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A peaceful kind of pain

Oct 19, 2012 - 0 comments














About an hour ago my husband sent me a text in a sort of effort to be a comforting friend, then it became 32 total between the two of us text conversation, that was the first in this whole ordeal that we actually allowed for a healing and remained throughout conversation. It only put a couple stitches of the hundreds we individually need, and we still remain on opposite mind sets on where we want to be in the future (me, as a healed healthy happy couple, him as individual healed healthy happy platonic friends) . Even though this opposition causes me so much pain, Ifeeel we both were able to say what we wanted and where our feelings stand without invalidating the others feelings, or adding hurt and unesasary pain.
Am I crying, and feeling hopeless about the future of us right now? Yes, it took me 20 minutes to control the tears enough to do this entry, but some how, the way that conversation went, gave me a slight emotional peace however small, its progress toward the one goal we do agree on and thats wanting us both to heal. Just have huge difference in what we want as a final outcome.
Now instead of letting my mind obsess and quickly tear those stitches out, by becoming destructive and emotionally damaging when I allow myself to dwell on one event for far to long, therefore causing not only the fresh stitches to rip but slice another length of pain calling for even more healing. I'm going to drown my irrational impulses, with music so my brain and emotions can absorb the healing, instead of go to war with each other yet again. Goodnight

Bear is missing

Oct 18, 2012 - 0 comments

My aunts dog whose 20 got out

My Bipolar Tracking

I love him, miss him, wish he would change his mind, but Ill survive

Oct 17, 2012 - 1 comments

I love him









Recently the mother of my husband's youngest did something I made her promise to me when this all started, that was to let me know even if it sounds hurtful if he seemed to be getting happier and mentally healthier. And though it crushed me and I cried uncontrollably all night when she told me a few nights ago, I have felt a sense of relief and calm in the fact he is doing good and being productive. Contact between us is virtually zilch, and I had been desperately wishing when he became clear minded like she said he is now that he would choose to begin healing our relationship, but that seems farther to the side of never goin to happen then the any second now side.
The information has definitely brought a new more powerful sense of loss and pain, but also a genuine feeling of relief and a twisted happiness in the knowledge he is happier even if its not me who makes him happy.  
Now if I could stop loving him and missing him and praying for him to want to be an "us" again. Maybe then I could be happy too.

Maroon 5 says it better then I could...

Oct 12, 2012 - 0 comments

"Where have the times gone
      Baby, it's all wrong, where are the dreams we made for two?
      Ya, I know it's hard to remember the people we used to be.
      It's even harder to picture that you're not here next to me.
      You say it's too late to make it, but is it too late to
      I've wasted my nights,
      You've turned out the lights,
      Now I'm paralyzed, still stuck in that time,
      When we called it love"