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I need to give to save myself

Jul 24, 2016 - 1 comments

Okay, I've been so caught up in my own head lately. I'm honestly sick of it. I need to step outside my head. I want to be aware of my thoughts without being so attached to them. I'm going to drive myself insane.

So, here is the solution; I was thinking, that maybe if I incorporated the idea of giving into my life, then maybe that would allow me to step out of my own head. I gave it some thought, and it made me so happy! To be able to give to others without an exact reason, even if its just a little gift, or a little favour I do for someone every couple of days (or preferrably every day, but with school that may not be possible).l I need to find something within me that gets me up in the morning again, something that makes me happy, that makes my heart smile. And not because I necessarily want to prove myself to anyone, but because giving is more important than what you've got. And I feel like I have nothing in terms of self-worth. If all I can give someone is a couple of chocolates this week, then I'll be happy with that. And maybe I'll think of something else a little more intelligent later on, but you have to start somewhere right? I'm almost screaming inside because of how little I think of myself, and if it were up to me I was yesterday, I would be isolating myself from the world. I know that there is so much more to life than this, and don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for what I have, but I need that love and spark towards life again, because its just become a bunch of nothingness. I want to live, without my days being so guarded by my own limiting thoughts. I want to prove to myself that there is something incredible in every day, and I want to be the one who creates that incredible thing.

I feel like I'm not achieving anything and like im doing nothing with my life. Every day is the same as the last, and I feel like im going in circles- thinking im better, then falling back into negativity and being my own worst enemy. I know if i keep going like this im going to lose myself even more than I have, and I will do everything I can to not have that happen. I want to feel like I have a right to fight for my own happiness, like my presence is of some importance, like I have something to give in this world... even if all that I give is love. If all I have is love, then I will give people love. I will show them how much I appreciate them, in hope that if I show that to others I'll be working on my own self-concept and self-love at the same time. I need to do something, and this is the solution I have come up with. I need to get out of my own fantasy world and start actually living. I dont want to be stuck anymore, I want to experience.  
I need to give to save myself from the emptiness.  

I dont want all the answers now, and maybe the hidden truth about life is that we never actually find any answers, but we are so convinced that we will and that the answers are out there, that that serves as our motivation. The pursuit of the answers- the process- is what is most  important. Life is so much more than perfection and trying to plan the future. I will take it by the moment, with just enough plan for the future, but not so much that I lock in only one idea of how I want it to turn out. If I take it by the moment, it'll be easier to adjust when things don't go according to plan... and that is perfectly okay. I will lessen my expectations of life , others and most importantly myself. If I do that, I'll be alot happier. I'll be more at peace with myself. It is what it is. I don't just want to be happy, but mostly, I want to feel the beauty of life again. I'm ready, I'm ready to share love. I'm ready to give and put myself out there, I'm ready to fight for something again- and that something is me.

Rant, sorry guys

Apr 08, 2016 - 10 comments

you know what i think, i think that ive never been the student who is particularly "smart", and nor will i ever be. And that saddens me greatly- that no matter how hard I've tried throughout the years. none of it was good enough, and quite frankly it was just all a stupid waste of time. And the way people see me now, is the dumb quiet girl at the back of the class, but they dont know how much i desire to speak up, and then whenever i do i feel rejected, invisible, and unimportant. I desire desperately to be one of those extroverts, who communicate with people as if social interactions were all they had to live for. But the truth is, I've always been an introvert, or just shy. And whichever one I am, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of me. I should be MORE. I should be better, more bubbly and charismatic. Someone worth other peoples time... Someone worth my own time.

Goodness, I'm sick of me. And someone once told me that its okay to not be bubbly... but right now, I dont think it is. Thats all i've ever wanted to be. If only i could step out of my own head right now. I'm such an idiot.  I wish i could just get on a fighting arena with these doubts and punch the heck out of them. I'm sick of trying so hard to be happy, and it getting me nowehere in the long run. I'm sick of having no one to hug me and tell me to keep going and that I will make it. I'm sick of being the motivational person on social media, yet no one ever helps me when I lack motivation. I sound like I'm not grateful. You know I am, I know people, especially my family, do so much for me. But I just want that one person that I can rely on, who i can call whenever, who I know doesn't judge me and just accepts me as i am. And maybe that person I need is me, but I just dont seem to want to cooperate at the moment.

Finally have a goal

Apr 03, 2016 - 3 comments

Okay well I've never really been someone who sets regular goals (could be why my motivation is so low), but guess what? Now i have one! It may be difficult and seems crazy at this point, but I have 2 possible career options in mind for my future; a Nutritionist/ Dietitian or a Physiotherapist. Now I dont know about other countries, but here, its quite difficult to get into Physio. It requires a really high ATAR (Australian Tertiary Admissions Rank), or score for the end of year exams; around 90 approximately. Now, one of my good friends who did year 12 last year is way smarter than me, and got an 85 ATAR, So that shows you how hard it actually is. So, its not that I think its impossible, because I know nothing really is impossible... but at the same time its not likely. If I dont get into that course for Uni, then there should be some other pathway through another Uni, that may take longer, but as I've said "its about the journey, not the destination". Alot of people worry about how long their course is going to take... but really, its about your future, pursuing a career that suits you, so why does anyone care about how long it takes? I'll have to be okay with it if I dont get the ATAR I need, but there is always another way. Or there is a backup; Nutrition or Dietetics, which is something I've been extremely interested in during the past couple of months.

I HAVE A GOAL! Even though no matter how hard I work it wont guarantee that I'll get into Physio, because afterall it depends what happens during exams, and we just have to see. But having something to keep me going has excited me! Having some idea of what I want to do has excited me! So, basically I have reached my goal of finding a goal... if that makes sense. Anywho, time to work now, with that goal in mind, focus on the present and make the most of every day with just only 1 week left of holidays.

Next term will be difficult, and I would be lying if I said I was physically or mentally prepared... because I'm not. But we all just have to soldier on! This is an important year, and I'm not resting until I know I've given it everything I've got!!

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VULNERABILITY:

Feb 26, 2016 - 6 comments

There is something strangely beautiful about seeing someone at their most vulnerable; for that one moment they appear just as they are, and nothing more. Its not lack of strength, or really a reminder of humanity, but instead a new perspective of what happens behind the scenes.This person was completely unaware that i saw her, - someone with a heart of pure kindness who would always smile cheerfully at me- break. It made me realise that our realities aren't always as they seem, as things are constantly changing, and things are happening everywhere. And just because one doesn't witness it, doesn't mean it doesn't occur. When I saw her next, there was beauty and strength in the way that she appeared, and it made me feel an even stronger admiration towards her.

Courage rises from vulnerability.