Apr 13, 2012
for years i knew something was wrong with me. ever since i met my husband and even more so after we had a child i started becoming more aware my mental health was not normal. in about march i really started looking into mental problems and trying to find things that matched me. i have become a social recluse. i enjoy leaving our small apartment but i hate being around people, even family and friends i should be the most comfortable with. i found out i have social anxiety disorder. i knew there was more wrong with me mentally, that is just the main reason i dropped out of school (i didnt know anything about anxiety or that i actually had a problem which caused me to always skip classes) and well its just been a huge problem in my life. i decided one day to research schizophrenia and lo and behold i came up with a self diagnosis of differentiated schizophrenia. thats when i started fearing for myself. i say to my husband all the time i feel i should be in a mental hospital. he knows i have mental issues but nothing so serious. im afraid to tell him of my findings. but im going to talk to him today. i dont mean it when i say stuff like that i am just so ashamed im so full of mental problems. i blame a lot on my parents you know how i was raised. there isnt anything i can do about that but im so screwed up now it pisses me off. im also starting to change and im getting more paranoid about things. maybe im developing paranoid schizo. i dont know but i have no way to pay for a psychiatrist or whatever it is i need so im stuck like this. just before i wrote this i figured out the missing piece to my puzzle of mental problems. borderline personality disorder. i was described perfectly in the symptoms. so now what would you say about me? here is what i know i have: major depression, food addiction, schizophrenia, borderline personality, social anxiety disorder. how does one person deal with all of this? im scared that it is going to get so severe my husband will leave me,(i k now he would never leave me even if i got so fat i was stuck in bed!) i will get my son taken away from me and people will actually be able to tell im psychotic. that will be the end of me for sure, people knowing about it. i wont make it to see my son get taken away. i dont know why im freaking out about this i know it a long shot but it scares me. but i feel like i know now. i dont feel llike i am questioning whats wrong with me anymore. i will post an entry on the symptoms i have of each and how they affect my life in more detail a bit later.