May 19, 2008
I hate school. I have tons of reasons to.
It might also be another cause for my depression..
I hate the work. In my opinion, it's just a waste of time..
Besides, I hate my old school..
In 5th grade, I had the meanest teacher ever, and I am not exaggerating when I say that.
Her name is Ms. Threadgill. (I think it was Mrs. Threadgill.. But who on earth would marry that woman?!)
She hated me. I know she did. She was always telling me I was going to be a failure..
I'm not the only one. She told that to my friends, too. But I think she disliked them just BECAUSE they were my friends.
She picks favorites. Once, my friend forgot to turn in a worksheet and received a 0. Another girl name Katrina (prep and complete suck-up) forgot the exact same worksheet on the exact same day, and Ms. Threadgill let her turn it in the next day and she got full credit.
I was so bad in that class. I got in trouble a lot, but that was because I was always blamed for things I didn't do!
I didn't turn in many assignments.. The only way I passed is that I aced the FCAT. (Above average.)
I just never felt motivated. My life was (still is) a depressing mess, I was never encouraged to do better, I was always being taunted by the other students, not a single teacher has ever told me "good job" or anything like that.
Even my principal hated me!
Now that isn't my fault. It's my brother's. I hate my brother. I never loved him, not even a tiny bit.
My brother always acted up in class, yelling, swearing, and threatening the teachers.
He finally had to be homeschooled. He can be pretty violent at times, but I have never once felt the least bit afraid of him. I know he doesn't have the guts to hurt me or my sister.
Right now he's staying at this foster home.. He visits sometimes, and he's still the same as he used to be.
It's his fault that my life was hell in that school!
The principal just had to ASSUME that because I was his younger sister, I would (for some reason) take after him and be just as bad.
I finally stopped trying at the end of the year.
I'm doing the same this year.
I might not pass the 6th grade. I don't care. It isn't my fault.
I STILL never feel motivated to try my best.. Even if I do, I feel it isn't enough.
I feel like no matter what I do, I'll always be a failure. A failure at school. A failure in every single social group. A failure at life.
Sometimes I lie in bed and wonder what I ever did to deserve this. I never did anything. I am (well, used to be..) a good kid. It's not my fault!
Hell, I hate my parents, too!
I hate them so much!
I blame my mom because she tried to commit suicide. I blame my dad because he never encourages me and is always yelling at me, but is always so nice to my sister. I feel like they hate me for some reason. I hate my brother. (I already explained why.) I'm just friends with my sister. She never did anything..
I hate almost everyone I know. The day my parents die will be the happiest day of my life. I don't love them. It's like I can't even love anyone anymore! I can't even feel love anymore! This is what all of this has done to me! I'm becoming a heartless, sociopathic freak! Not to mention suicidal. Do you know how many times I have thought of killing myself? I think about it every minute of every day. I have a sword. I can do it whenever I want. All I have to do is place the sword on my throat and stab..
The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the (faint) belief that tomorrow will be better. Guess what? Tomorrow is NEVER BETTER. It's either worse or the same! Getting nagged at for not doing my work, never being encouraged by ANYONE! I have no reason to try harder! I don't even care if I fail! If I do, then I'll just kill myself. Right now, it is very likely I will, but failing will just ensure it.
I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired of the depression. I'm tired of my family. I'm tired of those jerks that are always acting like the world is such a great place. I'm tired of those idiots that always have those big, stupid grins on their face. I'm tired of the taunting. I'm tired of the work. I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of being me.
I just want to die. I want to end it all. The thought is so tempting. No matter how much I try to convince myself not to, I always consider killing myself. Once I even thought of a suicide note. "Like mother, like daughter." She ought to know what it means.. Yes, she'll know. She'll know and it will break her. I'll even write letters to every signifigant person in my life. My language arts teacher, Mrs. Godwin. My math teacher, Ms. Taylor. My dad. Ms. Threadgill. My friends..
Yes, when I think about suicide I try to think about my friends, but I'm starting to feel like I don't even have any friends. My only true friend is Savana, and I've been yelling at her a lot more lately. I hate that I'm such a jerk to her. I hate that I'm such a jerk to everyone. I hate the way I am.
I especially hate the way people look at me at school.
I can't describe it, but it makes me want to kill them right then and there.
It's sort of a look that says, "there goes that emo freak.."
Full of hate and scorn. I hate it. I hate it so much! I never did anything! It isn't my fault I'm like this! I didn't do anything!
I don't deserve this, any of it.. I just want someone to tell me it's not my fault.. I want someone to confide in (in real life), but I just don't trust anyone that much.
I'm just a kid, but I don't feel like one. I don't even feel human anymore.
I'm staring at the sword right now.
. . .
Some day, but not today.