All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  


Jul 13, 2008 - 7 comments

Why do I still feel so damn awful....................I actually started feeling so much worse almost as bad as the first week. I am having all the classic withdral symp=toms AGAIN..................Is this all in my head???? I mean this is really challenging and man I am really wondering if this was the right thing to do. I wish I had some kind of positive thing to say at this point cause all Ive done is complained but really all I think about every second of everyday is how bad I feel and detoxing.

Still clean

Jul 08, 2008 - 2 comments

I am at 32 days today. I thought a few days ago I was gonna use. I even bought some stuff right befor I left for my moms. But I didnt do it. So I still feel like **** but I dont really wanna use it. I still have it too! I think if I knew Id have a steady supply Id probably do it but I dont know if I can get anymore so the thought of using it seems dumb. Thanks to all u guys for being so kind with my situation with my mom. Ill be back home for a few days and hopefully Ill be bringin her home with me soon to try some alterantive stuff here in my city.                   PEACE

F&#@ this sh#$!!!!!

Jul 04, 2008 - 5 comments

Why when we do something good does something bad have to come along and kick us when we are trying so freakin hard. It ***** I have gone so long with out my drugs and now I need them the most. YEP I would like some cheese with this whine!!!! My mother (adopted) is dying!!! CANCER! We had a falling out 3 yrs ago and just spoke for the first time today and she is fucken dying. I have very little time to get us back to where we were. I HATE THIS WORLD!!! Its not fair. I cant even be there to take care of her!!! I spent my chances and fortune and all I am left with is a drug free life without the only person who ever made me feel loved and safe as a child. Why is GOD so unfair??? Why do people have to suffer so badly? I cant stop crying I JUST CANT!!! I want to be a kid again I wanna a redo!! ****>

WOW I had my first day of being grateful I wasnt high!!!!

Jul 02, 2008 - 8 comments

Yesterday was the best day ever since I began this journey. I was honored by being present for the birth of my best firends baby girl. I was the only NON family invited and man oh man. I am forever changed and grateful for this experience. I was alone with the parents last night for like 4 hours at the hospital. They wanted me there!!! I held the new baby for hours!!I was told by them that I AM FAMILY!! I cant even describe how good it made me feel. I have no real family (i do have 5 kids) but they included ME in their family experience. WOW. I was actually grateful to not be high yesterday.

There were moms  step moms dads and cousins there yesterday and they invited me to a party in a week and want to set me up with some this is the real delema here. I dont know if I can do this. I dont know how to meet guys without alcohol or drugs, Ive never done it!!! So I really dont know what to do. I wanna go to the party but am so horrfied at the thought of having to be charming and attractive to meet some guy. I am sure this seems weird but I have thought of myself lately as some old washed up junkie and how could anyone want to be with ME. I am even shocked this family so readily wants me around. I still feel like I am always shaking and I still feel so weird. Can I function going to a party being set up with a blind date? Well neway I am just going on

Keep up the fight!!!