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Same stuff.....different day

Mar 04, 2013 - 1 comments

Dear journal,

29 days clean today.....almost a month. I see all off these awesome posts like "One month and feeling great!" and "thirty (whatever...insert number here) days and doing fine". And yet I don't feel "great", "fine" or awesome. In fact I feel worse than I did at day 10. I honest to god feel like I am sliding backwards....falling into a pit. Exhausted all the time. No energy. No ambition. Everything seems to be caving in on me.  Still don't feel like I can go back to work....bills piling up....days flying past and they're all the same blah blah blah...and nothing appears to have changed.

It just doesn't seem like I have accomplished anything by getting clean. Except that now I can't chase away the blues with a little buzz. Not really craving at all. Don't even have the ambition for that. Had to sell my Firebird Friday to keep paying the bills. I sold it to.....well gave it away basically.....an old buddy. He came to sign the BOS and give me a down payment (I keep the title till it's paid off) He says..."I'll split a 30 w/ you". I thought he had got clean. I just stared at him blankly and said no. There was no...hmmmm omg what should I do? Or....Whew, passed that test, hurray for me! No emotion what so ever. Simply a robotic "no". I just didn't care. And haven't even thought of it till now.

Maybe I'm stuck in my own little pity party. I hate feeling this way. It wasn't supposed to be this way was it? I was supposed to rule the world by now. Well at least be able to leave my house more than twice a week.And give a s**t about life. Maybe it's the Clonazepam taper. I'll blame it on that. That's as good an excuse as any. I do that because it's convenient and I don't have any other answers. In short...one month later and it's still same s**t different day.

yep......that about sums it up.

Jimi

Does size matter?

Feb 06, 2013 - 5 comments

That got your attention......who ever happens to still be awake. But seriously, I am a big guy.....6-3, 240....Been abusing pretty good quantities of Oxy for a good deal of time. My worst WD sypmtoms are usually over in a few days. Oh I feel worn out and don't sleep well for 10 days or so. But the part where you want to lay in he freeway....never lasts long for me,

No I couldn't help but notice that alot of the posters here a female. Who tend to be smallish. And I see ALOT of "day (insert whatever here...like, idk 9...or 12) and still feel horrible" posts.

So I wonder, how much does size matter in CT wds? Any opinions? Just wide awake and bored right now. Peace

Set back....and hard choices.

Jan 26, 2013 - 3 comments

Well today was just an enormous failure on all levels. I wish now I had just stayed in bed all day. I was so excited when my daughter called me from Salt Lake at 5:30 last nite to say they were on the way. If only I could go back in time and tell her to turn around and go home. I figured, it being late and all, they would make it about halfway (Rock Springs WY)....get an early start and roll into to town around noon. So I laid down for a good sleep, knowing I would be playing with my grand daughter by this evening. Not to be..."

At around 9 this a.m. I get a txt from Bri "are you awake?"
"Yes" I reply.... "Are you Close?"
"No please call me"
Right away I could tell something was wrong. I could feel it in my gut that something bad was going on. My gut is always right.

Last nite at around 10:30, about the time I was drifting off to pleasant dreams of spending the next month with my daughter and grand daughter Kaislee, her boyfriend was getting pulled over by the Wyoming State Patrol, just outside of Evanston. It seems that Corbyn, her BF, had little sleep the night before and didn't bother to clean his headlights well before they left. He weaved in front of the State Trooper, who pulled him over and gave him a Breathalyzer (passed) and a sobriety test...also passed except for the standing on one leg...and if you have never been on I-84 in S WY, you probably wouldn't know that the wind blows 9 ******* zero most of the time down there. And Standing on one leg in 15 below zero AND wind isn't exactly the easiest endeavor.

So they arrest him on suspicion and then proceed to attack my daughter verbally. Asking her is she is on "uppers or downers?". when she responds "neither", the officer says "Bull**** you're high as a kite. THEN (and this is really good stuff here) has her DRIVE their car (remember she is high as a kite?) to a T/A truckstop 10 miles up the road, in the middle of freakin nowhere, and tells her (she has no license) to stay there and don't go any further. There are no motels anywhere near...the closest is in Evanston 30 miles away. So my Daughter and Grand Daughter spend the nite in THE CAR in the dead of winter!

