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I'm not afraid to say I'm scared...

Jun 06, 2009 - 4 comments

I'll admit it...I'm scared of something going wrong. Everytime I imagine a situation where it goes wrong, I get it out of my head as fast as possible.  But it's not easy.  We've tried so hard for this and to think that we are so close, but still so far from seeing our dream become a reality.

Last night was hard. DH is out of town and I was alone and as usual, I woke in the middle of the night and wasn't able to fall asleep.  Then the cramps started, cramps that were worse than anything I have felt, so far. More like AF cramps than the dull ones I've been feeling on and off. And oh, the pelvic bone pain was just horrible...I couldn't get comfortable! I was so worried that I was going to start bleeding. I went to the bathroom, several times, just to check.

Now, this morning, I feel stupid. Of course, there are going to be cramps and there's not one iota of spotting/tinge or anything. And my bbs are still hurting (but you should see what a wreck I become if they stop hurting as much...geez oh pete!!)

And here is the only place that I truly confess all my fears...I get tired of the people's comments in my life, so I keep it to myself.

I told the first person outside of the true inner circle, but still someone who has been on this journey with me (to some degree)....she cried so instantly that it took my breath away. She also brought me roses the next day (I'll explain my rose story in my next journal)....but I panicked after telling her. Like somehow, now that I've said it out loud, it won't really happen...I've jinxed it. I know. I know. Ridiculous. What will be will be and it's always in God's hands.

I wish I knew if what I was feeling in the morning was m/s. It would be a good feeling to know that I had that (someone, who meant well, said 'oh, I hope you get sick..it's such a good sign to be sick'....to which I immediately translated using 'Lisa-ese' and heard 'it's not a good sign if you're not sick'!!  But I'm not laying on the bathroom floor dying..it's more like I feel like I'm about to give a big speech, I can't eat, I'm a bit shaky and the smells of ANYTHING make me icky. But it goes away after an hour or two of moving about.

I've always said that I don't do 'subtlety' well...I want blazing hot and huge signs of what's to come; even though I know that I don't want to rush through this...I want to enjoy every minute of being pregnant! Every second of it...

I'm not complaining, please don't think that I am...I'm just scared.

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