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Ready Steady...  Not so much Go...

Mar 01, 2009 - 3 comments
Tags:

Miscarriage

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Not pregnant

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TTC



So I was pregnant and now I'm not...  Again...  It's getting really hard to deal with this now.  Over three years of trying and over one year at IVF.  I feel hopeless, like this is never going to happen.  Why do I get pregnant then loose it...?  It's funny to think that as the doctor said that either implanted in the wrong spot and had to go or that it ran out of energy and just stopped.  I think it ran out of energy, with all my stupid clinical depression and all that goes with that, and even though I am trying to help myself and am getting better and better every week.  It just seems unfair.  I'm tired of everything.  I just knew on Friday at the store that I shouldn't come to shop on saturday, but I had no choice I own it and my partner was away and the girl who works for us can't do a saturday on her own...  So it stopped then and I knew it.  All the symptoms magically stopped, and I just knew.  I could write for ever about all my troubles, but I don't want to .  I will pick myself up and move on, again.  I am driving to Queensland for a week with my Hubby and that is going to be really really nice. I'll get to have a break and watch Foxtel!  WE are going to camp on the way up to the GC and just take it easy.

It's always the way, what you want the most is the hardest to get.  So I'll keep trying, I'm not broken yet.

Next Cycle...  Ready, Steady, Go!

Feb 17, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

cramping

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symptom

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tww symptoms

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tww

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waiting

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hoping

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thinking positive



So I had an implant last saturday and I'm feeling positive, but at the same time don't want to jinks anything.  I had two implanted and one of them was very cool!  It had like a lima bean at the bottom of it and the Doc even suggested that there may be a really good chance with this one.  Gosh I hope so.  I finished my part time job and am trying to take it a bit easy for now and not spending too much time at my balloon shop.  I think I have been fantasizing about early symptoms, like sore bb's, cramping and unforgiving tiredness...  The only thing that is normal for me is slight cramping before AF.  so AF is due today, nothing so far other than feeling like it's coming and I've got some discharge  kinda of watery feeling in my pants (gross I know but this is my journal).  Oh and I keep going to pee non-stop.  I really hope this is the one.  When I had my implant the scientist even asked (as I had two implanted) if I was prepared for the strong possibility of twins...?  They all seemed very positive.  But anyway back to the blastocyst.  I haven't seen mine look like this before.  It had a small lima bean looking thing at the bottom of it and the rest of the cell was clear.  The Doc said that, you couldn't see it on the scope, but that if we could look under the lima bean there would be evidence of where it was getting ready to burst.  Sounds all good to me.

Here's hoping!

Frozen Babies 5 & 6 No-Go

Dec 12, 2008 - 0 comments
Tags:

frozen cycle

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unhappy

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no babies

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frustrated

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Natural Cycle IVF

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failed IVF



So I was al ready for this to time to be the one, but no such luck.  The frozen eggs didn't survive the night.  They apparently looked good yesterday, but just didn't hydrate or survive.  That was the last of the frozen eggs, so here we go again on another fresh cycle, which means at least another 2 months!  I'm so frustrated and unhappy that I just can't get pregnant for one reason or another.  I don't know how the girls who try for 10 years survive the journey.  This is just over 3 years for me and I'm so frustrated and despondent that I feel like I will never have a family, like it's just never going to happen.  I wonder if maybe I've done something that now I just don;t deserve to have a family.  It's all I've ever wanted since I was 25 and after a divorce and a bad boyfriend and now finding the guy I love dearly and actually want a to have a family with it's not happening.  Maybe it's just too late for me?  Maybe I'm not meant to have kids?  Maybe my diabetes has damaged my hormones so much that it's just not possible now?

Marc is so positive and says, "right we didn't want stinky frozen babies anyway, and they would have been september babies, not october babies" (he says jokingingly as his family all have their birthdays in October).  But, anyway he just keeps going and going with the positiveness...

You know what I am 35 and still not even close to being pregnant or having a family.  I don't really want to adopt, I want to have my own kids, quite selfish I know but that's just how I feel.

I'm unhappy, frustrated and despondent, and I don't feel like that is going to change any time soon.

Now I have to wait for my period...  What a dilemma, I didn't ovulate until about day 20 and now I have to wait for my period to start after all the previous cycles drugs that have changed everything.  So today os day 28 and normally this would be the day.  So how long will I have to wait...? A week, 2 weeks...?  Either way it's not going to be until next year before we get to try again.  I've had enough of all this **** and it's expensive.  I'm sure we've paid for the clinics staff school fees for their children including university fees!  And now we are going to pay for their Christmas party too!

I've just had enough.

End of Chapter 4, 5th & 6th frozen babies a-go-go!

Dec 03, 2008 - 0 comments
Tags:

frozen

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Baby

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Fertility

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hormone

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negative pregnancy test

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delayed ovulation

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Ovulation

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nautral health



So I'm not pregnant again and it's been a wile since I wrote in my journal...  Just feel exhausted and run down.  I've been super busy and well, not very social either and quite indifferent to pretty much everything.  Ok so here is the summary...  Not pregnant, managed to get an appointment with my Doc because someone cancelled and I've started on a frozen cycle.  So where am I at.  I'm at day 20 and my levels have just started to go up and I'm back for another blood test tomorrow morning.  I wasn't worried that I wasn't ovulating, I knew that after all the hormones from the last stimulated cycle that my body would run to the beat of it's own drum.  So anyway I'm glad that the levels have started to go up and I'm having two frozen babies implanted this time.  It's all I've got left, so just said do it put two in.  So you never know maybe twins???  What a nice Christmas present!  Oh and I'm on some naturopathic remedies to help with the IVF, you know fertility and happy hormones!

So if this one doesn't work we'll be back on another stimulated cycle.  This will now be 12 months with IVF and the general time frame to continue with IVF is 12 - 18 months and then you need to think about what you want to do next.  So anyway twins it is I say!

5th & 6th one lucky...?

I hope so...