Aug 13, 2016
im feeling pretty very. i had a good day. i just have been feeling a little sad tonight. i really miss the ac, or the person i thought he was, and it hurts that he never calls or texts. but ya
you're divorced, Meegy.
today i slept til about 945 am that was good. when i got up i felt icky, everything physical was bothering me (ie allergies, ears ringing, sinus stuff, etc) but i did manage to ignore it pretty much. i talked to Tbam on the fone (a big deal for me), ate breakfast, then went to my meeting, which was kind of wack ill tell you later. but it helped me get going to go out.
when i got home i worked out. i did over 35 burpees ... maybe close to 50, i did 45 mins of cardio, and 24 push ups, 24 crunches. it felt good. the cardio and burpees were the hardest.
then i had some food, made sun tea, showered ... and i worked. i wrote down some writing goals, which i have been meaning to do for ages, and i wrote for an hour, it went quite well.
i feel that i am getting back to the things that used to be important to me before my marriage. but its not easy.
i really miss having someone hold me and all of that. when i got sad this evening i just felt so lonely, even though P.Glory was with me. i put on a movie on mute with my music tonight, that's how lonely i felt. i havent done that in a long time.
when i miss having someone, i think well maybe i should join Match again or something. but ppl all say that you should wait, you know, first year blah blah blah. and this chick ... Amber that i have known forever, whom i like a lot, she said that i would meet someone good when i was emotionally ready and had worked on myself. all that hunky dory that everyone sez ... but ... i mean idk. but from her it meant more than just anyone i guess.
i have two job apps out and one of them is calling references, but thats just a standard thing they do online i think, its like protocol, it dont mean anything bc they havent contacted me.
and i havent read the ads tonight yet.
Najeet told me that i should think about something i would actually _like_ doing so that i dont quit the job in like one day. but the things that interest me: writing, teaching writing / composition / creative writing, linguistics, phonology, sound and the symbols of different languages, and juvenile delinquents don't really call up a job title ....
and to tell you the truth i am sick of being poor. im sorry. but i really am. i mean first i just need to get out of the hole and stop living on overdraft. but i miss buying clothes and shoes. im not trying to be a ingrate or an azzhole but all my clothes are so old they are starting to rip and wear out, and all my shoes are so trodden down that my feet always hurt, particularly my workout shoes.
my allergies and itching are still bad. my scalp, my calves and sometimes under my eyes it itches so much. that kind of itching is usually the almond / peanut thing, but i have cut that out of my diet completely. i think maybe its something else too im not sure. but the eyelid itch thing is most generally a food allergy bc thats part of what happens when i eat almonds or peanuts or any kind of those.
or it could be detergent, shampoo ... ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!
thats ok. im basically healthy and i am grateful and thankful for that. I thank God for that often. i try to appreciate my life.
there is a street near by me with Milla's full name. i known i mentioned this street before .... this is the same street but more north in the valley, and every time i pass by it i think of her, how brave she was, and how much i miss her.
today i put up most of my pictures and posters and my room looks really dope. its a cute little room. i like it. it just feels weird still being in a new place, living with other ppl, and just idk getting used to the space and the fact of living in Tbams house when i used to come over a lot.
i took some benedryl but my eyes really itch. ick.
and my scalp.
ok i have to stop complaining.
i drank some of this horrible garlic and vinegar and other stuff drink that Roberta makes. it is posed to boost your immune system. i am starting to like it but it must make my breath deplorable. see its good i dont have a guy in my life doh
Clive is driving me crazy. i think guys are just so clueless. i don't get it. its so freaking EZ! ask me to coffee or dinner. whats the big freakin deal? this guy was like waiting so long between texts and then he CALLS me 3x from CHICAGO? what fukk????? he keeps sending me texts now every day like 'i miss you lil lovely Meegan ill be back in sept see you then" and its like really?
