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Lost this baby too

Jun 15, 2010 - 18 comments

Beta is back down to 1 already :( Just like the last one - quick.

But at least it isn't all drawn out like the first time I lost one. The beta never wanted to come all the way down, had an emergency D and C with that one - yikes!

Oh well. Going to take time off (probably a year). Get settled into my new job (I switched high schools - this one is  a mile down the road instead of 25 mins away!), get my soccer girls into conditioning so they are ready for the spring season, start the adoption process (since it take FOREVER!), and lose some more weight and get back in shape. I need a good year or more off of all of this roller coaster crapppp.

I love you ladies - thanks for being there the last 3 years. HUGS to all and SSBd to all you girls!!! :)


HCG less than 1?

Jun 14, 2010 - 2 comments

HOLY POO BATMAN! Faint line!

Jun 12, 2010 - 39 comments

I admit it - I am a POAS-a-holic. I freely admit it to anyone who can possibly listen. I am ok with it. I have an addiction to them. They are like speed or something to me! I will admit (not without horrible shame) that I have been POAS since 5dpiui. Bad huh? Sometimes TWICE a day! Sick huh? I want this so bad! AFter 5 years and two m/c, I think it is my time. Please God - let this be my time.

I got a faint line! 2 faint lines - 3 if you count the one from this morning. (Told you - I have a sickness!) I peed in a cup (as I always do) after holding my pee for a good 4 hrs or so. I hate FU - all the other tests I have gotten anything on, it was evening pee. Anyway, I peed in a cup and did a $ tree (which I always use until about 9-10dpo (I am 11dpIUI now) and saw a faint faint line in the allowed time frame (cuz Lord knows I will satre at the things for hours afterwards just praying to see SOMETHING!), so I took some of the same pee and did an answer test. LINE! Super faint, but pink. Hubby saw it but isn't getting too excited - weirdly enough, neither am I (too many things have gone wrong over the last 5 years). So, I got my line - though it is so faint, it isn't even funny! But it is pink and it is there BY GOD!

HOLY POO! Now - here is my dilemma: I finally talked my RE (who is pushing 100) to give me Lovenox. He said not until i get a + test can I start it (he believes the homozygous MTHFR I just found out I have has nothing to do with our loses ad believes the whole MTHFR is a crock of poo). I heard they hurt like heck and am in no RUSH to give them to myself (needles don't bother me but man I hate the liquid that hurts!) but I got a line! Hubby said he doesn't want me to use that stuff until we have a definate line. He isn't too happy with it because he knows there could be problems associated with the Lovenox (very few I have read). So, I wanna run in the bathroom and stick the Lovenox in there and hubby wants to wait...uhhhhhh, confused! So...what do I do? Anyone use Lovenox early on? Do you think it helped? I need some help here ladies!! :)

God, please, please, please, please let this one stick. I can't go through anymore losses.

Funny thing is: I had my now infamous "nervous breakdown" last night. I ALWAYS get it the day or so before I find out it worked (see, I can't even say I am pregnant - I just can't!). I was actually laughing in the shower last night after my episode. I have had one with every BFP and with my DD (who is almost 11). It is the one sign that I can count on!!! My nervous breakdown usually consists of crying, yelling, b*tching, crying some more and just being angry for about 20-30 mins. Then I am fine!! It comes outta nowhere...I think hubby suspected last night when I freaked a bit :) hahaha - sorry to ramble...My mind is going a mile a minute!

YIKES!!! :)

I HATE MY DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!!

Jun 04, 2010 - 10 comments

He is 150 years old. He has no bedside manner. He does not want to hear anything from you - AT ALL! The little *hithead said IN FRONT OF MY HUBBY (AS A WITNESS) at our last appt to discuss what we would be doing in the future in regards to treatment, that although he did agree or think the Lovenox would help with my homozygous MTHFR (because he thinks it is a crock of poo and doesn't actually EXIST!) he would give it to me. Discussed that I would need to be monitored etc and although he doesn't agree with it, it was relatively safe to give. WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, I call my nurse todayto ask her if she put in the script and she says (I SWEAR) "Oh, he didn't call you, did he?" WTF? Uh, no he didn't. So, I sit on hold for a sec and he comes on in his awful monotone old dude voice., "Well, uhm, well, I , uhm, well, uhm, I don't think the Lovenox is a good idea. I haev three articles on my desk stating it has NO effect at all on miscarriages. Blah, blah blah. " I FREAKING LOST IT! I was a sobbing crazy mess! I told him he should have told me this before I started this cycle! Then I said "If you told me it would help me get pregnant to CHOP MY LEG OFF, I WOULD!" He kept saying "I don't want to do anything dangerous"....uh, you told me a month ago this was relatively safe, so NOW it is suddenly CRAZY DANGEROUS! WTF? ARE YOU NUTS!? So, after losing my mind, him back pedaling and "uhm"-ing me to DEATH, he agreed to try it "this time". Great......whooptie flippin doo. So what now? He said he was going to call it in but I am still waiting for him to call back and change his mind again! I know he is going to do it - he is going to probably stop seeing me as a patient because I DARE QUESTION HIM! HOW DARE I?!!! So, after my horrendous breakdown of gigantic proportions (after I got off the phone, thank GOD - mind you, I was only slightly hysterical on the phone with him) I am now physically and mentally drained. I told DH, I can't do this to myself anymore. I just can't take the stress, the misery of losing babies, the misery of watching people we know get preggo (WHO SHOULD NOT!!!!) and the financial strain of it all. I just think I am done. I literally can not take it anymore. My sanity is in question anyway at this point. I just want to be happy and healthy and I am not any of that on these meds. I hate that evil little troll man. You don't screw with MEDICALLY HYPED UP HORMONAL WOMEN - does he have a deathwish? SERIOUSLY!?AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH