I'm so blue. I operate like a robot because I don't care. Nothing is the way I would have imagined a few years ago - and not for the better. I'm too fragile for this nasty world and the cards I've been dealt are [email protected] Take me away, Calgon.

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  Found out about a local audition tomorrow and I can't believe I'm considering going. It's for "Little Shop of Horrors" and I'm really too old for any of the parts but it's a small town and they mighthave to take me. A strong point is that the music is pretty soulful and I have a voice for that.
   I haven't gone out of the house for days and the last time I attempted to there was not only frost on the front of the window but on the inside and I couldn't get it off!! I drove down the street staring through a two inch spot I managed to clear on both sides or rolling down the window and trying to see. Finally realized that when my black sheep son came and surprized me last week he was probably hanging out and smoking in my van because he gave no sign of it while I saw him. The combination of the hot breath and the smoke is why I could only smear it around. My defrost and heat are broken and we're having record lows this week. My feet go numb every little trip I make so I try not to go anywhere. That and this dreadful acne and all the fat I've piled on lately - I imagine people who've known me (no one knows me now) will see me and have something new to whisper about - "Boy, has she gotten fat" (smirk smirk)

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  I find that these three emotions on the mood chart are my consistant friends. The three "F"s. Mostly it's mentally I'm fatigued, it's the world I'm afraid of and it's myself I'm frustrated with. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and will never have again.

  My life is a disaster - just this week my friend accidentally broke the carafe on our new coffee maker and I took a bowl out of the microwave last night and the damp bottom had created a vacuum between it and the revolving plate and as I pulled out the bowl... This morning I was washing dishes and cut myself under the bubbles when I pulled out what hurt. It was a jagged piece of my boyfriend's favorite Guiness beer glass - which had been whole going in. These stupid accidents are just a microcosm of the way everything is constantly going wrong in my life in bigger ways.
  Soy un perdedor - I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?

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  Surprise, surprise! I was making p.b. cookies this evening and my eldest son walks through the door! The one I have not heard from for 9 months while he's been hitch hiking to California and then to NewYork where he found a new girl friend who came with them. Maybe you've seen him - 6'2", dreadlocks, a bandana, carrying a guitar case? He tells me about my relations here and in California and the levels of insanity they each have and the proceeds to tell me that he's going to Argentina to visit (freeload) an old friend and then he's going to Isreal witth this girlfriend to play guitar in the streets and promote peace.I went right over to my mothers to take her garage key but it was too late as he had already been there and despite me telling her how it is with him she had already unlocked it. The garage is where most of everything I still posess is stored and he has stolen from me again and again. If you confront him and he can't deny it he'll just shrug and say that you weren't using it anyway.... He makes me feel so uneasy and unhappy. This is not what I thought it would be like to be a mother of a baby that I loved, a toddler I worshipped , a child that I did everything I possibly could to help. I can't wait for him to leave tomorrow. I don't know how I'll sleep tonight knowing he's here.

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