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Can you say, "Drama"?

Feb 21, 2009 - 0 comments
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This is too much. Really. Too much.
Allow me to explain.
My BEST FRIEND (Savana), the person I would entrust with my very LIFE, got a boyfriend. Again. First two relationships did not end well. Here's the thing: HER BOYFRIEND PISSES ME OFF. He's annoying, he's arrogant, he's full of himself, he's a total jerk! He isn't good enough for her!
But here's what I'm upset about.
At lunch, me and my friends sit at the same table. Shawn (Savana's bf) ALWAYS SITS BY HER. I really wish he'd just leave.
On Thursday, I was calling him names (jokingly, of course), and Savana took me too seriously. She got pissed and moved to the end of the table and stopped talking to be for the rest of the lunch period.
When I got home, my mom told me that Savana had called her, nearly in TEARS, saying that I had been calling Shawn names and she felt that she was going to have to take sides soon.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
NEARLY IN TEARS?
TAKING SIDES?
It gets worse.
On MySpace, she had set her status as: "Savana is mad at a certain someone, and loving another."
She certainly isn't loving me. And 100% of the time when she says a "certain someone", she means me.
BUT SHE IS OH-SO-LOVING HER BOYFRIEND SHE'S ONLY BEEN DATING FOR TWO MONTHS, OBVIOUSLY MORE THAN HER BEST FRIEND.
And Friday, she didn't even talk to me, didn't even spare me a single glance. She didn't sit with me at lunch.
Plus, in the hallway, when I was walking to one of my classes, I looked ahead and saw Savana and Shawn, talking and laughing and looking so happy.
That made me want to throw myself in front of a speeding vehicle. (Long time no see, Suicidal Thoughts.)
I've been replaced. She doesn't need me anymore. She has Shawn now, who is obviously so much better than me.
I'm useless.

The worst part is, Savana was a major part of my life.
I can't remember a single happy moment in my childhood in which she wasn't present.
I can't imagine what life would be like without her.
But I guess I'm going to have to start soon.

Even if this all blows over, I can never trust her as much as I used to. Ever. Our friendship can never go back to that.
After being someone's best friend for several years, and then just being replaced by some guy that she's been dating for TWO MONTHS, you start to be a little.. untrusting, don't you think?

This is ridiculous. I feel so empty and alone right now. And I'd love to talk to someone, but she's the only one I ever talk to.

HEY. HERE'S SOMETHING FUNNY:
SHE GETS TO SPEND ALL WEEKEND WITH ME. ISN'T THAT NICE?

I'll post more on this as it happens. -_-

I'm Back!

Dec 16, 2008 - 0 comments
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:)



Sorry I haven't logged on in so long! I've been so busy lately, and I haven't gotten around to it..
I've been feeling better. No more suicidal thoughts or anything. <3 I'm so glad. I've been drawing a lot more.
I can't say that everything has been perfect.. just.. better.
Although there has been SO MUCH drama going on! It's insane! I'll post that in another journal, though. I don't feel like typing it all out right now.
The worst thing is the situation with my best friend.
As you all know, I have a best friend named Savana. We get along well because of similar interests and because both of our families are rather difficult to put up with. I'd trust her with my life
But that's the issue right now.
Trust.
I've found out that she's been telling JD (this annoying kid that I hate) about the things we talk about.
It's none of his business! Why should he know? Not to mention she's been lying to me about it! I'm so upset with her!
Hanging out with her used to be so fun, but now it's awkward. We both know that this can't possibly last much longer.
I don't know what I'd do if I lost her. She's the best friend I've ever had. I'm just trying to drag this out so our friendship can last as long as possible. I don't want this to happen. It shouldn't. We're best friends. This isn't supposed to happen.
Why did she have to go and lie to me?
Even though I'm typing this, I keep trying to put the blame on myself, wondering: What did I do? Maybe I said something to upset her. Maybe I annoyed her. Maybe I ticked her off. I probably did something wrong. It's definitely got to be my fault. Yes. That's it. It's my fault. I just wonder what I did.
Although I think all of that, I can't recall a single thing I could have done to make her not want to trust me.
I really wish I knew what's going on here.
Am I a bad friend? I may act like it sometimes, but she should know I don't mean it. At school, I may seem tough or maybe even a bit scary, but on the inside, I'm quiet, shy, and scared. I'm not as strong as I seem. I wish I was. That would make things so much easier for me.
Oh, guess what? It's 1:56 AM right now. I couldn't sleep, the this site popped into my head, and I kind of missed it. I hope I didn't worry any of you, haha. I stayed up reading this book my friends were talking about, called "Chicken Soup for the Preteen Soul". It's really good. Apparently, I read for a whole 3 hours. It only felt like 10 minutes! Only a great book can make time pass by that fast.
I suppose I should try to get some sleep.
Good night-- er, morning, really -- people!

