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Home with out my Heart.

Aug 15, 2008 - 14 comments

On August 13th I gave birth to the most perfect little boy I have ever seen. I can not believe that we had to make the choice that we did. Alex just layed there life-less with one hand posed under his chin and the other on his chest in the fetal position. I wanted to die. Just go with him. This little boy was without doubt the most amazing baby I have ever seen. So peaceful and angelic.

I arrived at the hospital on the 12th. I talked at length and cried with my husband. Made last ditch efforts find lasting solutions for Alex and after talking to another Dr. decided that we were doing what was best for Alex to prevent his suffering and death at birth. After a short stay with my husband in the room I left alone in a room where I cried and cried for about an hour. The MD came in and started the procedure. Unfortunatley, the event took longer than I was told since the physician couldn't seem to break through to the amniotic sac due to an anterior placenta. After about 6-8 painful needle sticks.. he went for a longer needle and was able to puncture the sac. The fluid will be sent for testing. Then I had to have the saline injection back into the sac. It had to be halted before finished because I went into shock during the procedure due an to electrolyte imbalance and started shaking and convulsing on the table. I couldn't help but think that I some how deserved this for doing what we decided to do for Alex. After I was stabilized from this I was brought back to a room on the OB floor and given pitocin. I was told that labor should be quick.

After 12 hours and no change, the MD came by that night and started vaginally deposting a medicine that I am unfamiliar with and said that it should really "get things" going. By this time I had been vomitting uncontrollably and had to be given extra meds for it. Next came uncontrollable diarreha. I was constantly fussed at for getting up yet, what was I to do? I have a medical back ground so I am familiar with the sign of labor. I also know the difference between diarreha and labor symptoms. After another vaginal insertion the next morning due to no change... around 9:00 pm I gave birth to Alex. On the 14th the MD came back for a "check" and started attempting to scrape for residual placenta I begged him to stop as it was too painful which led me to a D&C by 10:30 that morning. I was shocked. I had already been through so much turmoil, stress, and heart wrenching decisions that I couldn't believe that my body had been through so much and still had to now under go more with general anesthesia. I was released at 3:00 today Aug 14th severely anemic to the point of almost needing a transfusion from blood loss.

I learned while I was there that there was another lady on the same floor with me who was undergoing the same experience. I wanted to badly to go to her and let us comfort each other. It is so strange to lay in a hospital bed and listen to all the laughter in the hallway, see the smiling faces of people walking by, balloons on doors when I was there to lose the most important person in my life. So odd that as you lay there suffering the rest of the world continues to go by people laughing. joking, smiling.....

I have been reading a lot and have learned that prometrium can contribute to congenital heart disease. I am not sure if I can try again after this loss. I will never be able to replace him. I do know that I have requested genetic testing on Alex, myself and my husband. If we do ever try again I want to know that I have removed all risk factors possible. Of course that is not fool proof. However. it is the best that I can do. I also will plan to have a long discussion with my IVF clinic about the risks of prometrium since I used it until week 15. I hope that some one will read this journal and also ask about birth defects from prometrium as to possibly save their baby from this type of decision.

I may not be able to visit this site often right now as it is a reminder of a painful loss. I am sure with time I will return. Just not sure how long that will be.

Good luck to all who are expecting and trying.


Aug 08, 2008 - 24 comments

I found out Monday that Alex is a Boy and also that he has severe HLHS. We have had to make the difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy. My heart is broken. I do not want Alex to suffer. This is the worst and hardest decision I have ever had to make. We love this little boy so much.

After so many consults and reasearching and every thing we have done to learn about this type of heart disease.... All signs pointed to him not surviving more than a few hours or minutes after birth.

I am so crushed.

13 Week Appt

Jul 01, 2008 - 0 comments

Well we are 13 weeks and 1 day today. The bleed has resolved and I was assured that a miscarriage at this stage is very rare. I feel so happy today. I am posting the u/s photos from today and well, the little wriggler is so handsome.
I am staying less tired and getting back to my normal self a bit. oh happy days.

Appt Cambell

Jun 24, 2008 - 0 comments

scb unchanged