hacking and Rob said how hot that was. He's so funny. I love my husband so much. It's so amazing to be married to your very best friend. He's so good to me. We are so good to each other.

I feel like we pinpointed O so perfectly this cycle! We used to try to BD around the days of O, but we really hit it this time. I took 100 mg of Clomid on cds 2-5 and am going for weekly acupuncture. I have acupuncture today and I'm 1 dpo. I can't help but think it's great timing! I hope it will encourage my 41 year old eggs to do their job!

I'm just feeling good. And I'm feeling positive about getting pregnant very soon. Even though I'm exhausted and feeling really craappy with this virus, I'm feeling encouraged about becoming a Mommy. Rob is going to be such an unbelievable father. When I see him interact with children, my heart fills with such joy. He's so amazing with babies and kids. He really loves children. I can't wait to see him holding our baby. It will be so amazing.

I'm only 1 dpo and the next 10 days to 2 weeks will likely feel like a lifetime, but the time will pass like it always does. I'm going to try not to obsess about every twinge, but it will be difficult as it always is. Just knowing I have all of you to run them by makes me feel so good. This forum is so wonderful and I genuinely treasure all of you.

Yet Another BFN...

Jul 14, 2009 - 9 comments

Oh, I'm in tears...
It's been almost 2 years. 2 very long years.  

His name was Aidan. Aidan Michael. And we think of him and miss him each and every day.

We chose not to see him. We thought it would be too difficult for us. We had the option but decided against it. We also had the option of burying him but didn't feel we needed to.  I sometimes I wonder where his body went.  

Sorry for being so grim. It just hurts, you know?  

I think he was the length of my hand up to my wrist. I found a little doll at the dollar store  recently that was that size, but with much more girth, and I held it in my hand. I even took a picture of it with my iPhone. I just still want to feel connected to him. I miss him more and more every time I get a BFN and AF.

A day doesn't go by when I don't think of my son and ache for him.

It's amazing to love someone so much and you never even laid eyes on them. Or held them in your arms. I never got to press my lips against his tiny warm cheek and tell him Mommy loves him and will always be here for him.

I can only tell him in my thoughts and through the memory of my 20 week old belly and that he lived inside my body for all that time and it was the happiest time of my life. And then it was all ripped away. He was taken from me. My tiny son. My boy. It was the worst day of my life.

And it still hurts. A lot less, but I still feel the pain and the love all at the same time.

Every single day.

But I keep going on because I have to.

It'll happen for us. One day it will. And it will be the new happiest day of my life. And it will be amazing. And my life will feel complete.