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ned, et al

Aug 20, 2016 - 2 comments

i know you can get in trouble for NOT crediting a quote, but can you get in trouble for attributing a quote to someone that they didn't make?  i guess you can.  its like DEplaigarism or something ...

these are the things i worry about


--Bart Simpson

'but this one goes to eleven!'
--Nigel Tuffnal


pardon me its late.  1116pm here and i have on the dope radio and its like really weird music it is tripping me out


so i got off my fine azz this morning, read the job ads (Mel advised me to do this like i DONT DO IT EVERY FREAKIN DAY! omg)  and i did.  i applied to like 3 places and i called the Temp lady who sets me up with sub gigs that pay like spit and she's going to start calling me Monday so ya

then this guy immediately responded to a resume i sent and  i hads an interview at 1pm today

it went very well

but that means NOTHING!

they have two schools, private, very small ... he was interviewing for a elementary teacher in a combined classroom but he thought id be a good fit for their other campus (near my current job) to teach 6, 7 and 8 ... English i think ... anyway it sounded great and we got on famously but idk how much it pays

he axed me to come to their Open House tomorrow to meet the director so i said yes.  ill go afters my meeting.

then i got home and i went to my meeting and then i went to the grocery store.

then i worked out.  i promised myself that i would either do 30 mins of cardio and 3 other things, or 45 mins of cardio and 2 other things.  NO MORE!  i was trying to set a limit.  but i ended up doing 45 mins of cardio, about 35 burpees, 24 push ups (one set the real kind which i still suk at but i can sort of do them), my free weights, and abs.  oops.  i just wanted to.  i really like it.

my roomies are having a party tomorrow ... maybe i told you.  im a little peeved i mean partly its bc i am kind of a buzz kill i guess but there will be alcohol pretty sure and prolly pot and thats sort of uncomfortable.  i might just spend the evening at Josie's.

Tbam was going to come but she is saying she might not cuz she started back to work this week (sheez a teacher) and her 3 hour commute is difficult.  really tbam?  omg.  well at least it's not like she moved forty thousand miles away from work for some dumb guy!!!!!  oh wait.  it is.

at the meeting i really got my comeuppance if thats the right way of phrasing it.  maybe its that *they* got a comeuppance on me.  im too lazy to look it up

welp i usually go to the noonski AA meeting at this clubhouse.  but i was at the innerview.  so i hads to go at 3.  i go to the 3 o clocks most days of the week, save Tues and Sat (willllllllllll you come see me)  (csn ok?  jeez the quoting spit)  so i know a lot of the ppl but i dont talk much there.  i dont know them *that* well, tho i have talked to a few ppl a few times.  but i know them by sight and most of them know me.  we say hi, etc

anyhoo i was like wending my way between tables to find the choicest seat and i was aiming to get away from the center of the meeting (though i remembered that Mel said to do exactly the opposite) and this guy who i always think of as the Psycho guy well not psycho but just like, pretty crazy (koo-koo, koo-koo) -- invited me to sit by him.  OMG medhelp!

i mean, AA MUCH more so than NA i find adheres to the 'principles not personalities' catch phrase (see, quotes), although some of the ring leaders as well as some of the kids (18-22 yo's) sometimes make fun of certain ppl and i disklike it a lot.  sometimes its in fun but other times i think its not, and is rude.

(i prefer to make fun of them in my head DOH!  )  i said it


anyway this guy ill call him ... Roland ... he is like, sort of touched i mean a lot of us in 12 step are ... but he is like Super Touched.  he is kind of chubby, not quite, and he dresses super nerdishly, and he usually sits alone but everyone knows him.  he sort of stays at the meetings all day.  he has a pile of books and notebooks with him and often reads or writes during the meeting although i have to give him this he is respectful and he sometimes participates.  When he speaks he kind of has a stutter and imo he seems really smart but like one of those idiot savant types i mean i dont think he is special needs in that sense of mentally challenged, but he definitely has noticeable mental illness and i would lay lots of money on the idea that he is on a lot of meds.  he is kind of out of it but in?  idk its hard to describe him ... maybe you get it

so i never want to be rude to ppl, but especially Roland, and when he speaks i don't make fun of him outwardly like a few ppl do and others who just dismiss him i think (the core crowd of old timers treats him nicely and with gentleness and respect, in good humor), but i try to pay attn and look like i do not think he is crazy (tho i do).  i just look at him very somberly and seriously as if he is normal. (i know im terrible)

