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Very Strange...

Apr 23, 2009 - 0 comments

Well I am still going down on this weaning process (norco) this weekend will be a norco free weekend. I went to the neurologist I have tendonitis I think that is what it is called now I have to go back to the orhtopedic.... hmmm it is strange how we can stop one addiction or try to stop but we pick up other bad habits... I have not picked up a cigerett in years and now I got this huge crave to smoke I always made my way out the door when their was smoke anywere and now I am back to smoking a cigerret along with my life savor I can not stand the taste of smoke in my mouth so I eat a piece of hard candy always a life savor candy watermelon and grape are the best... I hide behind the building here at work so no one sees me because I am emberessed (whatever) my hand is really hurting and I am here typing. or am driving and have to have a ciggi. I just do not have a clue maybe it is the trileptal that is giving me this craving for ciggis well I do have to give myself a pat on the back for going down the way I have been from 10 to 31/2 next week it will be 3 I can do this... I do not want to pick up any other random habits.. I do not drink I do not think that will ever be an issue I ahve never liked it plus my dad the alcholic it would be like reliving my childhood then letting my son see that:( no not for me... I do not drink coffee or soda who knows..

I am not going around the mountain ANYMORE!!

Apr 14, 2009 - 0 comments

So how long will it be before I am sane again...Was I ever sane to begian with was it all just a dream? Before all this pill popping taking I thought I had a pretty good life now I am just waiting around to see when is the next dosage or if i am going to die today because something is wrong with my body... How much do doctors know when someone who has no idea about pills, who has never taken a pill in their life then ends up in a car accident all of a sudden giving you these pills but has no knowlage about what it was that I was putting in my body or how hard it is going to be when you decide to stop (talking about myself) Telling you to come back in 2 weeks for what more pills. From 1 car accident I now have PTSD and I am BP I am an addict to pain killers.... Why now?? Why not when I younger and had the energy to stay posative the energy to fight... I read and read, Why do I not find the answer to my questions? I just turned 35 and I have WASTED 5 years of my LIFE looking for the next pill.......... I HAVE HAD IT!!!!!!!!!! I may not find the answers I am looking for... I was put on this earth for a purpose and it was not for this ....... If before we were ever born we were given the choice to what kind of life we would be living, the struggles that we would face on this earth " I must have chosen this body for a reason " I have made mystakes but the biggest mystake was not because i took that first pill it is because i did not do my homework and look at what I was putting in my body and how it was going to affect my life long term and I continued to pollute my body, I am enslaved I am an addict......  OK so maybe their is hope for me I am going down "weaning"  I can not save the world but if I can save me (not being selfish) I know I CAN DO IT!! I gave up on the docters "help" because they never gave it to me they handed me "poison" I am now going to handle this my way and the Lords way......... The lord knows that I am a sinner and an addict so now I am just going to hand my life over to him...... If I have to flush the pills I will, if I loose my job it was never ment for me to have but I will have my life back! I think I am just going to do this the way I should have did it along time ago CT a couple weeks and I am done...... I am not going to keep going around the mountain anymore! I will continue to just put my thoughts out their for my reasons " to keep myself motivated"

I caved...

Oct 16, 2008 - 0 comments

physical therapy kicked my butt plus i went to see my counsler ... I guess a combo of everything (no excuse) I popped the other 1/2 counsler said the soboxone would be a verry good tool to use if I am really wanting to get clean...

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Oct 13, 2008 - 0 comments

I went down to 5/12 today then when I went to sleep I could not really sleep last night... I took the 1 1/2 xanax and 2 flexaril was still not able to I also went down on the xanax I was taking 2mg we will see how tonight goes.. I double thinking on the suboxone.... I may not want to get on that medication anymore I will stick to what I am doing now..

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