All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

Finally getting a lumbar puncture October 12, 2012

Sep 28, 2012 - 0 comments

lumbar puncture

Well it is now almost three years since my world was thrown into this scary unpredictable changing life. I must say this has been the hardest battle I have ever had to fight thus far in my 47 years! I have wanted the one test that has not been performed yet to be done for almost two years now and finally I am going to have it done. the dreaded lumbar puncture : /  I have to say though, now that it is going to be done I am a bit afraid. I guess the test itself is scary because I have this awful track record for having complications when they are very rare to have. I do not think that I am afraid of them telling me I do have MS because I hope to get the help I have needed for a while now. I think was terrifies me the most is what I learned during the review of my latest MRI this week. I sat with my neurologist and her nurse who took notes as the doctor showed me what is happening inside my head. There are several sections of the brain that have started to just die. It was only just a couple tiny little spots two years ago but now the damage is around the brain stem and throughout those little areas that help me to balance myself, see without double vision, and a few others I have at this point learned and adapted to the best that I can. The area that scares me the most is the one that is taking all of my memories, thoughts, concentration and just focus away.

Throughout this past few years I have been worried about what things might happen if it turns out that I do have MS. What other changes will I go through and of course while having those thoughts, I would always stop myself and say "hey, its ok because I can and will adapt no matter what"! I will fight until the bitter end and never give up! Well, after my doctor appointment on Tuesday of this week I have learned something new. This just may be the one fight that I cannot win.. not that I dont want to try but whatever is happening inside of my head is going to take away those few things that I have left that are so very precious to me. The days each of my four children were born and how I could always remember the weights and times of each individual baby.. and every perfect little detail about each one of them that stuck out to me the first time I saw them. Dear god, this is the hardest one yet!! I have many emotions just screaming through my body since I saw my MRI.. dear god please dont let me forget my babies and all of those special moments while they were all growing up!! Please I will do anything and endure whatever it takes to stop that from happening.. This is my worst nightmare and I just cant wake up!! I just want to wake up!!
I consider myself to be pretty tough and I have been tested many times over in the past few years but I am gona need some help with this one. I know more now then ever that ever single second of every minute of every day I spend with my children and now grandchildren is more precious to me then life itself!! I want to keep making more memories and filling in those spaces that are disappearing now. I will continue to fight for my family and for myself and never ever give up!!

Still adding dx's to my lists..

May 23, 2012 - 0 comments






Hello all, guess my newest diagnoses is early signs of dementia and I now take aricept (donepezil) to hopefully slow down whats happening. I was also recently diagnosed with polyneuropathy and osteoarthritis. man there are so many names its hard to keep up. My spirit is still good, although I spend my days confined to home for now on crutches for an injury that I sustained the day after mothers day. Just stood up from my couch to refill my coffee and cannot walk anymore. I am now headed to an ortho doc who will hopefully be able to help with my pain. I was approved for my disability in January so things have been looking up financially and medical insurance is guaranteed now. Some days are so hard I must say, but most of you already know how that is. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Guess I will always be in limbo land.. : (

just scared

Nov 01, 2011 - 2 comments

Well I finally did get health insurance through the state thank goodness and also am now considered disabled through the state of Ohio. I have not been granted actual ss disability as of yet still waiting to see what will happne there. I am very thankful that I finally have the medical it is the biggest thing for me." Its almost like hitting a lottery to me", "all the doctors I need to see"," who do I go to first"? Things are starting to look up for me to say the least. Today is just one of those days when I am just terrified about how I feel. My memory and concentration are quickly deteriorating and it is scaring me to death!! The scariest one to date for me is trying to keep track of my medications. There are so many now. I have a pill case that does a.m. and p.m. and you think that would help but unfortunately its not. This morning, once again, I went to take my meds and found the spot for Tuesday morning empty. This sets off a whole train of thoughts! Did I already take it and just dont rmemeber? when I just dumped out my last cup of coffee so theres no way I took it yet because I dont take my meds with my coffee.. so when did I take it? Did I double up yesterday morning? Did I take it last night by accident?? God I am losing my mind!! what is wrong with me? Is ist just the stress like I have been told many times or the depression that is causing me to do this? I know that when I tell my doctor about it he just says well you know.. you are under a lot of stress with all of your mulitple conditions and of course lets not forget the clinical depression you suffer from....... ok well how can we slow this down?? how can we help it??? am I just going to get up one day and not know who I am anymore?? or worse yet where I am?? I am affraid I am really messing up the way I take my medications so today with the help of my daughter I am going to start setting alarms to remind me when to take my medicines and what ones to take. Thi scares me too though  I cant trust myself to do this?? I have more times than I want to say in this past few months, done something and swore to someone that I dont remember, payed a bill and forgot that I did. Theought that doctor appointments were one day and they were either the day before or will be tomorrow. I want an MRI I want to see if anything has changed in my head. I am so confused much of the time and the rest of my time is spent trying to keep track of me. This almost sounds worse than it is but this is really happening to me!! again though, no one is really listening!! now I hear well, alll the meds, al the depression, all the stress!! come on really?? I see the psychiatrist in the morning lets see what he has to say.

My dx

Aug 15, 2011 - 0 comments

Well, I went to cleveland clinic today and I was told by the neurologist at the melon center that I do not have MS I am clinically depressed. I will be going to see one of their psychiatrists next. I really dont have much to say about this at all except that I am depressed now worse then ever!! I guess according to him, I have manifested all that has happened to me over the past two years and all I need is a psych evaluation.. as if the two mental hospitals I have been in this past year werent diagnoses enough. Well thanks to all of you for your support and help through this last year. I just dont know where to go from here I will do the appointments though and whatever they tell me to do next. I am happy that its not MS that is a relief. Take care everyone and all of my prayers go out to each and every one of you. God bless