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evil carbs

Aug 17, 2016 - 4 comments

omg i just saw the prettiest green sheer just past the knee length dress in the sidebar ... ::wishing i had money::

someday Meegykins.

so check this spit:

when tbam ax me if i want to rent a room in her houset i say ONLY if i can have the room with the connek bathroom.  Bc I pee like 500,000 x a day.  i know, overshare.  but you have to unnerstan.  MORE than anyone else on mh ok?  really

i am personally responsible for depletion of the water table in CA

but i like wood better anyways

TABLES!  gah mh don't be nasty!


and then Beck came home and i ate some of his fruit.

Omg im so sorry

well i did!

he said "want a apple slice?"  (slicet i should call it)

and i say ya

and you know those Environmental Hemp Eating Green Twins No Gluten Organic Market on the Brain (i said BRAIN not brains!  jeez mh!  keep your mind out of the gutter!) (hype)(sike)  HA HA


not like Food For Less bottom of the barrel (literally) old looking sorry looking fruit all bruised up and NOT from role play!

um.  hi




its so sad   ::sniffle::

but I shan't fret over it!  I'll think about it tomorrow, Melanie!!!!!!  (gone with the wind reference)


just in case you dint know so youll know how cool i really am

don't you know who i AM?


really im not using.  

just feel good and more happier than usual

even though i might have no job afters tomorrow.  :(

but i prefer to remain on The Nile about that

then, when i was in the kitchen making rice--  ricet

wait, back up a minit

first before Beck came home i was tryin to be nice to Roberta and i was going out to 7-11 (yes i did go in my pajamas ... but they're really cute pajamas, those striped clingy pants i put a pitcher of them a long times ago) and i go,  ever so casually,

"Want some junk food?  I'm going to the store."

she goes "Junk food?"  like i just said "do you want some rat poison"

i said "yep!"

she go "no"

have it your way, CrankyPants

ok then when i comes home im makin rice as i sed bc i hadn't feel good and i needed some comfort food.  just so you know ive been religious about that veggie and chicken thing Every Day for like 5 months ... ok almost every day ... im so sick of it  (and btw Roberta began to lecture me today about why eating meat and chicken protein is bad for you bc your body only process something something and the rest is turned into fat or something IDK good LORD Roberta!  what CAN i eat according to you?  be nicet, Meegy.  ok)  but today i wanted rice.  it was really good too.  and i ate it with cut up CHICKEN in it!

so afters i ate Beck's fruit (i said fruit not FRUIT of the looms GAH mh behave yourselfs!)  Roberta say "hey Beck i can make you some dinner is you just going to eat apples for dinner?"  (he's even skinnier than she is belee it or not)

he said "maybe, it is and nope you dont have to cook but i appreciate the offer"

and i go

"hey if either of you want some Evil Carbs [yes i really sed this]  there's a lot of rice here help yourselves"

and they both go, almost shouting, almost in unison, "NO THANKS"



to Meegy


we're not worthy!

so ya and then Beck goes,

"Arent you going out tonight Roberta?  I thought you'd be getting ready to go by now"


she's going to see some awful noisy metal garbage can clanging punk band that i am WAY TOO UNCOOL to even have heard of

ok i need to take a lil break

maybe ill be bak not sure

i love you mh!

even if your nasty a lot of the time




Aug 17, 2016 - 4 comments

oops i forgot that top jimmy said to be positive and optimistic.


I bet the Recent Activity will resume soon!


ok no sike

i am happy to report that


right Keith?

oh.  oops

but she is mad (very angry, very very angry)  what's the combo to make a musical note, jbaby?


i mean, i realized today that when i say "fukk" alls the time, it sound like im angry

im not angry

i just like the word 'fukk'

well, maybe i am angry.  but not AS angry as i used to be.  right?

definitely not as angry at my mh exes

shut up Meegy!

ok.  if you put it that way.

but yeah i have spressed some of my anger
and at my Sati meeting last week the laydeez had these angry tips like:

1.  get all the tupperware in your kitchen, go into your bedroom and shut the door, and throw the fukk out of it against every um (hard) surface you can think of!

2.  don't be nasty, mh

3.  another idea was .... i can't remember  ... wait

4.  idk ... it makes me angry that i can't remember.  sike.  not sike.  1, 2 ,3 not it not it not it!



it wasn't about pillows

dirty pillows (pjh)

ok so lessee ... Roberta

YES its true i have nothing betters to talk about!  pobrecita

so ima try make it a lil story

OK so we all pitched in and got Tbams house cleaners to come today it is SO CHOICE it looks great.  my bathroom was getting really grody and i almost slipped and killed myself in the shower and had to have like, all my hips replaced--



ok not true.  but don't you, i mean, when you wash your feet, don't you have to hold your foot in your hand so you can let the shower run on it?

