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Crazy...Crazy for feeling this way...

Jul 09, 2009 - 6 comments

So, I wish that I had an u/s machine here. I want to see my baby everyday. I want to know that he/she is still dancing and happy and all is good!  I know, I know, I know that it is...but if I were alive when Jesus was, I'd be known as "Doubting Thomas". Not something that I am proud of, mind you, but something that I have just accepted as a part of who I am.

I like concrete evidence. I like to see with my own eyes.

I asked the doctor about the doppler and she strongly advised against it (which I knew she would) and DH is adamant that we aren't getting anything that is going to even POSSIBLY cause me stress. Heck, he didn't like that I started crying while watching "America's Got Talent" the other day....helllllloooo??? hormones???? I'm gonna cry at Charmin commercials!!

He thinks that me getting upset gets the baby upset.  Dorky, but sweet! Plus, I am being spoiled right now, which is a nice plus!

But I feel great today and of course, I was fine for awhile with it....getting things done. Eating. Basic enjoyments of life ;), but then I started wondering.....(always the first step in a long process of mistakes!)

What if the u/s caused a problem? What if I did something when trying to get comfortable last night? What if I stretched too far, too hard?

Stupid and crazy, I know. But at least, I know that I'm still me ;)

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I wish today was tomorrow

Jul 07, 2009 - 2 comments

I get so anxious thinking about tomorrow. I am trying so hard to imagine it all going wonderfully and seeing (maybe even hearing) the beautiful heartbeat...and then BAM! That fast, a thought of something bad happening enters my mind...almost before I even realize it's there.  I know that everything is probably fine and I'm going to be so relieved and probably even think that I am an idiot for being so nervous.

But I am nervous. I feel crampy and I start to wonder. I don't feel twinges and I start to wonder. I have a burst of energy and I start to wonder.

I bought some maternity clothes yesterday and I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack when I was finished. All I kept thinking about was the first time I bought some clothes and then lost the baby a few weeks later.

My neighbor just broke down on my porch and said that I am being distant and did she do something wrong and I couldn't even console her. I just got mad.  I'm tired of being the strong one to her neediness. Can't she see that I am being a bit selfish and needy right now? I have a lot on my plate and just don't feel like there's anything left of me to go around.

Then I pray that God won't punish me for being un-Christianlike. But where is the line in the sand for being a rug to someone?

I tried to tell her that sometimes the way she acts stresses me out.  It's just easier for me to stay away from everyone when I'm so moody/nauseauted/sensitive then to see people roll their eyes at me or say 'whatever' when I ask them to not smoke in my backyard or act like I'm being a prima-donna.  Don't I have a certain right to be a prima-donna when we've worked so hard for this? I don't have the privilege of taking it for granted or lightly! I know all the things that go wrong...that's what happens when you stay on a journey for too long. You learn all of the bad things that you would never have learned if it had been a smooth quick trip.

Sorry to ramble for so long, but I feel like this is the only place in my life that I can truly be myself and everyone truly understands my situation.  (Even my mother-in-law poked fun when I said that I was "9 weeks and 2 days"...of course, I'm counting every single second and day of this...don't I have that right?)

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I wish today was tomorrow

Jul 07, 2009 - 0 comments

I get so anxious thinking about tomorrow. I am trying so hard to imagine it all going wonderfully and seeing (maybe even hearing) the beautiful heartbeat...and then BAM! That fast, a thought of something bad happening enters my mind...almost before I even realize it's there.  I know that everything is probably fine and I'm going to be so relieved and probably even think that I am an idiot for being so nervous.

But I am nervous. I feel crampy and I start to wonder. I don't feel twinges and I start to wonder. I have a burst of energy and I start to wonder.

I bought some maternity clothes yesterday and I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack when I was finished. All I kept thinking about was the first time I bought some clothes and then lost the baby a few weeks later.

My neighbor just broke down on my porch and said that I am being distant and did she do something wrong and I couldn't even console her. I just got mad.  I'm tired of being the strong one to her neediness. Can't she see that I am being a bit selfish and needy right now? I have a lot on my plate and just don't feel like there's anything left of me to go around.

Then I pray that God won't punish me for being un-Christianlike. But where is the line in the sand for being a rug to someone?

I tried to tell her that sometimes the way she acts stresses me out.  It's just easier for me to stay away from everyone when I'm so moody/nauseauted/sensitive then to see people roll their eyes at me or say 'whatever' when I ask them to not smoke in my backyard or act like I'm being a prima-donna.  Don't I have a certain right to be a prima-donna when we've worked so hard for this? I don't have the privilege of taking it for granted or lightly! I know all the things that go wrong...that's what happens when you stay on a journey for too long. You learn all of the bad things that you would never have learned if it had been a smooth quick trip.

Sorry to ramble for so long, but I feel like this is the only place in my life that I can truly be myself and everyone truly understands my situation.  (Even my mother-in-law poked fun when I said that I was "9 weeks and 2 days"...of course, I'm counting every single second and day of this...don't I have that right?)

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Going on VACA today....

Jul 01, 2009 - 0 comments

So, I won't be posting for awhile, but I am feeling better about everything. I am reminding myself that even when the symptoms disappear, I have had them. SO, I'm still part of the statistically lower to miscarry by having some morning sickness :)

I'm really hoping that I'll be able to just rest, relax, and recuperate while on vaca.  See you all next week!

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