Alas..

Jul 12, 2008 - 0 comments
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16806?1215916192
Savana and I haven't been fighting as much lately, which is a pretty good thing, but even though we've been getting along better, I still feel depressed almost every minute of every day. I still feel like no one understands me. I'm just sick of the world I live in. I hate almost everyone I know, including my family. Even so, things have been a bit better. I've started drawing again, which helps when I need to vent. But I still don't think I'm any good at it. In fact, I don't think I'm any good at anything. I blame my 5th grade teacher, Ms. Threadgill, who I am pretty sure I'm mentioned in a previous journal entry. In case you didn't read it, she was the worst teacher on the planet. She was always telling my friends and I that we were going to be failures for the rest of our lives. Also, I was (and still am) in the gifted program, which means there's even more pressure for me to get things done right. I always do well at the beginning of the year, but around the middle of the semester, my grades start dropping. It's just the stress. I can't stand the feeling that I have to do everything perfectly, or I'll fail. If I do one thing wrong, it makes me feel even worse, and if I do something right, I still feel like I've failed. My gifted teacher, Mr. Brockinton, was pretty nice, but could be strict. He always told me I could do better, and I always thought he was wrong, that I could never do anything better. What's funny is that we were both so stubborn. We were always getting into arguements. I kind of miss him.. He was the only teacher there that actually believed I could do better.

I still haven't cried. My friend says that I need to just let myself have a nice, long cry, and I'll feel better, but I refuse. I can't remember the last time I cried, but I remember that it made me feel small, helpless, and weak. I hate feeling like that, so I don't let myself cry, no matter how horrible I feel. I can't even begin to explain how I feel about.. anything, really. I'm always listening to music, but I only listen to music that reveals how I really feel. The songs "Let it Die", "Gone Forever" and "Time of Dying" are the ones that really get to me.. I'm not going to type out the lyrics to all of them, just one. "Let it Die". Then, I'll type out a quote that I found that means a lot to me.

"We had fire in our eyes
In the beginning I
Never felt so alive
In the beginning you
You blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore

We had time on our side
In the beginning we
We had nothing to hide
In the beginning you
You blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore

You say that I didn't try
You say that I didn't try
You say that I didn't try

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore"

And the quote is, "The worst part is, I would still die for you."
And if you're wondering who the songs apply to, I'm not telling. Not yet, anyway. (And it isn't Savana.)

School and Stress

May 19, 2008 - 1 comments
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Work