... when he asked me to sit with him i was like OH MY GAH ... but i did, across from him (he wanted to give me his seat) but like, right across.

and i was FAR more into the crowd (madding--tm) than i usually am and than i wanted to be.  i mean who knows, Roland is smart, maybe preternaturally so, and maybe it was all A Part of His Sinister Plan ... hahahahaha (evil lafter)

but ya and he was SO incredibly kind and sweet to me, he was just so cute and funny it was almost too much.  but i mean what could i do?

SO many men at that meeting have given me the meeting times / schedule of events there that i could paper a room with them

and a lot of this crowd is older guys, guys with time, most of them are marriedmarried and they are just the sweetest gentlemen!

this one guy Ned i think i have told you about i judged him too at first (who me?) bc he is kind of odd looking but it turns out he is super smart and always says SUCH GREAT STUFF

a lot of the older timers there have some incredible recovery and VERY profound and helpful stuff to say

and a lot of them look really weird, mh



ok hi

and ...

then after a lot of ppl shared Roland raised his hand and go in his funny slow child like voice "I would like to turn over my share to my new friend and hear from her"

and i was like omg bc it was a really big meeting mh a LOT of ppl and a lot of young guys and i just ... not 20s guys but still young ... and i felt very shy and very intimidated and i just dk them that well like i know the laydeez at my Sati meeting.  i mean it took MONTHS for me to feel comfortable around them.  maybe close to a year!

i shared about this and that and i actually told them that i have 68 days and that i walked down the liquor aisle at the market yesterday (i did)

and i remember how angry 16 was when he thought i had taken a drink (but i hadnt he just thot from the tone of my pm that i was drunk --i wasnt) and that was almost how angry Ned was and he cross talked and after he congratulated people for chips and birthdays he said some severe stuff (he usually does but it is very helpful, like one time he shared that this young woman he knew was dying of cancer and she HAD to take meds she had no choice and here we were all whining about wanting to take drugs by CHOICE--wow did that hit hard) and then he talked right to ME and goes "What do you think walking down the liquor aisle" or something like that and he was sitting right near me "if you go to the bar enough times youre going to have a drink!"  i know i have heard that before but he sort of really scolded me and dressed me down (so to speak loll) and even though it was really hot and i replayed it in my mind alls day afterwards, i got what he was saying loud and clear, the actual meaning of it ... not being funny or silly.  i mean i get it.  and those guys medhelp ... yes im a chick ... and not bad looking .... but they know me, mh, i realized they know me and they care about me!  i know this is always a shock to me that ppl see me.  and care.

and a few other old timer guys shared TO me and this one guy who has had a stroke and looks super fukked up but has always been so welcoming to me, when i was sharing today i told him that he repeated all the stuff Mel says to me alls the time and how i hate hearing it ('this disease wants me dead!  its cunning baffling ' etc) and i said 'i guess i need to hear all that stuff' and he came over at the end and kissed me on the head.

they are so kind to me.

so yeah

yesterday when the job thing happened and my boss just never said ANYTHING to me, just let me go home without students, i had a melt down and when i called Mel i was crying and very very down and down on myself and she was like 'this is the perfect time for your disease to sneak up on you, youre vulnerable and it can get in"  so she told me stuff to do.  and to call her again that night if i needed her.  she is a great sponsor.

this other guy who is super cool, also older and he is like stooped over he is big and has some serious back prollem, he looks weird and i judged HIM before but now ive heard him talk a few x and HE is also very bright and has GREAT Stuff to say

he said that every morning he wakes up feeling down and negative and he prays and asks his God to help him be more positive and to do the things that he wants him to do ... and then he said "its up to you how much you want to fight that (gods will)" and i was like wow.  you just have to listen to that still small voice to find out what (god) wants you to do that day.  just the things for that day.  wow.  just listen and don't fight it.  heed it.  Wow

and Ned also said "anyone in here today who thinks that their God wants them to use or drink, raise your hand"

i was like WOW

but the truth is sometimes i dont know if my God wants me to stop using.  that's the thing.

