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Looks Like It's Dead

Dec 27, 2015 - 2 comments

I'm just hoping the forums I used to go to on here before I quit going are only dead right now because of the holidays.  If not I guess I'm gonna have to go find something else to do with myself that might feel meaningful like join a cult or something.

Whoo hoo

Dec 25, 2015 - 0 comments

I actually actively think about suicide a lot and I'm not even able to be considered depressed.  I mainly do because I think I should've a long time ago with how my life keeps getting worse and worse overall.  It's probably because my self esteem is so bad.  I tried to kill myself while I was in Australia because my ex-wife and her family were trying to make me go against my basic beliefs and I wasn't even upset when I tried to do it.  Then when it was discovered I attempted it she told me if I ever tried anything like that again she was going to "dump [my] *** in hospital and abandon [me]" and the only thing I was thinking at the time was "well better get it right next time then".

I Realized My Self Esteem Is Actually Terrible

Dec 25, 2015 - 0 comments

Last night I was thinking and I guess my self esteem is actually still terrible unlike I thought because I'm not giving myself time to grieve for things like realizing my marriage is a failure no matter what I could've done since like everything else in my life that really hurt like that, everyone has always acted like it's a minor annoyance I should just get over immediately.

I'm Back Maybe

Dec 24, 2015 - 4 comments

I haven't been here since March of this year.  I'm surprised my top answerer scores still exist at all.  I woke up yesterday and my Facebook account was banned from writing publicly for 3 days because of a picture I had up for months that wasn't even really against guidelines at all if the person complaining actually knew anything and if Facebook didn't do this all in an automated system.  So I just told Facebook to delete my account since I'm getting in trouble for using it as I should.  I shouldn't have to unfairly censor myself in ways I shouldn't even have to in order to use it.  I'm kinda glad I have a reason to delete it anyway because I'm tired of how humanity as a species is too immature to have things like Facebook with how we all treat each other so badly on it because of that.  This is just another example of how I get treated like I'm a piece of garbage and can't realistically do anything about it except just stop caring like every other injustice in my life.  The only difference here is they probably did me a favor in actuality because I could barely stand the thing anyway.

Since I left, a good friend of mine of 15 years died and I finally realized soon after my marriage is a failure no matter what I could've done.  I was working nearly full time for 3 months to help support my useless spouse financially then I just up and quit because it sounded like my employer was going to fire me anyway some day and I got really poor mentally from the stress of everything since I am actually on disability through social security.  I was only working there with what was supposed to be a temporary basis to help support my ex-wife.  With the way things go I would've just lost my SSDI and then would've got fired so I guess I dodged the bullet on that one.  I wasn't even really told by anyone either outright I "needed to get better" at work until I put in my two week notice though looking back there were plenty of subtle hints in things people said.

In all I used up 6 out of the 9 months of my trial work period for some woman who thought signing out of Skype until further notice where we talked, since we live in different countries at the moment, was the solution to me complaining about her not being around to talk to me at all so I just blocked all forms of communication with her and I'm done.  I'm not even going to really get into the things she pulled on me the whole time we were together in real life and online to try to spare her her dignity and I'm tired of talking about it and just want to forget those things forever.  It makes me sad it came to this because I still love her but the path I was on to try to be with her with no guarantee was just suicide.