Meegy really tmi




it's like shower yoga

i aint slipped!

ima get some a those little rubber stickers you put on the floor of the shower ... like flowers and stuff.  dope

where was I?

oh yes, Roberta

so, i come home to the house cleaners ... which is awesome ... and we bof thought they'd be done by 4 but nope (they come at 1) so we hung out in our respective rooms ....

i was like ' I am just going to AST Roberta if she angry or upset!'  dammit!

so i was alls set to ax her after the cleaning ppl left, and she came loping into the kitchen ... ok she dont lope bc she weigh like 3 pounds and she is the Most Fit 46 yo On the Planet.  seriously.   she is like, leaning to one side and wrestling with this thing that looks like one of those bullet proof vests?  ya.  but its not.  its a neck brace.

I was just about to tell her she was a pain in the neck.


not really funi Meegy



so she is struggling (i dint offer to helps bc she Dont Takes Help!) (she say she aint a addik but i beg to differ( (::beggging::)  puh leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez 16!

um  just foolin around

i aint even had to ast.  She just start biching.

"oh my neck blah blah blah blah blah chiropractor today its worse than its ever ben in my life i took so many opiate pills back in the day that i was at prekidney failure [see?????  addik]  wanna see my x rays?"

Not particularly Roberta.

"Look!  i have a 89 degree pull to the wrong side " or something and there another problem too

fukkin prollem


so i was sympathetic outwardly and inwardly i was just scoffing and making fun of her.

i know. its ok ill do a living amens.  later

so ya

she went to the Obama doctor where she had to wait a millin years (sound familiar?  and who cared when Meegy came back dehydrated starved and with waitingatthedoctorstoolong syndrome?  that's right!  NObody)  and then the dr whipped in and out so fast she sprained her neck again trying to keep sight of her


really mean, Meegy.

sorry.  she dint sprain her neck, i made that up ok????  jeez

she is like 'my neck is the worst its ever been wanna see my Xrays?"  (yes she said that ALL again!  ok she didn't)  "my whole arm is numb and i can't feel my face"  (she dint say the last thing either but its a weekend song and i like it and drake stole it and--_

no im not using.  im just cited.  excited that is.

idk why.  jist inna good moodski


i have JUNK FOOD



so turns out this HOLE time the pass 2 day Roberta in a snit ok WAY more than a snit so she kick the poor dog (ima call CPS on her)  and keep telling the doges "get OUT of the fukking kitchen!"

pretty soon ima kick *Roberta* and tell HER to get out the daim kitchen!

someone's in the kitchen with Meegy

(musical note)

and it ain 16!


on the kitchen counter, baby

16, that is NOT Roberta GOD NO

but um  ya

itll never happen


ok ima post this and maybe rite more

sorry if i was nasty




goodbye mrchips

Aug 13, 2016 - 3 comments

im feeling pretty very.  i had a good day.  i just have been feeling a little sad tonight.  i really miss the ac, or the person i thought he was, and it hurts that he never calls or texts.  but ya

you're divorced, Meegy.

I know.

today i slept til about 945 am that was good.  when i got up i felt icky, everything physical was bothering me (ie allergies, ears ringing, sinus stuff, etc) but i did manage to ignore it pretty much.  i talked to Tbam on the fone (a big deal for me), ate breakfast, then went to my meeting, which was kind of wack ill tell you later.  but it helped me get going to go out.

when i got home i worked out.  i did over 35 burpees ... maybe close to 50, i did 45 mins of cardio, and 24 push ups, 24 crunches.  it felt good. the cardio and burpees were the hardest.

then i had some food, made sun tea, showered ... and i worked.  i wrote down some writing goals, which i have been meaning to do for ages, and i wrote for an hour, it went quite well.

i feel that i am getting back to the things that used to be important to me before my marriage.  but its not easy.

i really miss having someone hold me and all of that.  when i got sad this evening i just felt so lonely, even though P.Glory was with me.  i put on a movie on mute with my music tonight, that's how lonely i felt.  i havent done that in a long time.

when i miss having someone, i think well maybe i should join Match again or something.  but ppl all say that you should wait, you know, first year blah blah blah.  and this chick ... Amber that i have known forever, whom i like a lot, she said that i would meet someone good when i was emotionally ready and had worked on myself.  all that hunky dory that everyone sez ... but ... i mean idk.  but from her it meant more than just anyone i guess.

i have two job apps out and one of them is calling references, but thats just a standard thing they do online i think, its like protocol, it dont mean anything bc they havent contacted me.

and i havent read the ads tonight yet.

