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Distructive behavior or Justified need

Oct 25, 2012 - 1 comments
Tags:

distructive

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needs

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Behavior



I bought a 2011 Elantra today, its my first car that I'm solely responsible for, in terms of financial and I have know the payments are more then I can afford.  However its essential to my job to have a car, and a reliable one at that because every week I am in a different part of the area, someone weeks my round trip travel could be 120 miles × 4 days. Other weeks it could be only 20 miles.
My new car I chose carefully for both great reliability ratings and it gets 40 miles to the gallon!
Aside from needing transportation to work, and the huge amount of stress caused from having to rely on others for a riding or to borrow the vehicle (always on that is a gas guzzler and/or on the verge of breaking down ), I am buying this car because I removed  more and more what a toxic relationship and emotional beating I go through when I live with my aunt,but its multipled greatly for anything I financially depend on her for (anything I depend on period from her ).  
With my husband separating us, and my move out to not only new city but county as well, I have had very little positive socializing out side of anyone who visits. The heartbreak and depression is already unbearable, but the added feelings of being stranded, and restricted to very little area is dragging me further into oblivion. Not being able to go visit a friend, when it becomes to toxic at the house I'm living in, or just go somewhere I can do anything I want because I don't have to bring back my aunt s car or even sometimes being told I can't borrow it even if she doesn't use it at all. Its just so strenuous on my already broken emotional health.
Even though I feel my reason s are valid in purchasing the car, I can't help but wonder if I'm just feeding a distinctive behavior and justifying it irrationally.

pulled a trigger

Oct 23, 2012 - 0 comments

“When someone cries so hard that it hurts their throat, it is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do can change the situation. When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside - that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can't. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it's just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn't do a damn thing to fix anything.” ― Chase Brooks,

My Bipolar Tracking

Migraine

Oct 22, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Migraines

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Headache

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Insomnia

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Prevention

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nausea

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sleep



Saturday night had insomnia,  because my mind and emotions were going a mile a minute.  Tonight after a long crappy day at work, I took sleep aid to hopefully get a restful sleep. Unfortunately my aunt came home at 9pm and asked me to go with her to search for our lost dog. He's been missing for 3 days now and is almost 20yrs old. She's had him since he was. 4months old,  he is her child basically, and she has been so distraught. So what else could I do but jump in the car to search again. If I didn't my conscious would have kept me wide awake anyway.  Well its 2am now and we just got home. From a combination of triggers I'm now at the horrible point in my migraine path where I know the small window of prevention opportunity that would have just kept it at a dull headache has long gone. Just the knowledge of what awaits down the migraine highway is enough to trigger a migraine. Next stop nausea, dizzines, disorientation, light sensitivity, audio sensitivity and tears.

"Kill Myself" by Tim McGraw

Oct 19, 2012 - 0 comments

This song has always been special to me though I couldn't clearly define why in the past, now it's because I see I need to do it...if for no other reasons then to feel ok about who I am for once...
"Kill Myself"

I'm gonna clean the house I'm gonna fix the fence In my final hours I'm gonna tie up these loose ends

I wont leave a note For anyone to find Tomorrow they'll know What I've done here tonight

[Chorus] The drastic steps I'm takin' Are just an act of desperation I knew no one would miss me So what the hell I fought and lied I drank too much Hurt every one I ever touched Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell This is not some kind of cry for help Just good bye I wish you well Because I love you I'm gonna kill myself

Now who is that In my easy chair Now wait a minute That's the old me sittin' there

And I thank God The devil in me died I stand before you now A man changed and alive

[Chorus] The drastic steps I'm takin' Are just an act of desperation I knew no one would miss me So what the hell I fought and lied I drank too much Hurt every one I ever touched Just how much I hurt you is hard to tell This is not some kind of cry for help Just good bye I wish you well Because I love you I have to kill myself

Gonna clean the house Gonna fix that fence In my final hours I'm gonna tie up these loose ends