Not joking! When I called the State Police office in Cheyenne the duty officer politely informs me that it is not the job of a state patrolman to taxi people to motels. so I ask him "IS IT THEIR JOB TO DUMP MOTHERS WITH INFANTS OFF IN THE FREAKIN @#$%$&*#$ middle of nowhere in the dead of winter?"....And by the way is it the job of officers, to allow citizens WITH NO LICENSE to drive? Is it the job of State Patrolmen to let mothers that they know are "HIGH AS A KITE" to keep custody of 11 month old infants? This shut him up real quick and he got really polite and helpful.

To make a long story short....my anxiety level has shot thru the roof today and my "tapering schedule" went right out the window.

Spent the whole day trying to get her on a bus and up here. Now here is the kicker. It all blew up because her mother hates her boyfriend, Who is an ex heroin addict. I have cut the kid some slack because he has tried to get his life together and take care of his little family. He has a good job that he will likely lose because he is supposed to be at work, Mon morning, in Colorado. Btw....they took a UA, which has come back clean but will not release him until the blood test comes back. And the bail bondsmen would only take the full bail (cash only) because he is an out of stater. So I have been trying to get my daughter home and in the middle of a full scale war, between her and her mother, all day. In retrospect I should have just driven the 10 hrs down to Evanston and never involved the ex.

I just didn't need this. I was making strides on both the tapering and my panic/breathing problem the last few days...now that is shot to ****. AT LEAST....I didn't go get a pack of smokes. Somehow I overcame that urge.

By why is it that when you are down, that life really kicks you in the groin? Not just me but my kid and her BF. He just got this job and they were getting their lives together. Everyone in the family was starting to say good things about Corbyn....."turning it around"....."maybe he is worth something"....then this happens.

Life isn't fair, I know that. And I don't mind if god punishes me hell I deserve it. Buy why does he punish my kid....and my grand child? What did she do that she had to sit in a truckstop for 24 hrs? I am just furious about that.

Now the hard choices...I am just riding this tapering thing out. I am really stuck at 60 mg. Is that so bad? I went CT at 50 and lived. I feel like I am just wasting time and things in my life are spiraling down hill. I have people that need me...depend on me...like my kids and grand kids. And I feel of NO USE whatsoever. Maybe I should just flush the rest of these damn things, get some gatorade and get on with it. Of all the people I am angry at right now....I am the most angry at myself.
Ok...deep breath...sorry had to vent. Guess I need to get back to getting her on that bus.

Peace..



The old me....

Jan 07, 2013 - 1 comments

http://www.medhelp.org/personal_pages/user/1335026

This was the old me. I found it last night after a little digging. New me isn't a whole lot different. A little older......definitely not much wiser it seems....and a lot more scared this time. Maybe it's because I realize now, from reading people posting it constantly (the old me never paid attention to that part of people's posts...or I chose to ignore it for convenience sake), that this isn't about getting clean to keep a good job. Or feeling better physically....or about saving money......or change, like suddenly becoming a good person etc. I guess 2 years later, it's finally sunk in that it's about my life. Like life or death. I never viewed it in that way before.

2 years ago I had been clean a month or so....was felling better. Real good in fact....and thought I was over and done.. all was well. I shut of my computer one day and moved back here to WY. Now here I am back for a 3rd time. Not sure how many chances you get in life, to get it right. But I'm pretty sure I don't have many more... if any.

In all my posts back then I never bullsh**** to try and fool anyone. there is no fooling addicts. they can see right through that. I honestly had good intentions. Except for the fact that when I thought I could just put it behind me, like it was one of my broken relationships, without having to face my addiction every day for the rest of my life....
I was fooling myself.


I can't promise success even this time around. But win, lose or draw....at least I won't be fooling myself anymore. I know the score now. It's late in the game and I'm behind. so there is that then...

That's all I wanted to say....
Peace
-Jimi