Najeet told me that i should think about something i would actually _like_ doing so that i dont quit the job in like one day.  but the things that interest me:  writing, teaching writing / composition / creative writing, linguistics, phonology, sound and the symbols of different languages, and juvenile delinquents don't really call up a job title ....

and to tell you the truth i am sick of being poor.  im sorry.  but i really am.  i mean first i just need to get out of the hole and stop living on overdraft.  but i miss buying clothes and shoes.  im not trying to be a ingrate or an azzhole but all my clothes are so old they are starting to rip and wear out, and all my shoes are so trodden down that my feet always hurt, particularly my workout shoes.

my allergies and itching are still bad.  my scalp, my calves and sometimes under my eyes it itches so much.  that kind of itching is usually the almond / peanut thing, but i have cut that out of my diet completely.  i think maybe its something else too im not sure.  but the eyelid itch thing is most generally a food allergy bc thats part of what happens when i eat almonds or peanuts or any kind of those.

or it could be detergent, shampoo ... ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

thats ok.  im basically healthy and i am grateful and thankful for that.  I thank God for that often.  i try to appreciate my life.  

there is a street near by me with Milla's full name.  i known i mentioned this street before .... this is the same street but more north in the valley, and every time i pass by it i think of her, how brave she was, and how much i miss her.

today i put up most of my pictures and posters and my room looks really dope.  its a cute little room.  i like it.  it just feels weird still being in a new place, living with other ppl, and just idk getting used to the space and the fact of living in Tbams house when i used to come over a lot.  

i took some benedryl but my eyes really itch.  ick.

and my scalp.

ok i have to stop complaining.

i drank some of this horrible garlic and vinegar and other stuff drink that Roberta makes.  it is posed to boost your immune system.  i am starting to like it but it must make my breath deplorable.  see its good i dont have a guy in my life doh

Clive is driving me crazy.  i think guys are just so clueless.  i don't get it.  its so freaking EZ!  ask me to coffee or dinner.  whats the big freakin deal?  this guy was like waiting so long between texts and then he CALLS me 3x from CHICAGO?  what fukk?????  he keeps sending me texts now every day like 'i miss you lil lovely Meegan ill be back in sept see you then" and its like really?


so.  here's what happened:

there is this lady i described her to you before but i forget what i called her.  ill call her Ms. Black this j.  anyway she has like 42 years clean (truly not a joke) and she is this very thin, severe looking woman, with a permanent scowl etched on her face and she always wears a dress and nice shoes and she hates it when ppl swear which is a lot.

so ... i think she has some really good spit to share.  plus Mel has taught me to be respectful of ppl in 12 step and the program in general so i always try to show everyone respect esp ppl with time.   so the last few x i have seen her she always shares about how selfish everyone is.  and today was no exception.

it was like ... the second day in a row that i went to a really Questionable meeting.  it was real bad.  almost every person gave a drunkologue AND a drug log, relating every drug they did in graphic detail and every brand of liquor under the sun.  it was real weird.  not to cool.  and i did not get much out of it or hear much recovery.  i did hear one thing:  that when this one guy prays to god in the morning he prays for god to lift the obsession to use ... not to help him stay clean like i do.  and i thought oh.  thats a more specific thing to ask thats what i want.  but in truth i am shying away from that bc i am afraid of it.  i don't honestly want to have the desire removed.  i am working on it.  im sorry.

im im just being honest  (outkast)

ok.  so i was really having a tough time in the meeting.  esp this one old guy who shared that he had been drinking for 52 years and he went ON and ON and none of it was recovery ... i did try to be respectful i did not get up (well i did once to get coffee, i always do that if it looks like its going to be a long meeting.  but i just tried to keep a straight face and listen even though other ppl talked or made comments or whatnot or smiled or smirked or whatever.

but at the end, the very end of the meeting, Ms. Black was called on to speak.  she said some good stuff but one thing just overshadowed the good stuff she said.  i mean maybe you will think that thing is good too idk

3 people had id'd as new and she welcomed them.  i think 4 ppl had taken chips:  one for 30 days, me and another chick for 60 days, and someone for six months.  

