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Blubbering fool

Jan 06, 2013 - 3 comments

I'm not looking for a pity party, but I need somewhere to write this and get it off my chest. And Facebook is not the place!!
Found out today that husbands cousin is pregnant after 1 round of IVF. ONE round!  Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for them, but also very very very jealous. Yes, there I said it.  Jealous, envious, whatever you want to call it.

As I lay here in bed, alone, crying like a hormonal ovulating wreck, all I can think is how cruel Mother Nature is.
Our last IVF round in 2011 was a success, but the pregnancy wasn't. Lasted almost 7 weeks.
I was so excited in the beginning, that I actually dug out all the maternity clothes I had been saving/buying since I was 18 (hey, don't laugh!! I probably have more maternity clothes than your clothing store!).  I dug out all the baby goodies too -- . And yet, 15 months after losing the pregnancy, the maternity clothing still hangs in my spare closet. And the binkies and blankets and clothes are front and center in same closet. I don't have the heart to repack it all.

I think everyone we know has been successful with IVF, or RA.
And again, I cry and ask "Why not us?"

I made the comment tonight to dh, "how come it seems to work for everyone else?"
His response "it *****".
That's it!!.....

I've been hinting for over a year that I'd like to try again, to which he states "no. I can't. I'm done. I can't do this anymore.."  

So.  I dream. I dream of what should have been. What could have been. But, will never be. No one to call me mommy. No tooth fairies or easter bunnies or Santa presents. No one to have snowball fights with. No teenagers to fight with. No homework battles. No proms or homecomings. No weddings to give or attend as a parent. No grand kids.

Now that its written, I feel a little better.
Night all.
Love, Samantha.

still in a 'funk'

Oct 17, 2011 - 2 comments






I had surgery on September 30th. The Dr.'s thought my pregnancy was ectopic because of my beta not rising and doubling as it should and the pain I was having on my left side (I stated to the dr it was as if my ovaries hurt).
12dpo - 18
16dpo - 69
19dpo - 132
27dpo - 676
30dpo - 880
33dpo - 921

My Dr opted to take both tubes as they never served me any purpose other than to worsen my endometriosis.

Well the pregnancy wasn't ectopic after all - I had several cysts by my left tube. But the gestational sac had stopped growing at somewhere between 4-5 weeks--  about the same time I stopped taking the steroid of dexamethasone.
I just did some additional reading where women with the compound mutation of mthfr take a steroid until 12 weeks of pregnancy. The addition of the steroid helps fight any immune issue my body is having. Like trying to kill off the "little invader"...
I wonder if it would have worked had I not suddenly stopped the steroid???.....

This was suppose to be our "last try". We were prepared to accept another bfn. But with finally achieving a pregnancy after 10+ years, it has given us a glimmer of hope. Sort of like dangling a fishing pole with bait... We're hooked....

We are still in a battle with ourselves of wether we try again or not. If we decide to proceed I think it will be in February 2012. That seems so far off. But it gives hubby a good three months to "vamp up" the soldiers. He is starting some serious vitamins and acupuncture as well.

I only took two weeks off of work.... and am wondering if I came back too soon.... at work, but in a daze and funk. People try to make me smile and laugh, but it's hard... ......but I'm trying....

ectopic pregnancy 9/30/11

Sep 30, 2011 - 3 comments

we finally get pregnant, and it's wrong.... par for the course for us...

Emergency surgery today to remove baby (YES its a baby to me!!), and also to remove both fallopian tubes so this will not happen to us again if we choose to do another cycle of IVF...

IVF and endometriosis can sometimes = ectopic

that is why I opted for surgery.  Also, with removing the tubes, the endo is not quite as severe and has less chance of 'growing' back in the uterus.

more hell...

Sep 29, 2011 - 3 comments

12dpo: 18
16dpo: 69
19dpo: 132
27dpo: 676
30dpo: 880 :((
33dpo: 921 ;((

at 30dpo, we should be 6w1d.... had ultrasound done, and all they found was a tiny gestational sac measuring 3mm.....

I think we are out of this...

ultrasound tomorrow 9/30 to "make sure" and ease our minds...