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ARGH!!!!!!!! All I have to say

Sep 15, 2011 - 5 comments

I HATE THIS  hate not being able to do anything anymore - We have a group of girls 4 of us who have birthdays two weeks apart and we always celebrate together - And that time is coming up and I CANNOT participate and I hate this - they are going to dinner and then a club - I can't even go to dinner since I cannot wear any shoes other than sneakers - cant go to clubs cause can't walk anywhere without help - and hate for those I am with to worry about crowds pushing me etc,  I just want to sit and cry and can't even do that since I am at work -  Just want to give up say the heck with it quit it all and move somewhere no one knows me and just be alone -  Have thought about it and if it wouldn't just crush my parents I would  and so very very very frustrated.  

one of those..........

Sep 09, 2011 - 2 comments

Need to vent - hate this so much feel like I keep banging my head on a wall. Called ins co to see where my approvals for mri's are - Dr never sent in for them - oh they apologized but come on now been three weeks!  Also want to persue other avenues mimics for ms  lymes in particular - try and kill two birds so to speak while waiting for the great insurance co to say i can have my tests.  Well found some great docs but they do not take ins - come on now seriously - who has 1200 for dr appt and tests - I certainly do not - I work 7 days a week just to make ends meet - not easy when you have to be on your feet for two of those days and yeah walking and balance not the best here!  Okay being sarcastic but  am so done -  Why I keep doing this is beyond me - Sometimes I just want to call my bank and say here are the keys - they I look at my Jack's face - puppy - and I get my answer as to why I do this - All for him. He is the reason i get up every day and go to work and work 7 days a week - he cannot fend for himself he depends solely on me -  With no kids he is my kid. I feel do bad I can no longer take him for walks - still take him to run every sat and sun before work and even that is harder but i do it for him - will take my cane or crutches up there won't stop till I can't walk anymore,  THat is the hardest not being able to do what i used to,.  Heck can't even walk the mall anymore  not that I can shop but still miss it,  At the rate I am going figure i got bout a year till I am in a wheelchair - and at that pioint I will have to look for assisted living as I am single.  Okay feeling sorry for myself right now - guess we all have a right to once in a while - will shake it off - just needed to write stuff down and vent.    ANYWAY...

Tired so very tired

Aug 24, 2011 - 0 comments

I think that it is time for me to write some of what I am feeling down.  Maybe it will help.  And while I am waiting for a dx perhaps it will help put things in perspective.  I truly am tired - but not so much phyisically maybe more mentally.  I am tired of always feeling bad and not knowing why -  tired of not being able to walk my dog or go to the mall without it being a major production.  Tired of it taking me 5 minutes to walk into the house.  I know that this is going to get worse not better and I am going to have to come to accept my limitations but it is hard.  I am so used to just going and doing and I can't anymore.  The worst part is the thought of not being able to be in my house and having to go somewhere so that people can help me.  I unfortunately am alone - no kids, my parents are retired and I should be the one taking care of them eventually not the other way around.  I do have a boyfriend but with me being able to do less and less that relationship is dying a slow and painful death.  He cannot understand why can't you just fix it - its your leg not your head!  Perhaps once I receive a dx this will change but that is doubtful..... Guess I just needed to "talk" to someone.  There really isn't anyone to listen to me so finding you all is the best thing that could have happened.   I seem to spend my entire day thinking about what is wrong with me.  It is all consuming as I have to arrange my entire day around my disabilities.  Yesterday during the earthquake I had to walk 4 flights of stairs twice and it just about wore me out.    Again just so tired of it all and this is just the beginning.  SIGH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>