but most of the time i know that my God DOES want me to be clean.  you know?

ok i gotta bounce mh

i love you!




ps i also worked / wrote fiction

evil carbs

Aug 17, 2016 - 4 comments

omg i just saw the prettiest green sheer just past the knee length dress in the sidebar ... ::wishing i had money::

someday Meegykins.

so check this spit:

when tbam ax me if i want to rent a room in her houset i say ONLY if i can have the room with the connek bathroom.  Bc I pee like 500,000 x a day.  i know, overshare.  but you have to unnerstan.  MORE than anyone else on mh ok?  really

i am personally responsible for depletion of the water table in CA

but i like wood better anyways

TABLES!  gah mh don't be nasty!


and then Beck came home and i ate some of his fruit.

Omg im so sorry

well i did!

he said "want a apple slice?"  (slicet i should call it)

and i say ya

and you know those Environmental Hemp Eating Green Twins No Gluten Organic Market on the Brain (i said BRAIN not brains!  jeez mh!  keep your mind out of the gutter!) (hype)(sike)  HA HA


not like Food For Less bottom of the barrel (literally) old looking sorry looking fruit all bruised up and NOT from role play!

um.  hi




its so sad   ::sniffle::

but I shan't fret over it!  I'll think about it tomorrow, Melanie!!!!!!  (gone with the wind reference)


just in case you dint know so youll know how cool i really am

don't you know who i AM?


really im not using.  

just feel good and more happier than usual

even though i might have no job afters tomorrow.  :(

but i prefer to remain on The Nile about that

then, when i was in the kitchen making rice--  ricet

wait, back up a minit

first before Beck came home i was tryin to be nice to Roberta and i was going out to 7-11 (yes i did go in my pajamas ... but they're really cute pajamas, those striped clingy pants i put a pitcher of them a long times ago) and i go,  ever so casually,

"Want some junk food?  I'm going to the store."

she goes "Junk food?"  like i just said "do you want some rat poison"

i said "yep!"

she go "no"

have it your way, CrankyPants

ok then when i comes home im makin rice as i sed bc i hadn't feel good and i needed some comfort food.  just so you know ive been religious about that veggie and chicken thing Every Day for like 5 months ... ok almost every day ... im so sick of it  (and btw Roberta began to lecture me today about why eating meat and chicken protein is bad for you bc your body only process something something and the rest is turned into fat or something IDK good LORD Roberta!  what CAN i eat according to you?  be nicet, Meegy.  ok)  but today i wanted rice.  it was really good too.  and i ate it with cut up CHICKEN in it!

so afters i ate Beck's fruit (i said fruit not FRUIT of the looms GAH mh behave yourselfs!)  Roberta say "hey Beck i can make you some dinner is you just going to eat apples for dinner?"  (he's even skinnier than she is belee it or not)

he said "maybe, it is and nope you dont have to cook but i appreciate the offer"

and i go

"hey if either of you want some Evil Carbs [yes i really sed this]  there's a lot of rice here help yourselves"

and they both go, almost shouting, almost in unison, "NO THANKS"



to Meegy


we're not worthy!

so ya and then Beck goes,

"Arent you going out tonight Roberta?  I thought you'd be getting ready to go by now"


she's going to see some awful noisy metal garbage can clanging punk band that i am WAY TOO UNCOOL to even have heard of

ok i need to take a lil break

maybe ill be bak not sure

i love you mh!

even if your nasty a lot of the time




Aug 17, 2016 - 4 comments

oops i forgot that top jimmy said to be positive and optimistic.