Ms Black started railing about how in 1975 when she came in no one took chips and how selfish and self-aggrandizing it was (that wasn't her word) and she just yelled about that for a few minutes and stepped down.

medhelp i felt SO bad.  esp bc she singled out the 60 day ppl and said "i don't get it guys i don't get WHY we take chips.  people taking chips for 60 days I just dont understand!"  etc

and i felt like Wow.  i have always gone out of my way to respect this woman and she STILL found something to dis or criticize about me.  i just felt so bads.

at the time i just laughed driving home but tbh it has been bothering me alls day.

i mean honestly i used to feel that way and i hated taking chips and i hated having the attention focused on me or ppl looking at me.  but Mel has always taught me that it shows other ppl, new ppl, that they can do it;  it gives us humility, esp if we have come back over and over (ahem); and that it is a important part of the program and if you DONT do it you are shirking responsibility

i called Mel to check in but i dint talk about that and i know she is at work today is her Monday bc she works weekends for a couple months.

then laters i called Josie but she dint pick up

and i really wanted to call someone but Tbam was busy and alls the ppl on the lists i looked at i did not want to call.

but ya.

so thats that.

stupid Ms Black. i mean.  idk what to think.  she was right in a way but i still feel bad and criticized.

but the best part of the day by far is that i am working (writing [fiction]) and that i did goals how Lulu was always telling me to.  i have more goals to write but i got the basics of my writing ambitions down.  and thats a big deal.

Roberta shaved Glory bc she had stickers all over her fur from hiking and she looks incredibly cute.  i was going to post a pic but im not sure you can tell in the pix

its after ten.  i have done some reading and i am really digging getting back into reading, books, poetry even and everything that feeds my writing, but i did not do every project i am working on and i wish i could but im kind of tired.  i have the little writing proj (index cards) and i have a visual map of my aspirations and ideal mate that i am in the midst of making.

i miss Najeet and i am sad that she is gone.

i am still trying to wean off sugar and that is hard.  ive done a good job but i still am trying to find things that i can eat that dont have peanuts and stuff and dont have a lot of sugar etc it is really hard

but life is good.  i am healthy, i have my writing reading music workouts medhelp friends a new therapist my meetings and sunday is a really good meeting at 11 am there is no way that one will be bad.

ok gonna bounce

i love you mh!  tysm for alls the comments!




Aug 11, 2016 - 7 comments

living with other ppl can be a trip.  its awesome that i seldom hear Beck, though he is home the least.  but the girls are talky and loud, its aite but sometimes it bugs me.  wait.  i need to make a cup of tea.

ok.  i still feel funky.  im super duper tired ... this is my second day in a row not working out.  my mouth or throat feel sore, and my ears hurt _again_!

oh well.  its still inordinately harder to be a Syrian or a lesbian.

idk this is a weird thing and i know its been hilee documented (no pun intended), but never do i seem to want to use MORE than on monthiversaires, and such  ... and today is NO DIFFY!  i have 60 days.  again.  again!

thats your buzz word today Meegy huh?



omg.  Pickles/Glory is licking my hand and trying to sit on my computer keyboard.  ok she just left.

everything involving my sinuses hurts.


this cleaning lady thing is dogging the fukk out of me.  NOW theres a note on the counter (though my mail could not stay there, and had to be put on my bathroom counter [?]  because everyone knows this house belongs to Beck and Roberta JEEZ man!) asking me "Meegan can you please call Janel and ask her to come Wed bc Monday interferes with Beck's day off."

i am like DUDE.


but i said ok ...  YOU know!  (power 106 voice)

Beck said he could call bc he speaks a little bit of Spanish but tbh the way they BOF talk about Mexican people bugs the hells out of me.  and Roberta .... pretty much anything she sez bug the fukk out of me.  im sorry.  trying to be more tolerant.  not working with her

i am actually lissning to 2 Legit 2 Quit AND i can do the hand motions.  how cool am I?

i put 10 pound weights at the end of my bed to keep it from rolling on the wood floor when i am trying to lean up against my bed and write.  it sort of works.  i know they have bed coasters but i have not been to Triple B or any like home store latee and im ded brokeski

i am changing R's name to Roberta bc its more different than her real name ....  and i think its fitting.  she seems like a Roberta.  not like Rosanna Arquette in DSS but still

Rosanna Arquette did not really seem like a Roberta to me ... i was always sort of miffed about that.  she's so cute!  and Roberta is not a cute name.  but just for that movie, she made it cute.  Rosanna!  (toto)

in this song they say "kick butt kick butt"  super funny!

ok so as I was saying ... what WAS i saying?  oh yeah how i want to use.

but i dont.  im over it.  i texted that to Mel (my sponsor, for those of you not in Tha Know) this morning.  i said "Ugh 60 days and i need my drugs"  and she said "no you don't need your drugs" and i said ok


