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A dream about relapsing

May 20, 2008 - 1 comments

Very scary.  Last night I have a dream where I remember rationalizing, using, and then the guilt afterwards.  It was painful to have real feelings about how that would disappoint myself, and indirectly, others. I even thought - 'oh ****, now I should tell the forum.  This sucks."  All within the dream.

However, there are a few bright sides to this situation:  

1) I woke up and I'm still clean (very happy to learn I was only dreaming)

2) It was great to FEEL the disappointment of using - without the consequences.  

3) Appartently, I have no business on a greyhound bus.

Don't forget!

Day 9 mind tricks

May 14, 2008 - 1 comments

Things have been pretty well, considering the alternatives.  However, today was the first time I was near a full bottle of Hydro and the mind games started.  I was visiting some family and I knew the pills were there. I was in the room by myself, helping to switch out a Tivo unit to another bedroom where some family member is recouping from surgery.  As I'm working, the mind games start, "there are right over there. Just look at them. Maybe you can take just a few. What would you get done if you had a few of those in you. You'd be a working machine. Probably be up all night finishing those web pages. Or maybe you would wrap up the data sheets... doesn't matter, tonight would be a wild, fun, crazy night."

It's amazing how tricky addiction is... no matter how strong you may feel in sobriety - it will always be there. The rehab counselers from when I was 16 always said that - once and addict, always an addict.  But I didn't believe them. I kicked everything for 5 years... I was over the hump, until I was reintroduced to my addiction.

Stay clean. It's worth every fight we come across when the temptation arises.  Once an addict - always an addict.

Day 4... note to self

May 09, 2008 - 0 comments

Still feeling pretty good. Made the hour walk this morning - which was great. But I still feel like I'm cheating myself. Last night I had some sugar (cookie and some candy) and afterwards I did not feel good.  It actually brought my mood DOWN. I think it's time to give up simple sugar.  I also think it's time to kick the caffeine.  It's only one (large) cup each morning - but you don't really need it.   Last time I went a day without caffeine, I had the worst headache for a day or two. That can't be good. Reminds me of w/d's from opiates!  

Small... but measurable progress will get you there.  Keep going.

A note to those little white pills

May 08, 2008 - 2 comments

So.. it's Day 3 without you.  I did something I haven't done in a long time. Took a long walk this morning.  During, I had plenty of time to reflect on someone you don't know... me before you.  Let me give you an idea of who that person is.

Everytime I've used you, I do it because I believe makes me feel strong, focused, able to work for many hours, clean the house - superpower like... so I thought. But during the walk, I remembered someone else:

1) How about the guy who owned a mobile car wash business nearly 9 years ago. We would go out in the AM and bust our @SS all day cleaning cars. Then get home and go out on the bike for a ride.

2) Let's compare my race results from last Sunday.  In 2001, I did the FULL distance triathlon (swim, bike, & run). I finished the bike in under an hour and 20 mins.  Last Sunday, I was on a 3 person relay team and ONLY did the bike. With 6 of you in my body, I was over 10 mins slower. I could barely get my @ss up those hills.  How disappointing.  Could it have anything to do with the 30lbs. you've help me put on?

3) Or how about when I had the Triathlon business?  I remember those days when I rode 50 miles to get to work and then would do a full day and ride home. Or the endless weekends when we went to the expos!  Pack up the entire store on Friday night (after a full days work), drive up to 5 hours, sleep a little, wake up and setup a full booth (by unpacking everything). Spend 8 hours in the sun with customers and then pack everything up and go home. Put the shop back together on Sunday and do it all over again the next week.  And don't forget that time at Donner Lake when we did the full two days and then went home - I skipped the car that night and road my bike 50 miles home. Wow.

4)  Or how about those days when I was riding my bike for a few hours in the morning, working all day (maybe even a flight to LA), and then get home and run 6-8 miles. And the Sat. rides!  3-4 hours doing the Lake Loop (7K climbing).

That's just a little about the person before you.  Sorry, but your little white pills are not as strong as you think.  You could never pull any of that off. When my body tolerance goes high - you're good for about an hour or energy.

Best of luck to you - but I'm going to give it ago without you for now. I know you are not done tempting me  - but these (and many more stories) will help keep me from your endless trickery.