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Day 5 Friday, 2/8

Feb 08, 2008 - 1 comments

Interesting day today. Upon waking up, I immediately kind of felt a little edgy and that stayed with me a while. I did not take my suboxon until close to 8am so maybe that had something to do with it, I don't know. But, I just felt kind of grumpy I guess. I also felt a little anxious, maybe nervous is the better word thinking about the weekend. When I was using, I looked at the weekends as a great time, to be able to stay up later, play poker and take my vic. I guess I"m wondering what I'm going to do now that I cannot take any vic or drink anything. I have a serious urge to drink right now, but know that I can't do that. I have to fight it and let the urge go away. It will in time, I know it will. But man, its hard not thinking about it. I just have to find other things to occupy my time I guess. I feel like when I get home, I'm going to be grumpy at everyone, almost like I don't wven want to go home and have to deal with it. This is not a good or healthy feeling to have. I need to focus on positive things right now that I could do, like rent a movie, do massage with the wife, something that I like to do....but have to develop more things that I like to do and can do at home; preferably things that are not work related. I guess I could eat, but thats not goiing to be a good idea. I love my wife. She has been great to me. We still have A LOT to work on and I want to rebuild that relationship so it feels like it did during our first couple years of marriage. I think we can do it and I think I can do it too. I just prayed to God because I realized I had not thanked him yet today for giving me this day and giving me the strength I need and for being with me. I'm lucky to have him with me and always being with me. Ilove the LORD and I appreciate his strength and grace. I guess one thing to look forward to this weekend is Church. I plan on praising God with everything I have. It willbe one of the first services in a long, long time that I will be at and not be high or anything. I wonder if I will be as into being off drugs and I was when I was on drugs. I think I will be pretty emotional because I am so grateful to him.
Anyway, the day went ok at work. I duscovered that I feel kind of the same way when I was on Vic during the day because my eyes would get cross eyers and they would want to close....almost like I was sleepy, but I did not feel sleepy. Its kind of the same behavior or physical reactions I would have when I was using,so nt sure what to make of it. If it keepsup I will ask Dr Lemke what it is. I just took another 1/2 tablet because I keep thinking about the weekend being here and I want to lower my anxiety a bit and just try to look forward to going home.
I saw Dr Lemke today and he agreed to up my dosage to 2 8mg tablets a day. So, I take one in the morning and the toher one I break into halves and take throughout the dsy when I feel llike I need it. I hope I do not start taking it just because I think I need it. These things are addicting and I'm a bit worried about getting hooked on these. Anyway, I go back to see Dr. Lemke in two weeks. Going to continue to work hard and not think about the Hydro...I have to remember that it is destructive and the high only last for so it really worth all the trouble that it brings? I really isn't if you think about it. SERIOUSLY, think about it....there are a ton of problems that come with taking Hyrdo and I can't just take some on a one time occassion. I will get hookd into taking it for a long period of time and I can't do that again. I do not watn to do taht again. I can live healthier and I will live healtier. Just giving myself some more time and a little break to realize that this is going to take time...don't stress out about it. I have to remember that it tooks months to get hooked the pills, so its going to take Months to get off them sucessfully. I will continue to work hard. Talk with yoiu soon.
Mike With Family