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Life



I hate school. I have tons of reasons to.
It might also be another cause for my depression..
I hate the work. In my opinion, it's just a waste of time..
Besides, I hate my old school..
In 5th grade, I had the meanest teacher ever, and I am not exaggerating when I say that.
Her name is Ms. Threadgill. (I think it was Mrs. Threadgill.. But who on earth would marry that woman?!)
She hated me. I know she did. She was always telling me I was going to be a failure..
I'm not the only one. She told that to my friends, too. But I think she disliked them just BECAUSE they were my friends.
She picks favorites. Once, my friend forgot to turn in a worksheet and received a 0. Another girl name Katrina (prep and complete suck-up) forgot the exact same worksheet on the exact same day, and Ms. Threadgill let her turn it in the next day and she got full credit.
I was so bad in that class. I got in trouble a lot, but that was because I was always blamed for things I didn't do!
I didn't turn in many assignments.. The only way I passed is that I aced the FCAT. (Above average.)
I just never felt motivated. My life was (still is) a depressing mess, I was never encouraged to do better, I was always being taunted by the other students, not a single teacher has ever told me "good job" or anything like that.
Even my principal hated me!
Now that isn't my fault. It's my brother's. I hate my brother. I never loved him, not even a tiny bit.
My brother always acted up in class, yelling, swearing, and threatening the teachers.
He finally had to be homeschooled. He can be pretty violent at times, but I have never once felt the least bit afraid of him. I know he doesn't have the guts to hurt me or my sister.
Right now he's staying at this foster home.. He visits sometimes, and he's still the same as he used to be.
It's his fault that my life was hell in that school!
The principal just had to ASSUME that because I was his younger sister, I would (for some reason) take after him and be just as bad.
I finally stopped trying at the end of the year.
I'm doing the same this year.
I might not pass the 6th grade. I don't care. It isn't my fault.
I STILL never feel motivated to try my best.. Even if I do, I feel it isn't enough.
I feel like no matter what I do, I'll always be a failure. A failure at school. A failure in every single social group. A failure at life.
Sometimes I lie in bed and wonder what I ever did to deserve this. I never did anything. I am (well, used to be..) a good kid. It's not my fault!
Hell, I hate my parents, too!
I hate them so much!
I blame my mom because she tried to commit suicide. I blame my dad because he never encourages me and is always yelling at me, but is always so nice to my sister. I feel like they hate me for some reason. I hate my brother. (I already explained why.) I'm just friends with my sister. She never did anything..
I hate almost everyone I know. The day my parents die will be the happiest day of my life. I don't love them. It's like I can't even love anyone anymore! I can't even feel love anymore! This is what all of this has done to me! I'm becoming a heartless, sociopathic freak! Not to mention suicidal. Do you know how many times I have thought of killing myself? I think about it every minute of every day. I have a sword. I can do it whenever I want. All I have to do is place the sword on my throat and stab..
The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the (faint) belief that tomorrow will be better. Guess what? Tomorrow is NEVER BETTER. It's either worse or the same! Getting nagged at for not doing my work, never being encouraged by ANYONE! I have no reason to try harder! I don't even care if I fail! If I do, then I'll just kill myself. Right now, it is very likely I will, but failing will just ensure it.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired of the depression. I'm tired of my family. I'm tired of those jerks that are always acting like the world is such a great place. I'm tired of those idiots that always have those big, stupid grins on their face. I'm tired of the taunting. I'm tired of the work. I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of being me.
I just want to die. I want to end it all. The thought is so tempting. No matter how much I try to convince myself not to, I always consider killing myself. Once I even thought of a suicide note. "Like mother, like daughter." She ought to know what it means.. Yes, she'll know. She'll know and it will break her. I'll even write letters to every signifigant person in my life. My language arts teacher, Mrs. Godwin. My math teacher, Ms. Taylor. My dad. Ms. Threadgill. My friends..
Yes, when I think about suicide I try to think about my friends, but I'm starting to feel like I don't even have any friends. My only true friend is Savana, and I've been yelling at her a lot more lately. I hate that I'm such a jerk to her. I hate that I'm such a jerk to everyone. I hate the way I am.
I especially hate the way people look at me at school.
I can't describe it, but it makes me want to kill them right then and there.
It's sort of a look that says, "there goes that emo freak.."
Full of hate and scorn. I hate it. I hate it so much! I never did anything! It isn't my fault I'm like this! I didn't do anything!
I don't deserve this, any of it.. I just want someone to tell me it's not my fault.. I want someone to confide in (in real life), but I just don't trust anyone that much.
I'm just a kid, but I don't feel like one. I don't even feel human anymore.
I'm staring at the sword right now.
. . .
Not today.
Some day, but not today.