I am responsible!  that's what i herd this laydee say at a AA meeting thother day and she is right.  She sed theres SO many ppl out there who want you to stay (sober) like your family, your friends ...  im like i dont' have no family that ker bout me but i got my MEDHELP family (scattered to the winds as they are), Najeet (yes it was our last session today rancid), and many 12 step friends, and Chula, and well a lots of others

and I am reponny to alls those ppls


i know  ... i do know that.

and the whole idea of 'service' i have found is not really selfless .. its selFISH!  and alls this time i was just like 'i already of service i ben a teacher and volunteered in every organization this side of the mason dixon line [yes rick] [aw hells and Keith while im at it]  YO SUP FELLAS!  

ok im ok

so i was like 'i aint beein of NO MORE service you 12 step ppl can eat my shorts!"  

but thens i realize welp when you get OUT yourself (dont you owes hear them saying this spit, like 'get out of your own head its a dangerous neighborhood to be in by yourself]  then you FEELS BETTERS

for so many yeers Chula and i ben talking bout how if you have a reeeeely hard teaching assignment (read: challenging and creative enough to keep you um, stimulated)(Ooh baby!)  then you have a vacay from yersel.  and we so seldom have a vacay from ourself and then i realize this the same thing 12 step is talking about

still im a arteest!  like ron.  get it ?  Ron Artest?  isn't that a bball player?  something like that   idk

wait is that metaworldpeace?  no.  whats his name agin?  omg I AM getting old i cant remember his real name.  jeez Meegy.  take some supplements for your brain.  

nothing wrong with my brains!

shut up Meegy!


bewareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee the puhlek j

today i went to a meeting that was ultra wack omg it was SO WACK

i go to the 3 o'clock (hey that would be a good name for a band) bc i get it over with ... its like part of my work day so i am done by 5 ...

and some of the AA 3 o clox are reals good ...

not this one.

so Mel told me "share what YOU want to hear"  

so i did.

first this guy ... ok its a hour meeting already ... and this guy shared for like TWENTY MINUTES not kidding and no one stopped him.

now im lissning to Funky Cool Medina.  no that is not a city in Saudi

where are you from?


wait is it funky cold medina?  i think its cold.  i forgot and now im too deef to hear it.  im too lazy to get up and turn up the volume

then some other guy preached at us and another guy who i think is cool but sort of had a loose wire today shared about how he loved weed (Im sure!  i know.  he always goes 'bud is no longer my king and neither is the bud i love so much)  i know.  DUDE!





y'all still the same, Meegy
baby babe youre still the same

the things that are helping me stay clean:

1.  going to a meeting every day (trying to do 90 in 90.  there is no try just do Meegy.  i know)stfu so far i done over 30 days of meetings

2.  having a bomb azz sponsor (Mel)

3.  read JFT every morning (or night)

4.  every morning i have to say "god pls help me stay clean today and help me be of service to my community and my work"  (i know aint that some jacked up spit?  hey but i am MISS willing i do everything Mel say to do)

5.  i have worked 2 steps and am working on the 3rd (for the first time EVER)

6.  therapy

7  at night i thank God for helping me stay clean

so ya.  and i call more ppl

i applied for a job at a charter skule.  they aredi ask Tbam for reference but thats just something they get out of the way first i aint herd from them or the jail school ... so ya

my class went well today.  my new student is our age, she from Brazil (NO i said that already she's NOT a boy!)   ... and she is so sweet.  omg i just love her to death

But the awful thing about today was it was my last session with Najeet.  she transitioned me to this new guy Christopher (we met today and i will start with him in two week bc he is out next week)  but we basically cried the whole time.  idk.  we both tried not to but we have become so closeski.  she gave me a rock.  i know it sounds weird but its really pretty and she said it can be my grounding rock (she has one, and this was hers, but she had more than one) and that it could remind me that i can do this and that (she claimed) i did 90% of our work in therapy myself.  Not even!  no one is Najeet.  it is pretty epic sad, but i have not felt it quite yet.  i mean, fully

im super happy to be home and off for the weekend.  im just wayyyyyyyyyyyyy overtired and my sinuses are just going nuts

this clown Clive has been texting me out of his mind from Chicago.  its like DUDE!  (dont say it) .... why did you not call me when you were HERE?
he is acting like we've been going out for years.  i don't even know him!  the only thing i find attractive about him at all is that he's been in prison.  well, maybe his cornrows.  ok, his baggy pants too.  other than that i do NOT!  also i don't think he knows how to read.  that is attractive too

i know!  im crazy.  but i love literacy work

anyways theres more but ima bounce for nows

i love you medhelp!



60 days!!!!!!