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So Much Stress :(

Jul 16, 2008 - 4 comments

Hey everyone! this is my first time posting one of these journal things but I've been feeling really stressed and despressed lately and I honestly have no one else to really talk to. Let me start off with saying I'm 20 yeah I'm still young but what matters is I'm an adult have a very loving faincee that loves me threw the bad and the good! We have our own place and I'm back in college for the second time trying to get my second degree! Threw all this life seems to only be getting worst for me. It's my family they really don't seem to understand the choices I make. I have a father that can be the racist man on earth yet the sweetest and threw all the bad my love for him is still strong I'm guessing because he raised me. But his nonsense is starting to grow old to me. He doesn't approve of my relationship with William! He complains to me all the time and lets me know how disapointed he is in me. It hurts me so much and he see's all my pain yet he still does it. All my life I dreamed of having a man that truly loved me for me and having my father walk me down the asle was my one wish but it seems now that Ive found my soulmate my father has turned his back on me. He refuses to see how happy this one person makes me! Or maybe he does see it and just doesnt care! He still treats me like I'm a little kid.Before I moved out he didn't even allow me to spend the night my friends house who lived three blocks do and I was 19 at the time. I wasn't allowed to go out past 11 or even go out with my fiancee. I had to sneak out with him most of my relationship and he didn't even show up for my engagement party! He's always telling me I need to come home but what he doesn't seem to understand is I've already made a home with the man I plan on spending the rest of my life with! But still he complains. At night I can't help but cry and feel so confused and lost. I thought I was suppose to be happy and life yet I feel like I'm committing a crime. It's like my father is giving me a choice to come home and be miserable or be with William but lose the love of my dad. The man I love more then seeing night and day! What I'am suppose to do. Without my family I feel like I'm losing so much but without William I'll feel like I gave up on the one man that was willing to stand by my threw everything he picked me up when I was down! How can he not see my happiness? Ughhh then it's my mom. She hasn't been the best mother in the world but I still love her to death. She was the one person that stood by myside threw alot but she also talks bad about me when I'm not around! How can a mother make her child look bad. Fill the family with believing lies about me and making them think of me as a bad person as being evil. At times I just wish I could disappear and never return! My head continues to spend in circles! I feel happines but I also feel so much pain! As if things couldn't get worst my sister whom is like my bestfriend has started to complain to me. Telling me I don't spend enough time with her. I don't understand how she could say that when mostly everytime me and my fiancee or my friends go out I take her. She's 19 without a single friend. But I don't blame her for her shyness I blame my father for keeping her sheltered making her think it's wrong to be like me and have a freaking life. Making her think I'm nothing more then a low life person. Everytime I visit right infront of me he'll tell her to never be like me and she's his only daughter! How is that suppose to make me feel? It hurts but I'm guessing my father wants to see me in pain! My mother stand by and most of the time says nothing. I know she sides with me when no ones around but when I'm gone I can only imagine what she says about me. I'm so tired of taking my angry out on William or crying every single night thinking of how I'm losing the people that's suppose to be in my life forever! I don't know if they will ever understand the fact that I'm grown and I'm not trying to trun my back on them I'm just trying to be an adult. I'm trying to live my life to make me happy. But how can I when I have them trying to hold me back? When I don't listen to my dad they go around telling family I'm wild I'm disrespectful and I'm this or that. I'm starting to wonder if I'm a bad person? If I should live my life the way they want just t please them. I can't help but feel so alone in the world. I just don't know where to turn or who to talk to. It seems as if everyone has their ears closed!