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red flag

Oct 08, 2011 - 2 comments

So. All these thoughts of suicide constantly consume my every waking moment it seems. I thought I was at the edge before. Then it seems like everything just crashed last night. Flip my life upside-down. I got a DUII. instead of jail they sent me to the hospital- something about  me being a threat to myself. Everyday lately I keep thinking ' just do it. Make the pain stop' after last night. I am now much more convinced that it is the right thing to do. How did my life become such a waste. Such a ******* mess. Nothing but fail

what am i doing?

Oct 07, 2011 - 3 comments

help me





I really don't know what I am doing. I mean I never imagined myself involved in a from online to communicate my deep feelings. I don't even know if I am doing this right. I have no clue how I ended up on this of my bored traded out lonely night browsing the internet hoping there is support for people like me. I feel crazy. Just some mentally ill stuffing addict trying to take it all one day at a time. Since I don't talk to people much I keep notebooks that I write pages in a day. I LOVE to write so if anyone on this site gets to know me you will find I can just spend forever writing. And I'm so lonely. I need something to help me stay clean. Get out of this depression and back to functioning in the real world. ****. I really don't know what I am doing. This is weird. Really weird.

one whole day

Oct 07, 2011 - 5 comments

I am about at an entire day clean. This is probably the millionith time I have tried. I just can never seem to get it. I always find myself back to day one with the struggles and withdrawl point. God, I just need to go home and get some sleep. I can't make it with the whole job thing. I need an upper to keep me awake. What scares me the most is I honestly do not know if I really am ready deel down inside to stay clean. I hope I aml. I want to be. But don't know how to do things different. especially when I work swing when all the town meetings are. Good news is, I am not craving bad right now.

what next

Oct 07, 2011 - 2 comments

I keep going back in forth in my head- am I ready to quit using. I want to and i do not want to, Yesterday not a good day, so there is some proof that even using i have really ****** days. I just neeed it to stay awake. I am sleeping my life away. Waking up around noon, working from 2-10. I am tired all the fricking time. I could sleep forever but maybe it is just the withdral. Even when I haven't used in awhile the constant need to sleep doesn't go away.