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Feeling real and trying to understand

Jul 28, 2014 - 7 comments

I have been clean from opiates for over 2 years.  For over 5 years I numbed myself with opiates and did not feel the pain and grief that I needed to feel to move forward..hopefully, to heal.  Then I started back on anti-depressants.  I have been on them about 2 years and made a connection between them and my continued restless leg syndrome that had started to take over my life.  

I stopped cold turkey....have done it before and had little withdrawal problems.  This time, there were no physical problems....BUT and that is the BIG BUT..the emotional ones are taking over my daily life.  

I know this is good, I know I need to deal with the grief of the loss of many things....but dealing with ALL of them at the same time is debilitating.  

1.  Learning how to deal with my husband who is bipolar, has some limited dementia and continues to drink at least once a week, if not more.  The anger I feel from this is so overwhelming.  It does no good to be angry WITH him as he does not understand and it just makes things worse.  Learning to deal with the loneliness that comes from the mental illness.  Knowing that I more his mother and keeper and not a wife.

2.  During the depths of my addiction..I learned I was adopted.  This at the age of 56 or so.  I dealt with the immediate feelings..somewhat..but never really let myself think too deeply about it.  Well, that has ended.  Lots of questions with no way to get answers.  Everyone that would or could answer them is dead.

3.  The deaths of many friends over the last 6 years.  People that were my age or even younger.  Two I was very close to and wish I could have spent more time with them before their deaths.  I miss them everyday.

4.  Our children are adults now and living their own lives.  I cherish that they are doing well and in committed relationships.  I am grieving that they are living their lives and we are no longer a big part of those lives.  

So here I sit with tears streaming and not really understanding how to get better.    I will get there, I hope..but it is so hard.