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So scared!!!!!!!

Nov 14, 2008 - 11 comments

Ok...im just gonna spill it. maybe i will feel better putting it all out there to so many that have helped me threw so many very tough times in my life. I am so scared! So scared! I have been in and out of the hospital, been poked at and had test after test done recently. I am going in for surgery next Friday. I thought i had a bad kidney infection and it turned out i have ovaries that are loaded with cysts. Ok i thought i can deal with that. Sure i hurt but its fixable. My doctor ran some more tests and a few days ago at my appointment she sat me down and said a test came back"high enough to raise concern" and that along with all my other syptoms shes very concerned. Concern...concern for what i thought?!?! Ovarian cancer...........omg i still am processing. Honestly after that i dont recall much else that she said. Well i ended up back in the hospital last night. The pain and other things were unbearable. I received some advice to make sure i ask for an OB oncologist and i was going to bring this up on monday at the doctors when i go in so we can  discuss my surgery. Didnt have to bring it up....my doctor this morning told me she consulted with one and she is going to be there during my surgery just in case. Was this suppose to make me feel better?!? It actually scares the he** out of me. I still cant believe cancer is being used with my name. I am happy and very trusting with my doctor. She really is great and shes being very cautious. I am just so scared. I cant handle much more as far as stress goes. I am being crushed here! UGgggggg.....thanks for letting me vent.

It's got to get better from here!! has to.....right???????????

Oct 30, 2008 - 3 comments

I cant keep my head above water anymore. For everything good that happens there are 2 bad things that come right at me!!! I dont know which way is up and which way is down!! Sometimes i think when im happy its just me fooling myself...cuz it never lasts! Addiction sux....ex's sux......and sometimes life in general just sux!!! I have a bottle of pills!!!!! I was weak last week when i went to my doctors for a re-check and when he offered...i said sure! Smiling all the way! I have not abused....only taken a few when im in true pain but i still have that lil voice in my head saying....go on....a few isnt gonna hurt!!!!! I look at my tracker....320 some odd days! What a waste that would be to throw that all a way! Right?!?! I know im right....but some moments that doesnt matter!!! I just want my life and my kids life to be good again. No more crying, fighting.....just happy!!! Now on top off all im moving! Im happy to be moving cuz i will finally be safe! Safe in my own place that he just cant show up to cuz his name isnt on the lease!! Just me! I just hate packing and then taking the kids some where new. I know its an adjustment and i think im doing the right thing. Im just so lost and confussed.........................

My letter to Dr. Phil!

Sep 18, 2008 - 10 comments

After watching Dr. Phil on Wednesday i felt like i had to voice my opinion. Not me...right?! LOL!! I dont like him to begin with! He aggravates the **** out of me!
Maybe he will call me to be on the show! LOL!!! I'll bring all of you with!

Heres the letter i emailed to him!..........................................................

I just watched your show with the mother addicted to pills. I cried. I, 10 months ago , was exactly here she was. Not to the full extent as far as usage but i was taking my fair share. I did not wake up one day and decide to be an addict. I did dstart the pain meds for legit reasons and i took more and more as my tolerance went up. I knew i had a problem and it took me along to to admit that to myself let alone anyone else. I know you do the tough love thing but she as there, she was crying for help. In my opinion you made her feel worse about herself. She already knew she was wrong. It takes so much strenghth to admit and ask for the help. You just can 't stop. Its not as easy as everyone thinks. I wish it was. I am 290 days clean and sober today! Inever was a bad mom i was a sick mom. I did it not only for me but for my kids. They needed a sober mommy!!  I hated going threw withdrawls and being crabby when i ran out of pills. I know it hurts your loved ones but it also hurts you...the addict. I knew i was sick but i was scared and embaressed. Yes i was selfish but i turned that around and i am stronger person today because of it. I am not niave. I know addiction is a life long fight. If it was easy it would not be called a fight. I live now day by day. Sometimes minute by minute. It is the hardest thing i ever have done and i did it by myself. I didnt have the option of going away for help.
I really dont think society as a whole really understand how big of a problem there is with RX pain medication. Where i live they call them mommies little helpers. Everyone i know takes them. Most not for legit pain.
I really would like to knwo how she is doing as far as her recovery goes. Its a scary thing and i hope she stays strong and fights with all she has. It really does take every ounce of energy and strength you have not only to get clean but to stay clean. Sometimes now i think that getting clean was the easy part its staying clean that is the hardest part. The cravings do get far and few in between the longer i am clean and i have learned how to get threw those tuff times. I have a support group online. Yes online. That forum and my friends i have made there are my support. I would not be as far as i am and learned as much as i have with out them. Everyone dealing with addiction needs support. Doesnt matter how or were you find that support but when you find it you hold on to it! Its your lifeline!
Thank you for your time. I just wanted you to know from another addicted mommy what its really like and my thoughts on it in general.
Sincerly yours,


NFL Football Tourney!! Standings

Sep 13, 2008 - 2 comments

27643?1224593538
This will be updated every Tuesday. This is an up to date season total. Weekly totals are in each of the weeks game sheet posts on social side.
May the best man...or woman...win!!!!








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