Why do I still feel so damn awful....................I actually started feeling so much worse almost as bad as the first week. I am having all the classic withdral symp=toms AGAIN..................Is this all in my head???? I mean this is really challenging and man I am really wondering if this was the right thing to do. I wish I had some kind of positive thing to say at this point cause all Ive done is complained but really all I think about every second of everyday is how bad I feel and detoxing.

I am at 32 days today. I thought a few days ago I was gonna use. I even bought some stuff right befor I left for my moms. But I didnt do it. So I still feel like **** but I dont really wanna use it. I still have it too! I think if I knew Id have a steady supply Id probably do it but I dont know if I can get anymore so the thought of using it seems dumb. Thanks to all u guys for being so kind with my situation with my mom. Ill be back home for a few days and hopefully Ill be bringin her home with me soon to try some alterantive stuff here in my city.                   PEACE

Why when we do something good does something bad have to come along and kick us when we are trying so freakin hard. It ***** I have gone so long with out my drugs and now I need them the most. YEP I would like some cheese with this whine!!!! My mother (adopted) is dying!!! CANCER! We had a falling out 3 yrs ago and just spoke for the first time today and she is fucken dying. I have very little time to get us back to where we were. I HATE THIS WORLD!!! Its not fair. I cant even be there to take care of her!!! I spent my chances and fortune and all I am left with is a drug free life without the only person who ever made me feel loved and safe as a child. Why is GOD so unfair??? Why do people have to suffer so badly? I cant stop crying I JUST CANT!!! I want to be a kid again I wanna a redo!! ****>

Yesterday was the best day ever since I began this journey. I was honored by being present for the birth of my best firends baby girl. I was the only NON family invited and man oh man. I am forever changed and grateful for this experience. I was alone with the parents last night for like 4 hours at the hospital. They wanted me there!!! I held the new baby for hours!!I was told by them that I AM FAMILY!! I cant even describe how good it made me feel. I have no real family (i do have 5 kids) but they included ME in their family experience. WOW. I was actually grateful to not be high yesterday.

There were moms  step moms dads and cousins there yesterday and they invited me to a party in a week and want to set me up with some guy...................now this is the real delema here. I dont know if I can do this. I dont know how to meet guys without alcohol or drugs, Ive never done it!!! So I really dont know what to do. I wanna go to the party but am so horrfied at the thought of having to be charming and attractive to meet some guy. I am sure this seems weird but I have thought of myself lately as some old washed up junkie and how could anyone want to be with ME. I am even shocked this family so readily wants me around. I still feel like I am always shaking and I still feel so weird. Can I function going to a party being set up with a blind date? Well neway I am just going on ....................so

Keep up the fight!!!


SC