so. here's what happened:
there is this lady i described her to you before but i forget what i called her. ill call her Ms. Black this j. anyway she has like 42 years clean (truly not a joke) and she is this very thin, severe looking woman, with a permanent scowl etched on her face and she always wears a dress and nice shoes and she hates it when ppl swear which is a lot.
so ... i think she has some really good spit to share. plus Mel has taught me to be respectful of ppl in 12 step and the program in general so i always try to show everyone respect esp ppl with time. so the last few x i have seen her she always shares about how selfish everyone is. and today was no exception.
it was like ... the second day in a row that i went to a really Questionable meeting. it was real bad. almost every person gave a drunkologue AND a drug log, relating every drug they did in graphic detail and every brand of liquor under the sun. it was real weird. not to cool. and i did not get much out of it or hear much recovery. i did hear one thing: that when this one guy prays to god in the morning he prays for god to lift the obsession to use ... not to help him stay clean like i do. and i thought oh. thats a more specific thing to ask thats what i want. but in truth i am shying away from that bc i am afraid of it. i don't honestly want to have the desire removed. i am working on it. im sorry.
im im just being honest (outkast)
ok. so i was really having a tough time in the meeting. esp this one old guy who shared that he had been drinking for 52 years and he went ON and ON and none of it was recovery ... i did try to be respectful i did not get up (well i did once to get coffee, i always do that if it looks like its going to be a long meeting. but i just tried to keep a straight face and listen even though other ppl talked or made comments or whatnot or smiled or smirked or whatever.
but at the end, the very end of the meeting, Ms. Black was called on to speak. she said some good stuff but one thing just overshadowed the good stuff she said. i mean maybe you will think that thing is good too idk
3 people had id'd as new and she welcomed them. i think 4 ppl had taken chips: one for 30 days, me and another chick for 60 days, and someone for six months.
Ms Black started railing about how in 1975 when she came in no one took chips and how selfish and self-aggrandizing it was (that wasn't her word) and she just yelled about that for a few minutes and stepped down.
medhelp i felt SO bad. esp bc she singled out the 60 day ppl and said "i don't get it guys i don't get WHY we take chips. people taking chips for 60 days I just dont understand!" etc
and i felt like Wow. i have always gone out of my way to respect this woman and she STILL found something to dis or criticize about me. i just felt so bads.
at the time i just laughed driving home but tbh it has been bothering me alls day.
i mean honestly i used to feel that way and i hated taking chips and i hated having the attention focused on me or ppl looking at me. but Mel has always taught me that it shows other ppl, new ppl, that they can do it; it gives us humility, esp if we have come back over and over (ahem); and that it is a important part of the program and if you DONT do it you are shirking responsibility
i called Mel to check in but i dint talk about that and i know she is at work today is her Monday bc she works weekends for a couple months.
then laters i called Josie but she dint pick up
and i really wanted to call someone but Tbam was busy and alls the ppl on the lists i looked at i did not want to call.
so thats that.
stupid Ms Black. i mean. idk what to think. she was right in a way but i still feel bad and criticized.
but the best part of the day by far is that i am working (writing [fiction]) and that i did goals how Lulu was always telling me to. i have more goals to write but i got the basics of my writing ambitions down. and thats a big deal.
Roberta shaved Glory bc she had stickers all over her fur from hiking and she looks incredibly cute. i was going to post a pic but im not sure you can tell in the pix
its after ten. i have done some reading and i am really digging getting back into reading, books, poetry even and everything that feeds my writing, but i did not do every project i am working on and i wish i could but im kind of tired. i have the little writing proj (index cards) and i have a visual map of my aspirations and ideal mate that i am in the midst of making.
i miss Najeet and i am sad that she is gone.
i am still trying to wean off sugar and that is hard. ive done a good job but i still am trying to find things that i can eat that dont have peanuts and stuff and dont have a lot of sugar etc it is really hard
but life is good. i am healthy, i have my writing reading music workouts medhelp friends a new therapist my meetings and sunday is a really good meeting at 11 am there is no way that one will be bad.
ok gonna bounce
i love you mh! tysm for alls the comments!