I bet the Recent Activity will resume soon!


ok no sike

i am happy to report that


right Keith?

oh.  oops

but she is mad (very angry, very very angry)  what's the combo to make a musical note, jbaby?


i mean, i realized today that when i say "fukk" alls the time, it sound like im angry

im not angry

i just like the word 'fukk'

well, maybe i am angry.  but not AS angry as i used to be.  right?

definitely not as angry at my mh exes

shut up Meegy!

ok.  if you put it that way.

but yeah i have spressed some of my anger
and at my Sati meeting last week the laydeez had these angry tips like:

1.  get all the tupperware in your kitchen, go into your bedroom and shut the door, and throw the fukk out of it against every um (hard) surface you can think of!

2.  don't be nasty, mh

3.  another idea was .... i can't remember  ... wait

4.  idk ... it makes me angry that i can't remember.  sike.  not sike.  1, 2 ,3 not it not it not it!



it wasn't about pillows

dirty pillows (pjh)

ok so lessee ... Roberta

YES its true i have nothing betters to talk about!  pobrecita

so ima try make it a lil story

OK so we all pitched in and got Tbams house cleaners to come today it is SO CHOICE it looks great.  my bathroom was getting really grody and i almost slipped and killed myself in the shower and had to have like, all my hips replaced--



ok not true.  but don't you, i mean, when you wash your feet, don't you have to hold your foot in your hand so you can let the shower run on it?

Meegy really tmi




it's like shower yoga

i aint slipped!

ima get some a those little rubber stickers you put on the floor of the shower ... like flowers and stuff.  dope

where was I?

oh yes, Roberta

so, i come home to the house cleaners ... which is awesome ... and we bof thought they'd be done by 4 but nope (they come at 1) so we hung out in our respective rooms ....

i was like ' I am just going to AST Roberta if she angry or upset!'  dammit!

so i was alls set to ax her after the cleaning ppl left, and she came loping into the kitchen ... ok she dont lope bc she weigh like 3 pounds and she is the Most Fit 46 yo On the Planet.  seriously.   she is like, leaning to one side and wrestling with this thing that looks like one of those bullet proof vests?  ya.  but its not.  its a neck brace.

I was just about to tell her she was a pain in the neck.


not really funi Meegy



so she is struggling (i dint offer to helps bc she Dont Takes Help!) (she say she aint a addik but i beg to differ( (::beggging::)  puh leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez 16!

um  just foolin around

i aint even had to ast.  She just start biching.

"oh my neck blah blah blah blah blah chiropractor today its worse than its ever ben in my life i took so many opiate pills back in the day that i was at prekidney failure [see?????  addik]  wanna see my x rays?"

Not particularly Roberta.

"Look!  i have a 89 degree pull to the wrong side " or something and there another problem too

fukkin prollem


so i was sympathetic outwardly and inwardly i was just scoffing and making fun of her.

i know. its ok ill do a living amens.  later

so ya

she went to the Obama doctor where she had to wait a millin years (sound familiar?  and who cared when Meegy came back dehydrated starved and with waitingatthedoctorstoolong syndrome?  that's right!  NObody)  and then the dr whipped in and out so fast she sprained her neck again trying to keep sight of her


really mean, Meegy.

sorry.  she dint sprain her neck, i made that up ok????  jeez

she is like 'my neck is the worst its ever been wanna see my Xrays?"  (yes she said that ALL again!  ok she didn't)  "my whole arm is numb and i can't feel my face"  (she dint say the last thing either but its a weekend song and i like it and drake stole it and--_

no im not using.  im just cited.  excited that is.

idk why.  jist inna good moodski


i have JUNK FOOD



so turns out this HOLE time the pass 2 day Roberta in a snit ok WAY more than a snit so she kick the poor dog (ima call CPS on her)  and keep telling the doges "get OUT of the fukking kitchen!"

pretty soon ima kick *Roberta* and tell HER to get out the daim kitchen!

someone's in the kitchen with Meegy

(musical note)

and it ain 16!


on the kitchen counter, baby

16, that is NOT Roberta GOD NO

but um  ya

itll never happen


ok ima post this and maybe rite more

sorry if i was nasty




goodbye mrchips

Aug 13, 2016 - 3 comments

im feeling pretty very.  i had a good day.  i just have been feeling a little sad tonight.  i really miss the ac, or the person i thought he was, and it hurts that he never calls or texts.  but ya

you're divorced, Meegy.

