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honest and putting it out there

Sep 10, 2011 - 2 comments










I am a 35 year old woman.  I have been through a lot in my life.  Not sure how I got through most of it.  My past does almost nothing but hurt me.  I believe my life experiences have effected my mental well being and I fight depression it's a constant battle for me.  I try to be as possitive as possible.  I often feel alone even though I have people around me and in my life.  I have a deep sence of being all alone and hurts so badly I do not understand why it doesnt change or go away it's always there this feeling of terrible heart ache loneliness and pain.  I fight it all the time.  I am married I have 2 childern 14 and 8 years old.  I shouldn't feel this way I am aware of that I often try to tell myself to snap out of it but I can't and don't.  

I get thoughts of how I would kill myself and have planned it out but I would not go throught with it because I am needed to much in this world by my childern.  I have had really bad days where I can take myself in my mind to the spot I have thought of doing it to end this pain in my heart but I can't there is no excape to it.  I have thought of going to the lake tieing concrete blocks to a short rope around my ankles tightly off the peir jumping in and getting pulled under the water where the water would enter my lungs and i would die sinking to the bottom.  I realise I will die one day and I just have to get throught till then.  I have created a painting in my mind of a counrtry side stopping to incline and a beatiful view of of mountains and sky and a figure of a human alone standing in the center this me and how I feel.  It is strange i know but I picture this all the time.  Tears are rolling as I type this.  I realise no one may ever read this or care but even typing this makes me realise these feels are so real to me.

I have thought about these things for many years now.  I wait to feel differently to change.  I guess I am waiting for someone to take my hand and love me and fill my soul with light because it's so dark in there I am so far away.  I feel sad.  I never talk about any of this to anyone because i would never want to burden anyone with my negativity.  It's all bottled up tight inside me.  Maybe this Journal thing can help me?  I am a terrible speller to bad it doesn't have spell check.