Thursday, Febuary 7th, Day 4

Feb 07, 2008 - 0 comments

Thank you for kind words, they are very encouraging to me and certainly affirms that I am heading in the right direction.
Regarding the Suboxone, I don't know how long. My doctor told me his goal is to get me off it as soon as possible; but it will ultimately be up to me to decide. I have never had to go through this, so not sure what to expect. As of right now, I think it will be for a long time. I am determined never to let this happen to me again. I need to re-develop those positive habits and learn how to be around my family again in a sober state of mind. One of the triggers for me was the contant battling I had with my wife. I do not blame her, and I do not want her to blame herself either. All I want is for both of us to examine how we handle disagreements and develop a more civil method of handling ourselves; instead of the battling of wills and egos. To be totally honest, it seemed all to important to her that she was right. Its like she had/had a phobia of saying, "I'm sorry" or changing her perception on things. Not that I was asking her too everytime because when I was wrong, I admitted it and had no probelm going over to her side and agreeing with her. She is an identical twin; often times, she and her twin discuss things; they also typically like to have the same opinion so that may be one of the hurdles as well; she does not want to change her view because her TWIN sees it opposite of me as well. I guess I sometimes feel like I play second fiddle. But thats my issue to get over......So, to try and shorten the -  That may take a while to do so as long as we have that issue on the table, I will remain on the Suboxone. One of my other triggers was the stress I always felt with my son; who is ADHD,, and ODD. ODD is Opposition Defiant Disorder...not a fun thing to live with. As difficult as it is for him to live with it, (I hope not to sound selfish), its extremely difficult for us to endure the behavior and deal with a 13 year old that LOVES/LIVES to argue. There are other triggers too, but those are something that shouldn't require me to use Suboxone any longer than these triggers.
Since I'm here, I would love to give another update. I want to surround myself around positive things and people, and hear words of encouragement everyday (because I know I will need it) so I have decided to make this site part of my recovery process; to post an update each day. Its so theraputic for me to share the success that it spawns more motivation in me.
Day 3 went great; except around 5 pm I started having "urges" so (as my doctor told me too) I took 1/2 a Suboxon Tablet and that seemed to help. Today is Day 4 and its around 3:45. At 45 minutes ago, I started to feel an urge so I took another 1/2 tablet. Worries me a bit to experience these, and had me wondering how the next few days are going to play out because these "urges" are coming on a little earlier each day. Oh well, I guess it really does not change anything if you think about it. In the end, I don't want to use again and I found telling myself that seems to help. Oh, by the way, You're not going to believe what came in the mail at my office today...yup. 90 Norco pills. This is an order that I put in a couple of weeks ago and not that I forgot about it, but just thought it was not going to be delivered. Anyway, thats probably why that urge occured earlier than yesterday. Anyway, I immediately called my wife and told her about it, that there were 90 pills in the bottle and that I was bringing them home tonight after work. I also called my doctors office and told his nurse. I figure the more people I tell, the more peeople I will have to answer too if I do something stupid. I have no intention what so ever right now, I just don't know whats going to happen 2 or 3 hours from now...I have never gone through this so telling everyone that should be told seemed like the best thing I could do for myself.  
Well, I have great encouragement at home, I also have lots of positive things going on here on the website so I"m doing good. Hope all is going well for everyone else too. If there is anyone out there, who needs some help, I will be happy to help in any way I can. I am new to this, but will be happy to share what I have experienced so far. Perhaps it will help you. I know talking to some a few people last Friday helped me. Anyway, best to you and I'll talk again soon.
mhackett @ grar . com
Mike with Family

Wednesday, Febuary 13th, Day 3

Feb 07, 2008 - 0 comments

Hi Everyone,
I wanted to come back and give a brief update. I am on day 3 and doing well. I take one 8mg tablet of Suboxone in the morning and it seems to carry me through the day. Lately my focus has been on mending relatationships with family and extended family members. What was so obvious to so many of my loved ones, but not to me, was my personality change and how they saw something different, but I did not detect a thing. After taking time to appologize to them and sharing with them what I am doing to heal, many have said "I thought something was wrong, it just was not the same Mike". Well, I had no idea and thought I was the same guy, just alittle more fun....when actually, it was the other way Wow, the things we learn.
Anyway, I'm seeking counseling once a week beginning today and more if necessary. Right now just trying to lay low, working on improving some relationships and getting thigs in order.
I'll touch base soon and give another update.
If anyone out there has come to this site seeking help. You have come to the right place. Take time to chat with some people here and they'll share with you on how to start getting your life back in order. I did that very thing on Friday of last week and within 5 days, I am 3 days off of taking 300mg of hydrocodone a day. smiling with my wife and looking forward to a much brighter future. If I can help anyone with questons, please look up my profile and email. I'll be happy to help if I can.
talk with you again soon.
Mike With Family

Monday, Feb 4th

Feb 07, 2008 - 0 comments

Greetings Everyone,
I want to thank everyone who responded to my plea for help. As some of you may recall, I was a basket case on Friday, 2/1 trying to figure out what to do. So many people came to me; sourrounded me, letting me know its "OK", "this is a good place to come for help" and wanted to know more about my drug habit so they could help. Well, I made it to my doctor this morning; told him everything that was going on. Yes, he was taken aback a bit when I told him I was up to 15 Norco a day. However, he wanted to help. I'm very lucky because he was trained and licensed one year ago to deal with these situations and has a license to issue the suboxone to me. He had me fill the script and wanted me back in his office at 1pm, he wanted to monitor my reactions to the drug. Incredible is all I can say for what he is doing for me. The Suboxone removes the W/D symptoms, at least mostof them, I still have hot flashes and am a bit tired and light headed, but those are normal side effects. Anyway, I am on my way to getting back to who I am and that is awsome feeling. I have alot of work to do, I know that because I have to deal with the triggers so they do not trip me up int he future. I really wanted to say thank you for all of your love and support. I will check in again later this week.
If anyone reading my story can relate to this, then don't be afraid to seek help. If anyone who is reading this uses just a couple of pills a day and thnks "no problem, I can handle a few pills", I would encourage you to rethink what you are doing. Remember, everyone started out taking one pill, now if you are up to 2 pills, why is that? Before long, you willbe up to 3, then 4, then8, etc.. and you will keep going. Please don't make the same mistake so many people (who come to this site) have made. The short term "high" is not work the "long term problems" that will develop. I am just an everyday example fo what ends up happening. I am an extremely strong, confident professional and if it can happen to me, it can happen to you. I hope my story helps someone.
Best of care to everyone.

Mike with Family