I know.

today i slept til about 945 am that was good.  when i got up i felt icky, everything physical was bothering me (ie allergies, ears ringing, sinus stuff, etc) but i did manage to ignore it pretty much.  i talked to Tbam on the fone (a big deal for me), ate breakfast, then went to my meeting, which was kind of wack ill tell you later.  but it helped me get going to go out.

when i got home i worked out.  i did over 35 burpees ... maybe close to 50, i did 45 mins of cardio, and 24 push ups, 24 crunches.  it felt good. the cardio and burpees were the hardest.

then i had some food, made sun tea, showered ... and i worked.  i wrote down some writing goals, which i have been meaning to do for ages, and i wrote for an hour, it went quite well.

i feel that i am getting back to the things that used to be important to me before my marriage.  but its not easy.

i really miss having someone hold me and all of that.  when i got sad this evening i just felt so lonely, even though P.Glory was with me.  i put on a movie on mute with my music tonight, that's how lonely i felt.  i havent done that in a long time.

when i miss having someone, i think well maybe i should join Match again or something.  but ppl all say that you should wait, you know, first year blah blah blah.  and this chick ... Amber that i have known forever, whom i like a lot, she said that i would meet someone good when i was emotionally ready and had worked on myself.  all that hunky dory that everyone sez ... but ... i mean idk.  but from her it meant more than just anyone i guess.

i have two job apps out and one of them is calling references, but thats just a standard thing they do online i think, its like protocol, it dont mean anything bc they havent contacted me.

and i havent read the ads tonight yet.

Najeet told me that i should think about something i would actually _like_ doing so that i dont quit the job in like one day.  but the things that interest me:  writing, teaching writing / composition / creative writing, linguistics, phonology, sound and the symbols of different languages, and juvenile delinquents don't really call up a job title ....

and to tell you the truth i am sick of being poor.  im sorry.  but i really am.  i mean first i just need to get out of the hole and stop living on overdraft.  but i miss buying clothes and shoes.  im not trying to be a ingrate or an azzhole but all my clothes are so old they are starting to rip and wear out, and all my shoes are so trodden down that my feet always hurt, particularly my workout shoes.

my allergies and itching are still bad.  my scalp, my calves and sometimes under my eyes it itches so much.  that kind of itching is usually the almond / peanut thing, but i have cut that out of my diet completely.  i think maybe its something else too im not sure.  but the eyelid itch thing is most generally a food allergy bc thats part of what happens when i eat almonds or peanuts or any kind of those.

or it could be detergent, shampoo ... ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

thats ok.  im basically healthy and i am grateful and thankful for that.  I thank God for that often.  i try to appreciate my life.  

there is a street near by me with Milla's full name.  i known i mentioned this street before .... this is the same street but more north in the valley, and every time i pass by it i think of her, how brave she was, and how much i miss her.

today i put up most of my pictures and posters and my room looks really dope.  its a cute little room.  i like it.  it just feels weird still being in a new place, living with other ppl, and just idk getting used to the space and the fact of living in Tbams house when i used to come over a lot.  

i took some benedryl but my eyes really itch.  ick.

and my scalp.

ok i have to stop complaining.

i drank some of this horrible garlic and vinegar and other stuff drink that Roberta makes.  it is posed to boost your immune system.  i am starting to like it but it must make my breath deplorable.  see its good i dont have a guy in my life doh

Clive is driving me crazy.  i think guys are just so clueless.  i don't get it.  its so freaking EZ!  ask me to coffee or dinner.  whats the big freakin deal?  this guy was like waiting so long between texts and then he CALLS me 3x from CHICAGO?  what fukk?????  he keeps sending me texts now every day like 'i miss you lil lovely Meegan ill be back in sept see you then" and its like really?


so.  here's what happened:

there is this lady i described her to you before but i forget what i called her.  ill call her Ms. Black this j.  anyway she has like 42 years clean (truly not a joke) and she is this very thin, severe looking woman, with a permanent scowl etched on her face and she always wears a dress and nice shoes and she hates it when ppl swear which is a lot.

