All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

**Please say a Prayer for me!!

Apr 28, 2011 - 89 comments

Dear MH friends,
I am asking for your thoughts and prayers, particularly tomorrow (Friday). I am having a craniotomy to remove a brain tumor that is threatening my vision. The greatest risks from the procedure is damage to my vision or blindness, but of course, being brain surgery there are other risks as well. I have faith that all will go well, but am asking for as many prayers as possible. Thank you.

reality is sinking in

Apr 16, 2011 - 6 comments

I feel like all I do is complain on here. But honestly, this is an outlet. I'm kinda funny about talking about my feelings in person, although I am very quick to share any medical details with anyone who asks. So a place like this where I can have a pity party for myself, or at least express myself honestly, is actually very helpful.

Yesterday was my last day of work and I am heartbroken. I had no idea I would feel this way.  I have never cried at the end of the year. When I switched teaching jobs, I happily skipped from the old to the new.  I was always just ready for the next step, the next challenge. Helps that I always loved my job, and felt I was good at it. I guess part of my sadness is because I am not leaving on my own terms, and I didn't feel like my work there was done. It also makes it reality that this is happening to me and I have to have surgery. Less than 2 weeks to go... I cried all the way home. I'm not a crier. I cried more yesterday than I have cumulatively since I got my diagnosis.


Mar 26, 2011 - 5 comments

I've got plenty to panic about. But what surprises me is what is panicking me the most.

I panic when I think about not seeing my girls for 5 days. That last kiss goodnight before I go in. That is what makes me feel devastated.

I am terrified of the fear that I will have the morning of surgery when I get to the hospital. Not the procedure, but the panic and terror I will feel as I am wheeling into the OR, or when I say good bye to my husband. Feels a little irrational to be so afraid of fear.

I dread recovery. I dread the side effects. I dread having to deal with lasting impacts for months, years, a lifetime. But I am prepared for them. I have read up on them, and accepted them (for now). But I do not fear that stuff. I actually have confidence that the procedure will go well. The risks are there, but I know in my heart that God's plan is for it to go well. But the thought of how I will feel that morning makes me sick to my stomach. And I have 5 more weeks to think about it.

The little things that stress me out.

Mar 13, 2011 - 11 comments

Of all the things that give me stress, this is probably the silliest. But I dread every time sometime asks casually "How are you?" I know it's become part of a standard greeting- Hey, how are you? Some people don't even realize they are asking it. Others don't care to know the answer. Others genuine want to know. And I don't know how to respond. I'm not OK, so I hate saying "OK." That's a lie. People get really thrown off if you reply "crappy."

Is it just me? How do you respond when you are having a rough time? I know this is a stupid thing to stress me out.