so ... i think she has some really good spit to share.  plus Mel has taught me to be respectful of ppl in 12 step and the program in general so i always try to show everyone respect esp ppl with time.   so the last few x i have seen her she always shares about how selfish everyone is.  and today was no exception.

it was like ... the second day in a row that i went to a really Questionable meeting.  it was real bad.  almost every person gave a drunkologue AND a drug log, relating every drug they did in graphic detail and every brand of liquor under the sun.  it was real weird.  not to cool.  and i did not get much out of it or hear much recovery.  i did hear one thing:  that when this one guy prays to god in the morning he prays for god to lift the obsession to use ... not to help him stay clean like i do.  and i thought oh.  thats a more specific thing to ask thats what i want.  but in truth i am shying away from that bc i am afraid of it.  i don't honestly want to have the desire removed.  i am working on it.  im sorry.

im im just being honest  (outkast)

ok.  so i was really having a tough time in the meeting.  esp this one old guy who shared that he had been drinking for 52 years and he went ON and ON and none of it was recovery ... i did try to be respectful i did not get up (well i did once to get coffee, i always do that if it looks like its going to be a long meeting.  but i just tried to keep a straight face and listen even though other ppl talked or made comments or whatnot or smiled or smirked or whatever.

but at the end, the very end of the meeting, Ms. Black was called on to speak.  she said some good stuff but one thing just overshadowed the good stuff she said.  i mean maybe you will think that thing is good too idk

3 people had id'd as new and she welcomed them.  i think 4 ppl had taken chips:  one for 30 days, me and another chick for 60 days, and someone for six months.  

Ms Black started railing about how in 1975 when she came in no one took chips and how selfish and self-aggrandizing it was (that wasn't her word) and she just yelled about that for a few minutes and stepped down.

medhelp i felt SO bad.  esp bc she singled out the 60 day ppl and said "i don't get it guys i don't get WHY we take chips.  people taking chips for 60 days I just dont understand!"  etc

and i felt like Wow.  i have always gone out of my way to respect this woman and she STILL found something to dis or criticize about me.  i just felt so bads.

at the time i just laughed driving home but tbh it has been bothering me alls day.

i mean honestly i used to feel that way and i hated taking chips and i hated having the attention focused on me or ppl looking at me.  but Mel has always taught me that it shows other ppl, new ppl, that they can do it;  it gives us humility, esp if we have come back over and over (ahem); and that it is a important part of the program and if you DONT do it you are shirking responsibility

i called Mel to check in but i dint talk about that and i know she is at work today is her Monday bc she works weekends for a couple months.

then laters i called Josie but she dint pick up

and i really wanted to call someone but Tbam was busy and alls the ppl on the lists i looked at i did not want to call.

but ya.

so thats that.

stupid Ms Black. i mean.  idk what to think.  she was right in a way but i still feel bad and criticized.

but the best part of the day by far is that i am working (writing [fiction]) and that i did goals how Lulu was always telling me to.  i have more goals to write but i got the basics of my writing ambitions down.  and thats a big deal.

Roberta shaved Glory bc she had stickers all over her fur from hiking and she looks incredibly cute.  i was going to post a pic but im not sure you can tell in the pix

its after ten.  i have done some reading and i am really digging getting back into reading, books, poetry even and everything that feeds my writing, but i did not do every project i am working on and i wish i could but im kind of tired.  i have the little writing proj (index cards) and i have a visual map of my aspirations and ideal mate that i am in the midst of making.

i miss Najeet and i am sad that she is gone.

i am still trying to wean off sugar and that is hard.  ive done a good job but i still am trying to find things that i can eat that dont have peanuts and stuff and dont have a lot of sugar etc it is really hard

but life is good.  i am healthy, i have my writing reading music workouts medhelp friends a new therapist my meetings and sunday is a really good meeting at 11 am there is no way that one will be bad.

ok gonna bounce

i love you mh!  tysm for alls the comments!